Booman City (FAP) – Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster High Priest BostonJoe told citizens of Dover, Pennsylvania that they had rejected the Flying Spaghetti Monster by voting their school board out of office for supporting “Flying Spaghetti Monsterism” and warned them on Thursday not to be surprised if pirates struck.
BostonJoe, a former mystery writer and founder of the influential “Advice to a Batshit Loopy Prez” blog series, has a long record of similar apocalyptic warnings and provocative statements.
Last summer, he hit the headlines by calling for meatballs to be thrown at Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, one of the most vocal international critics of Flying Spaghetti Monsterism.
“I’d like to say to the good citizens of Dover: if there is a disaster in your area, don’t turn to the Flying Spaghetti Monster, you just rejected Him from your city, and His Noodly Appendage will not touch you at all. Ramen,” BostonJoe said in a hastily arranged press conference outside a Fazoli’s fast-food pasta restaurant.
“And don’t wonder why He hasn’t helped you when problems begin, if they begin. I’m not saying they will, but if they do, just remember, you just voted His Noodliness out of your city. And if that’s the case, don’t ask for His help because he might not be there, nor will his pirates. Or the midgets,” he said.
In voting on Tuesday, all eight Dover, Pennsylvania, school board members up for re-election lost their seats after trying to introduce “Flying Spaghetti Monsterism” to high school science students as an alternative to the theory of evolution.
Adherents of Flying Spaghetti Monsterism argue that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster, and that it was his Pastaness who created all that we see and all that we feel, and that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Opponents say Flying Spaghetti Monsterism is misguided, but still funny, and delicious.
The Dover case sparked a trial in federal court that gained nationwide attention after the school board was sued by parents backed by the American Civil Liberties Union. The board ordered schools to read students a short statement in biology classes informing them that the theory of evolution is not established fact and that the Flying Spaghetti Monster exists.
The statement mentioned Pastafarians as an alternate group of people and recommended students visit the official Flying Spaghetti Monster website. A decision in the case is expected before the end of the year.
Update [2005-11-10 22:1:43 by BostonJoe]: Editor’s Note: I almost forgot to mention that Pat Robertson is such a fucking tool. He has condemned a whole town to hell because they voted rationally. His god is kind of an asshole, I think. My god is warm and tasty. And very flexible, if boiled for 10 to 15 minutes.
Ok. You get a recommend just for “Pastafarians”.
That was the clincher for me also. And for some reason I have all these songs titles floating around in my head with one of the words replaced with Pastafarians…like ‘Oh Please stay with me Diana-I mean Pastafarian’, or ‘Song Sung Blue-Pastafarian’, ‘The Good, The Bad and The Pastafarian, ‘Hey Hey You You Get Offa My Pastafarian’, ‘I Wanna Hold Your Pastafarian’, ‘Your Cheaten Pastafarian’, ‘Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Pastafarian’, ‘I Saw Mommy Kissing Pasta-Farian’, ‘Liven La Vida Pastafarian’, and one of the all time great war songs-‘When Pastafarians Go Marchin Off to War’ or that great Sinatra love song-‘Pastafarians In the Night, doobie doobie do….sweet jesus I mean pastafarian make me stoppppppppp.
…and the unforgettable
If You Go Pastafarian, You’ve Gone Too Far
the doctor has me and the spouse on a low-carb diet…
The beginnings of the Great Atkins-Meatball Schism. Circa 2000. A.F.S.M.
Another righteous noodly appendage smackdown by the upholders of justice.
Streets run thick with the marinara of rebuke.
I hear Chef Boyardi, Bush secretly envies his Chef Uniform, is a major lobbyist!
to worship his Noodly Appendages with a tasty white wine, lemon butter sauce with crab, asparagus and mushrooms…but that’s double, super secret, sacrament info…for your eyes only.
Spliff Throat
Peace
roflmao!!!!
btw – I got your book today from the BooStore and if it’s half as good as the wordsmithing above…….well nuff said!
Don’t hurt youself rolling around there SallyCat. And thanks for the book purchase, pilgrim. You’ll have to mosey over to the FBC after you finish it, pour yourself a shot, and tell me how you liked it. Or shoot me an e-mail.
It’s on the top of my stack for Thanksgiving Weekend…4 days = 4 books.
I have my list of Boo Tribe writers and will be off to Powells.com tomorrow – look out credit card!
I got Kansas’ book today. But it is not on top of reading list. I’m trying to plow through the tome I ordered for Boo Books. I think I might finish that one before Collander Day (that is like the Pastafarian version of Easter, where the diety is taken limp from his death throes in the boiling water, and poured into the Collander of life, to be infused again with flavor of the second coming of the Ragu).
Also got Omir the Storyteller’s book, and someone else (the nickname eludes me). Still waiting on old book of poetry. Then, my Boo Author wing of home library will be complete, until KMc’s book comes out. Anyway. Back to life.
Gee, I wonder what horrors await the good people of Maine, New Jersey, Virginia, and California??
omg … I mean omfsm! This is the best laugh I’ve had all week! You rock, you High Priest you!
I am so tired of Robertson and his ilk portraying God as a Cosmic Grouch with an axe to grind. It’s folks like him that make it hard for those of us who do believe in God to go through a day without ridicule or scorn.
That being said, LOOOOVED the piece, BJ! 🙂
(And considering how many hurricanes Florida’s been subject to, it’s obvious Someone’s still pissed about the 2000 election…)
This is lovely characterization of Robertson’s theology:
“…a Cosmic Grouch with an axe to grind”
Very good!
Pastafarians Unite!
shall I join. . .
Pesto Pastaness;
Alfredo Saucians;
Bolognese Congregation;
or The Marinara Mass?
The trouble is, I believe in all their semolinama. Bless me, Chef Boyareyoukidding, for I have Parmesaned.
His Noodly Appendage Blesses all sects. Even non-believers. Even towns that vote to ignore His or Her existence.
Ah, you’re looking for the PastaUnitarians.
I have been worshipping the Great Spaghetti Monster for some time now… well since I found the website, by divine providence. I do have to practice in a splinter sect of the gluten intolerant, so rice pasta is my sacrament. So far, no trouble with the Spaghetti Monster’s wrath, unlike poor Catholics, for whom gluten intolerance precludes partaking in the holy communion.
[Repeated from above] His Noodly Appendage Blesses all sects. Even non-believers. Even towns that vote to ignore His or Her existence.
Joe I read about the Spagetti monster in the Wpost a couple months ago. You do not want to fuck with this entity.
Think of Pat Robertson’s tortured mind. He worships a god that would watch him die if he doesn’t, well worship him. This god gives him no evidence of existence but is willing to pull the rug out from under him at anytime. He’s got to be a mental case from looking over his shoulder. Well we know that, but I think his hard core religious views pushed him over the edge. He may have been sane then got religion and it drove him nuts. Then again maybe he was nuts found religion and it hasn’t been a good cure for his paranoid delusions.
Ummm no work today started a little early.
Started early — 🙂
Robertson = Tool. I pity the tool.
I cannot understand how BostonJoe could have possibly thought this up himself. The semantics, the meaningful nature of the entire construct, the lack of any known law that can explain the sequence of symbols he uses to carry his “messages”, all tend to rule out chance as a plausible explanation.
What it really comes down to is that I could not have come up with this idea. I can’t see how he did.
That can only mean one thing. It must have been Intelligent Design.
Which means, oh my! BostonJoe/God, is that you?
For further reflection see: BostonJoe Revealed at the following site
BostonJoeIsGod!
I was getting kind of freaked out — I thought there was a website proclaiming me to be god. Visions of “BostonJoe Almighty” in my head.
But I do have a difficult time arguing with your logic. Under the standards set forth at said website, I am god. What a rush.
I’m reminded of Pedro’s speech in “Napoleon Dynamite.” “If you vote for me, all your wildest dreams will come true.”