Mickey Mouse stood before the judge waiting for the verdict
on his divorce case.
on his divorce case.
“Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce. Although you claim she is crazy, the court has found Minnie Mouse to be mentally competent,”
proclaimed the judge.
“But your Honor,” he said, “I didn’t say Minnie was crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy!”
Feeling Goofy? Give us a joke and receive some mojo.
Q. What did the Congressman say to the other Congressman?
A. What Page are you on?
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100?
Your Honor
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 80?
Senator
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 60?
Congressman
Opps, forgot to ask forgiveness from the 3 to 4% of lawyers that the rest of lawyers makes look bad. I know there are some good lawyers out there, I unfortunately have only met one out of the more than 1000+ lawyers I have met over the years. Again my apologies to those hard working and honest lawyers I know exist.
Ghostdancer…you are forgiven this time, my son is an attorney and a damn good one. In fact his integrity is so important to him, that he left a very big corporate law firm and opened his own office. He couldn’t stand the phoney billed hours to clients and the hours.
Ok, I will will forgive you too.
Not exactly a joke, but I was in Federal Court in San Antonio today for my first appearance in Judge Royal Ferguson’s Technological Showcase Courtroom. It was really amazing, but what impressed me more than anything was that each juror’s chair was equipped with a red button for use in electronically and privately signaling His Honor whenever the juror needs a bathroom break!
Now that is bringing technology to the masses, and going the extra mile to make jury service user friendly.
Counsel tables were, of course, provided with no such button.
As long as we are on lawyer jokes:
What do you call an attorney on the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
What do you call a bus full of lawyers going over a cliff with two empty seats?
A waste.
Why did the shark eat all the shipwreck survivors except for the lawyer?
Professional courtesy.
(Yet Another Lawyer Joke)
A lawyer, appearing before St. Peter, loudly complained he had died too soon. St. Peter asked him how old he was and the lawyer replied he was only 37.
St. Peter, re-checking his records, said, “Ah! I see the mistake. By the hours you billed we thought you were 103.”
A lawyer’s Lawyer Joke
The town’s most prominent old miser lay dying, and summoned to his bedside his Clergyman, his Doctor and his Lawyer for a final conference.
The old man told the three he planned to take his fortune with him, and entrusted each with $100,000 in cash, with strict instructions to place the cash in an envelope and drop the envelope into his casket at his graveside service.
The Clergyman, The Doctor and the Lawyer each swore a strict oath faithfully to comply.
The next morning the codger died.
When the funeral service was held, in a dreadful and driving rainstorm, the only three mourners were the faithful three, and each dutifully dropped an envelope into the old man’s casket before it was lowered into the ground.
As they were leaving the graveside, the Clergyman began to weep. “Gentlemen,” he confided, “I must confess. The needs of the poor in my parish are so great I withheld $10,000 and deposited only the reaming $90,000 in the old man’s casket.”
The Doctor placed his hand on the Clergyman’s shoulder and said, “I understand. With the importance of Medical Research I myself withheld $30,000 and placed only $70,000 of the cash entrusted to me into the casket.” The Doctor also began softly sobbing.
“Gentlemen, Gentlemen,” the Lawyer began his rebuke, “I am ashamed of you and appalled at your lack of faithfulness to our departed friend. I placed a check for the entire $100,000 in his casket.”
Q. How do you know when Dick Cheney’s lying?
A. George Bush’s lips are moving.
Sorry to those of you that belong to the profession..
What’s the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
-One is a mudsucking bottom dweller, the other is a fish.
Q. What’s the difference between the Vietnam War and the Iraq War?
A. George W. Bush had a plan to get out of the Vietnam War.
I know, I know. It was corny.
Try this quiz:
The George W. Bush Loyalty Quiz
My score:
that’s pretty good, scoring below the stated scale.
Heh, I also scored a Zero. Glad to clear that up.
“In a recent interview Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle said that American politics is becoming meaner and meaner. After hearing this top Republicans said that Daschle makes a good point for a guy who’s ugly and probably gay.”
–Conan O’Brien
I’m always late to these things:
Groucho: Man says to a woman, “Do you smoke after sex?” The woman says, “I don’t know, I’ve never looked.”
if they didn’t score a 0.
I’m sort of confused by the test though. The question about “Families is the hope of our nation” or whatever it was . . . the two choices were “agree” or “disagree.” I thought there should be a third option — “Huh??”
I took it as a grammar jab at Shrub
but that only intensifies my point, which is, I can’t really agree or disagree with it because I don’t understand it.
It’s a real quote. check “make the pie higher”.
Well, no surprises for me with the Bush test. What did surprise me a bit was that I turned out to be a ‘Democratic loyalist’ — which given that I’m almost as outraged by them as with the Republicans was something of a surprise.
Pleeeeeeeease….?
Oooohhhh…can’t wait to see what it looks like next!
Of course, I can’t wait to see your next diary. I’m ‘all ears’. yuck yuck yuck
A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a quarter in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat.
He immediately starts choking, going blue in the face, and Dad starts panicking, shouting for help.
An attractive, well-dressed, middle-aged woman in a business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. Then she gets up from her seat and makes her unhurried way across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy’s testicles and squeezes gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts effusively thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before-it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”
“Good heavens, no,” the woman replies. “I am a Divorce Attorney.”
“President Bush said I wish I could wave a magic wand and lower gas prices. And then he said I wish I could wave a magic wand and bring the troops home. And he said I wish I could wave a magic wand and fix health care. And I was thinking this guy waves his wand more than Clinton.” –David Letterman
“President Bush’s tax returns are a little different. He claimed the Christian Right as dependents, he declared the 2000 election as a gift, and he tried to write off all the mileage he got from 9/11” –Bill Maher
An up and strugling young democrat here in the Panhandle area of North Florida the other night was adressing some local farmers for political support, and was asked to have a gathering at a local horse ranch.
As the crowd began to gather out by the barn, the young politician was looking for a place to be elevated above the crowd so as to be able to view their expressions.
He looked all around the barnyard and could not find a wagon, or anything to stand on, and then he saw a large pile of horse manure, on which he scrambled to the top of and began to give his speach.
After his speach, the crowd roared with applause, and was hoping for a change in the government, and one member of the crowd yelled loudly, “What a wonderful speach” to which the young Democrat replied:
“yeah, and all while standing on a Republican Platform” ; )
The first one decides it’s time the others understand just how macho he is, so he says, “Well, lemme tell you what happened to me today. A raging bull ran at me, but hell, I just grabbed the damn thing by its horns and twisted it’s fool head off.
The second one doesn’t want the others to think he’s a wimp, so he says,”Yeah, that kinda thing can happen out here. Just today a 12 foot rattler reared up and wanted to bite me, but I was too quick for that mofo. I just leaned my head out to meet it and bit it’s head off and swallowed it whole.
The third cowboy didn’t say anything, just sat there in silence, stirring the campfire coals around with his penis.
Nice cartoon, when the cartoonistas are on the case – there’s hope:
What’s the ideal weight for a Republican member of Congress?
About 2.5 pounds, including the urn.
Waiting for the results, within a few minutes!
Dutch Parliament would vote YES with 128 votes and 22 NAYs!
Europe Day — 60 years of Peace
DUTCH Vote on EU Charter ¶ Say NO to France ¶ YES to Europe
by Oui @ BooMan ◊ Tue May 31st, 2005
Oui – Liberté – Egalité – Fraternité
Signs the next Supreme Court Justice might be a Religious Conservative:
Kudos and credits to:http://www.ironictimes.com/
Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are a delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do
you hate freedom?
I am glad he is standing up for what he believes. I was married to a lawyer for 12 yrs, watched as her integrity and honesty degraded over time, as money and power become the most important aspect of her life.
A young Maltese guy moves to the States and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager asks, “Do you have any sales experience?” The guy said, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home….you know….J.B.Stores…. Tal-Lira!” Well, the manager liked the young man, so he gave him the job.
“You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did but let me give you a bit of advice, if a customer comes looking, say, for toothpaste, you might suggest he also purchase a toothbrush, or dental floss etc .. you get the idea?” “Of course,” the young man said.
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down.
“How many sales did you make today?” The guy said, “One.” The manager groans, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day! How much was the sale for?” The guy says, “$101,237.64.”
The manager exclaims, “What? $101,237.64? What did you sell him?” The kid said, “First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast so I told him he was going need a boat. So we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine sea craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Pajero.” The manager says, “You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?!”
The guy replied, “No no no… He came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, “Well, since your weekend’s already shot, you might as well go fishing!”
What do a chicken and a grape have in common?
.
.
.
.
.
They’re both purple. Except for the chicken.
(maybe it helps to see me hopping up and down, giggling, each I tell this joke. It’s ideally short and sweet – perfect for my memory.)
What’s purple and hums?
An electric grape.
Why does it hum?
Because it doesn’t know the words.
What do Michael Jackson and the Seattle Mariners have in common?
They both only wear one glove for no apparent reason.
What’s orange, has great razor sharp fangs and bounces?
A basketball. I lied about the fangs.
In this category, my favorite is:
What’s gray and flies when you throw it?
A rock.
What’s purple, goes “slam, slam” and cruises along at 85 mph?
An Italian Sportsplum.
One day in the not so distant future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
“I don’t know what to do,” says the devil. “You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got some folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.” Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.
In this room Bush saw Dick Cheney, who was running back and forth along a large wall from which there were several streams of water pouting out. Dick kept sticking his finger in the holes, but every time he plugged one up, another would appear, and Dick was soaked from head to toe. George said to the Devil, “What’s this all about?” and the Devil said, ” Oh yeah, well, Dick is having a tough time with the drains for the urinals here in Hell. He just can’t seem to keep up.”
George thought this was just awful, and although he felt sorry for his old VP, he told the Devil, “No way! Sorry, Dick!”
The devil led him to the next room, and George immediately pulled back as the smell was awful. In it was Tony Blair, who was busy shoveling away at a huge pile of dirt in front of him. Unfortunately, no matter how much he shoveled, the pile kept getting filled from above. Tony was covered in the mud. George looked up, and was horrified to realize that they were underneath a huge outhouse. He backed out of the room quickly, and told the Devil “Absolutely not! I really appreciate that Tony did everything just like we told him, but no way am I taking his place!
The Devil shrugged, and said “OK, just one more room to go.”
The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, with a smile on his face, “Yea, I can handle this.”
The devil smiled and said “OK, Monica, you’re free to go.”
Bravo, just were GW likes to spend all his time with the Saudi royals and Gannon/Guckert. roflamo
A little morbid, but original… at least I’m pretty sure that I made them up…
Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree…?
A: Because he was dead.
Q: Why are the little furry creatures in the Star Wars movies called Ewoks?
A: ‘Cause that’s the sound that they make when they fall out of their tree houses…EEEEEEEEEEEEE…WOK!
WOK! Have a 4 for the mental image…:{)
The only joke I know is George W. Bush!!!!!!!
Q: What did the Buddhist say to the hot-dog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.
Thank you. I’ll be here all week.
So the Buddhist pays with a five and the vendor pockets it. “Hey” says the Buddhist, “where’s my change?”
The vendor smiles and says “Change comes from within.”
How many shrinks does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, the relatives came to visit.
“May we see the new baby?” one asked.
“Not yet,” said the mother. “I’ll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first.”
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, “May we see the new baby now?”
“No, not yet,” said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked sgain, “May we see the baby now?”
“Not yet,” replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, “Well, when CAN we see the baby?”
“WHEN HE CRIES!” she told them.
“WHEN HE CRIES??” they demanded. “Why do we have to wait until he CRIES??”
“Because, I forgot where I put him…”
sorry if I offended any fans here
Don’t say I didn’t warn you….
A drunk staggers into a bar and starts hassling the bartender to give him a free drink.
“Get outta here!” sez the bartender, but the drunk keeps hassling him for a free drink.
Finally the bartender sez, “Look, ya see that spitoon over there? Take a sip out of it and I’ll give ya a free drink.”
The drunk staggers over to a big, slopping-full brass spitoon, brings it to his lips, and tilts back his head.
Glug glug glug…
“OK, you can stop,” sez the bartender.
Glug glug glug…
“OK, you can stop,” sez the bartender, more nervous now.
Glug glug glug…
“OK, you can stop,” sez the bartender, even more nervous.
Glug glug glug…ahhhh.
Finally, the drunk puts the empty spitoon down and wipes his mouth.
“Jeez, I tol’ ya to just take a sip,” sez the bartender, disgustedly.
“I couldn’t stop,” sez the drunk. “It was all stuck together.”
OK, thanks very much, you’ve been great. And be sure to try the veal.
Look at what Gawker did to Larry King.
Title: Larry King: Will His Death Grip On Primetime Never End?
and one turns to the other and says, “I think I lost an electron.”
The other atom says, “Are you sure?”
And the first atom says, “I’m positive“
Hayulk
It was a very hot summer day, the Fourth of July and all the towns peoples were lined up on Main Street to watch the parade. Three little six year ols gils were very hot and decided to go into the bar for something cold to drink.
The bartendar walks up to Susie and askd, “And what can I get for you little girl?’. Susie replies, ” I think I will have a 7-Up on the rocks please”. The bartender smiles.
Next to Mary. “Hi little girl. You are so cute what can I get you?” Mary replies, “I think I will have a Shirley Temple with two cherries please.” The bartender fetches the Shirley Temple sets it in front of Mary and looks at the last little girl.
He looks at LeeLee and thinks, isn’t she just so adorable, long blonde pony tail, blue eyes and dimples, all innocense at that age. “And what might I get for you sweetie?” LeeLee thinks for a minute and then bursts out real loud, “Well, I think I will have a douche, my mother says they are soooooooooo refreshing!!.
At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, “You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea what some people will do to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?”
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?” Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. “You really ARE Einstein!” he says. “Welcome to heaven!”
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, “Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?” Saint Peter says, “Go ahead.”
Picasso erases Einstein’s equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. “Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!” he says. “Come on in!”
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, “Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?”
George W. looks bewildered and says, “Who are Einstein and Picasso?” Saint Peter sighs and says, “Come on in, George.”
An Asian man was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
He asks the American bank teller, “Why it change? Yestoday I get two
hunat dollar fo yen–today I get hunat eighty?”
The bank teller replies: “Fluctuations.”
The Asian man says, “Fluc you white guys too!”
.
No not the result of the Dutch Vote on the EU Charter!
US EMBASSY STAYS IN CITY HEART OR …
The move Ambassador Clifford Sobel wanted to Park Clingendael, led to a people’s revolt. I personally witnessed and participated on May 24th hearing with Mayor Wim Deetman, who came to the community and clarified why the US should move into our neighborhood! The conference room with 650 angry neighbors, led within 10 minutes to a statement by the mayor he would leave the meeting. The mayor called upon the citizens of The Hague, a highly educated group of people, to behave or else. LOL followed.
When I studied the building and landscaping plans developed by the US for its Embassy, and presented to the Dutch Foreign Office of Minister Ben Bot, it looked more a duplicate of Camp Bucca in Iraq. Meters high fences or walls, 30 mtr free zone within the perimeter of embassy grounds and campus style buildings of three flours maximum. In case of an explosion, this would limit the damage. No one questioned what would be the resulting damage to our homes nearby, or some high rising office building that would become a target of convenience.
The present location in city centre has 4,000m², in the beautiful landscape of Park Clingendael the US had proposed a tenfold: 35-40,000m² or approx. 10 acres. Most likely the security perimeter would have as final touch extra rolls of razor barbed wire surrounding the new location.
The district called Benoordenhout, is one of the beautiful areas for living and recreation in the nearby wooded areas, parks and sports accommodation. The Dutch citizens, all liberal right-wing VVD supporters and US allies, threatened the city of The Hague and mayor Deetman with long legal procedures to block the US embassy move. See earlier letter send to the US State Department – Condoleezza Rice.
What made my day last night, June 1, 2005 – the proposal was voted down before the city council of The Hague!
It didn’t stop there though. Most important, you won’t believe it, in a new proposal by the city council: the US Embassy and Sobel would be welcomed in a new development district to be created on the premises of the Frederik Military Barracks near Scheveningen. Main party to lease buildings in this project is the ICC – International Criminal Court of the United Nations. Must read the bill passed by US Congress – The Hague Invasion Act.
Ambassador SobelIsn’t that beautiful, Sobel and his bullying tactics must have really pissed off some administrators within the city and Dutch government. The NEW US EMBASSY next door to the UN-ICC — it made my day!
Pax
Oui – Liberté – Egalité – Fraternité