This is a very personal diary about same sex couples and legal recognition, that I hope will serve as a space for dialogue in this area, and move the conversation into the area of the nuance and detail – from bald legal status for same sex couples, to thinking about issues of cultural acceptance and absorption. It’s about how the personal is political, and how it is affecting me.
Of course, in the grand scheme of things, this diary compared to issues around efforts to salvage the world from right-wing madness is absolutely, completely trivial. So I leave it up to you to decide whether you want to take a break from reading about how to save the world and what from, and read about something small.
read on for a small thing
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What has triggered it is that my partner (Keres) and I recently had the wonderful news that she had been granted Australia permanent residency; and this cleared the way for us to register as a couple in our home state, Tasmania. So to play on Mae West’s wonderful quote (“marriage is a fine institution, I just don’t think I’m ready for an institution yet”), my love and I are now institutionalised.
The state of the Institution in Australia & our State
While the miserable pusillanimous piece of faeces known to the world as the Australian Prime Minister John Howard recently amended the 1958 Marriage Act to make it extra-extra clear that homosexuals could not legally marry in Australia (even though the Act already defined marriage as “between a man and a woman”); several states are nevertheless quite progressive in terms of GLBTI rights, and surprisingly, my home state of Tasmania is the most progressive of them all. This is surprising because it was only a decade ago that homosexuality was illegal in Tasmania, and sodomy could see you sent to prison for a goodly portion of your natural life.
Last year the Labor (left) government passed the Relationships Act, which is considered one of the most progressive pieces of GLBTI legislation in the world, not least because it did not just look at the status of homosexual relationships, but of all dependent relationships (eg carer and care-ee). In doing so, the government made over 170 amendments to other pieces of Tasmanian state legislation, which gives something of a feel to just how institutionalised and assumptive most legislation is in denying basic rights to GLBTI people across all spheres of life.
The Act is not perfect; conservative elements refused to cave and allow homosexual adoption of children other than the biological child of one of the couple (eg if Keres had a child, I could legally adopt him/her; but if we wanted to seek an adoption where neither of us was a biological parent, this would not be possible), which remains a farce given the number of legal homosexual foster parents, for just one eg, in the state. But overall, the Act lays a vital foundation for equality, and I am confident in time that the last barriers will be addressed as amendments to the main Act.
The Relationships Act also does not allow gay marriage; but it did create a register for same-sex couples, the same as there is a registry for de facto (common law) couples, and essentially by registering, we have the same rights as any married couple under any area of State law – for example, this gives each of the right to make decisions about our partner’s health, and makes each of us the other’s guardian if one of us should ever be incapacitated.
Personal experience, thoughts, doubts and lingering indecision
So having laid out why Keres and I are very fortunate in living in a state with such progressive rights for same sex couples, I now want to talk about the personal experience.
Neither Keres or I are into big formal `dos’ – in fact I have distinct “formal-phobia” and Keres is pretty similar. So it’s fair to say that even if we could marry, you wouldn’t be catching us all gadded up in a church or public garden with a celebrant surrounded by family and friends in after-5 (`Scuse me while I shudder and move swiftly along from that image).
However there’s no question that this is a hugely significant event in our lives, yet the cultural environment combined with our own personal peccadillos has left me with a feeling of limbo, of insecurity and indecision about how to celebrate our commitment (in the best possible sense!) to each other.
I have had this feeling for a while, and the process of registering did not help, as it reinforced these feelings. The woman who witnessed our signatures and processed our $128.70 was very nice and obviously understood at least in the legal sense the significance of those pieces of paper, yet she clearly didn’t know quite how to treat us – for example she didn’t congratulate us. Yet if you go into get your marriage licence, there’s no such limbo – people are automatically acknowledged and congratulated by every person they tell of their intention to marry, including officialdom. Conversation about what they plan for the big day and other pleasantries are standard. Apparently two women essentially making the same legal commitment to each other is such a disconnect it doesn’t trigger similar responses in even perfectly nice people.
the power of words
Maybe it’s because there isn’t even a word or phrase. We’re not getting married – so what do you say? Committed? – ooh, nice, no pejorative overtones there. Joined as one? -can I vomit now please. And I want a word, something fierce. I want a word that has equal gravitas, recognition (or potential for), and imbuement with joy and celebration that marriage has – yet I don’t know what it is.
public acknowledgement & celebration
Close friends have asked us what we intend to do – or rather demanded a party! Which is at once nice, but hasn’t entirely resolved my feelings around the issue. There remains sneaking doubts. If we throw a big party for family and friends, will they acknowledge the significance and reason for it, or will it just be a nice party for a good reason? Regardless of whether we want or expect them – would they think they have to bring presents like a `normal’ celebration of two people’s union? Do we need to make speeches or get people to make them so people understand and take the event seriously? Do we have to exchange vows and/or rings? In other words, I’m left with this nagging feeling that if we don’t throw in some recognisable trappings of marriage, people aren’t going to accord us the same acknowledgment and respect – yet I don’t want really any of those trappings! I want the public acknowledgment, and I want it to be accorded naturally, not have it be something that feels in anyway forced or contrived on anyone, including me, us.
Sod Gratefulness
Of course, there’s part of me that feels I should just be grateful that we are even accorded these rights – and therein lies the heart of much of the battle for GLBTI equality; always as we slowly crawl and beg and scrabble our way closer to full equality, we are told to settle, be grateful, stop demanding. So actually, it’s not true that part of me feels I should be grateful. More accurately, there’s part of me that acknowledges how much luckier we are than most homosexuals all over the world, but refuses to see that as a premise of compromise, and anyone who thinks it is can get knotted. :p
concluding remarks
So here I sit. Keres and I have the rights; can we now devise a way to joyfully and comfortably celebrate them with those close to us? I think so; I hope so.
I’m trying to resist the temptation to `formalise’ (you-can’t-ignore-us-`cause-look-at-all-the-fuss-we-have-devised), or `casualise’ (it-doesn’t-really-matter-stay-cool-no-big-deal-lower-your-expectations-so-you-won’t-get-disappointe
d) whatever we decide to do and decide what the hell it is we actually want to do and can afford to do at the same time. I think part of the result is it makes it hard for is to have a conversation about it. We’re so used, I think, to poo-pooing and critiquing heterosexual patriarchy, what to do now we technically have rights and so are part of it? Having for years ascribed our own meaning to our lives, how does that now intersect with the views of others who matter to us?
I don’t have the answers to this; and I’m less confident than usual that I will get to some. So pile in. Comments, thoughts, suggestions, at the personal and/or meta level welcome. How about we think of a word together? The lack of even a word means trying to envision what I’d say to invite family and friends to an event is a stumper. What would you call it?
So finally, I guess this diary is also in many ways a first step. Guess what bootribbers! Keres and I got …institutionalised.
Congratulations!
Thanks. š
So, what are we?!
to be redundant in your title? “Lesbian woman”?
qe?
“lesbian” means women who love women. So no need for women after word “lesbian.” Don’t think there’s such an animal as lesbian man. And since there’s only two sexes, male and female, lesbian has to mean woman. . .correct me if I’m wrong.
well, technically it’s not redundant, as “woman” is my gender, not my sex.
But for general understanding, yes, you’re right. š
Because really technically “woman” is no one’s “gender.” Woman means adult female. So, female is your gender/sex. But never “woman.”
Be proud, bold and continue breaking barriers: You are married!
When you start calling yourselves married sooner or later society will catch on.
I join in the Congrats!
Do you want to call yourselves married? Because, despite the limitations it still strkes me as a civil marriage — that is, it is a way for two people who are already in a relationship to accomplish some legal niceties. That’s all I see my marriage as meaning. Having or not having the legal acknowledgement wouldn’t change anything about my relationship with my husband; it would only change our relationship with some legal entities.
And mazel tov. I’d like to think that you let Luna and Albert be the flower girl and ringbearer.
“I’d like to think that you let Luna and Albert be the flower girl and ringbearer.”
Oh dear, can you imagine the mess? – not least because the flower girl would chase the ringbearer under a chair and poke her huge paws at him while he glared at her. š
Calling us married: pluses – immediate recognition & understanding, lots of positive connotations. Minuses – lots of negative connotations for these two radical lesbian feminists.
Yet I’ll admit every now and then I ‘slip’ in some sense and referred to us as a marriage / married etc.
I just don’t know AndiF, and that’s a huge part of this. Another part is that in many senses we’ve “rushed” to get this piece of paper – ie there’s been none of the “traditional planning” up to this stage, because like most gay couples I suspect, our rights feel so fragile, Kere’s status in the country is still technically up for negotiation – IOW we still lack that bedrock assumption of legal security, so getting those legal rights was very important; crucial when you consider that Keres’ mum is a right wing fundamentalist christian wackjob who would quite probably fight me for rights should something happen to Keres. So we’ve got the paper, now we’re left going ok – how do we celebrate this?
Does that make sense?
I can understand why you see your marriage the way you do – but I also think that comes from having a thousand years or so of cultural reassurance to back up that attitude. š
For one thing, although I’m not a radical feminist, I’ve self-identified as feminist since 1968 (when I was 18) so getting married (which I did when I was 21) was something I had great qualms about but did it because while I recognized that the institution is a patriarchial load of crap, I also recognized that on an individual basis we could make our marriage whatever we wanted. And we’ve spend 34 years doing just that.
The other thing is that I was a (non-practicing) urban Jew marrying a (non-practicing) small-town Christian where there were very “religious” people on both sides who would not come to the wedding and who stopped acknowledging our existence — other than to berate us and our immediate families regularly about what a terrible thing this was and how it would never work.
We refused then and have always refused to let other people define our relationship for us. From what I’ve seen of you two (albeit through the limited lens of the internet) you certainly seem more than capable of doing the same.
First up I want to preface this by saying that I don’t want you to think for a moment I think there’s a heirarchy of “marriage” pain. š I read your situation and wince, and think, yep, we could have quite the conversation with lots in common. It also looks like to me that your situation was much harder in many ways, and you have my admiration and respect.
I guess what I was getting at was that marriage is a right for heterosexuals. While it might be hard to be in that frame – and you make a good case – it’s not the same as being completely locked outside the frame, or acccess to the frame being very limited, and constantly questioned.
Yes, Keres and I are capable of defining our relationship on our own terms. But I think one of the small revelations I’m having through this personal experience is this (rant warning – not aimed at you!)-
For once, just once, I would like to have available to choose if I please a common-as-dirt, instantly accepted, no fuss, standard societal ritual that we could undertake. But because we’re lesbian, by default, by inherent definition, we’re out the front pioneering, you know?
Ok, for eg, marriage has a shitload of baggage, and some elements are uncomfortable and make you vulnerable, but it’s a rite of passage, that everyone understands and supports you through. We don’t have that. We’ve got these legal rights, and now we have to try and forge a rite of passage that is meaningful for us, and meaningful & recognised by others. Yes, I could and should be grasping this as an opportunity, to be on the front line changing society for the better one little lesbian at a time, but you know, I’m tired, and trying to do this is making me feel insecure and vulnerable, not happy.
does that make any kind of sense?
PS – I forgot to mention that the ringbearer would also try and eat the flower girl’s flowers. š
aren’t easy, are they?
Yes, you make sense but I think at some point you have to say “fuck this shit” or you will let those pressures drag you under. What you and keres have is something beyond what can be touched by either your next-door neighbor or the world at large; instead you will be the ones touching them — your lives are part of part of what will make it possible for the next generation of SSM to be as ordinary as a Jew marrying a Christian is now. (Slight aside: a few people who shunned our marriage years later actually apologized.)
A little Shakespeare seems right here: Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments.
Everything the both of you say and do just reinforces my belief that two true minds have joined together to make a shared life. That’s what a marriage is and you have every right and every reason to call yourselves married.
And here’s a little hardware porn for Keres (I love tools).
From the Garret Wade catalog, my favorite erotica.
Who knew a set of lathe chisels could be so . . . er, sexy. Ahem.
I actually have a fine lathe chisel set of my own, but alas, no lathe. When I moved to Australia I had to sell my lathe, and all my other powered tools, as the voltage here is 220, not 110.
I’ve been rebuilding the collection, but the price of power tools here (and much, much else) is at least twice what it is in the States.
My husband and I built our own house (a very long time ago when we young and dumb and had no idea what we were getting into) and we could always relieve the stress and mistakes by buying some new tool we just had to have. The best one was when my brother-in-law found us a beautiful cabinetmaker’s table saw that had been dumped at the scrap yard where he worked. Turned out all it needed was a bit of work on the motor.
your lives are part of part of what will make it possible
should read
your lives are part of what will make it possible
…(and excuse me for being so nosy) do you know the relationship success rate of the “religious” folk in your family? Usually the ones talking the most smack are the most miserable. Gives them something to do, IMO.
Hey, 34 years. That’s excellent!!!
Keeping in mind that this was 1971 and these were all older people (on both sides), these were marriages that stayed together no matter what and never let the outside world know what was going on in their marriages. So I can’t really judge.
I know of no divorces among that generation either on my side or my husband’s. However, among my generation I do know that among my cousins, all of whom married Jews, the divorce rate is 50%. But none of my cousins gave me any grief about the marriage so they aren’t much of a test.
The daughter of one of the people who was the most offensive married a non-Jew and she was one of the ones who did eventually apologize, saying that she had come to realize that her daughter’s happiness mattered more than the religion of her husband.
Well I’m just glad that you all had the last laugh by having a successful marriage where you still actually like each other.
I love finding examples that we can pattern ourselves after (outside of our own parents who are pretty traditional–and we’re not). It helps.
And we’re almost in the “double digits.”
We’ve certainly had our ups and downs over the years but the fact that we are each other’s best friend has always gotten us through. I think the most important thing we’ve always done is be completely open about our expectations — which allows us to discuss them and modify them or out-and-out dump them if they are really in the way.
Best wishes!! I don’t know what you should call it–getting joined? coupled? de factoed? partnered? relationshipped?–but whatever it is, may it be an institutionalization made in heaven. (And I wish it could just be called marriage.) Much happiness to you both and to the furry and feathered kids. Have you told Luna?
Thank you for the best wishes. I think Luna worked it out a while ago. Keres is ‘mama’ and I am ‘not the mama’. š
Great diary and which brings up so many unanswered questions that need to be addressed and not just on a personal level really. The only thing I’d take issue with is the fact that this is not a trivial matter in the grand scheme of things…if the grand scheme of things leaves out whole segments of people in the scheme it’s not so grand is it.
I’m very happy that you and your partner are ‘legal’ and protected for the obvious reasons due to the medical/hospital issue and so on.
I always have a hard time writing about why gay people don’t have the same equality as heterosexual people because I simply don’t understand why all people don’t have the equal rights to be themselves and to function in society on the same social and legal basis.
As for any word defining your relationship…I have no idea beyond using the word partner…any relationship where the couple are not equal partners than the relationship isn’t what it should be anyway. All relationships in a certain way should simply refer to the other person as partner instead of the arbitrary words of husband and wife which immediately sets up a male/female concept right away and thus sets an artificial or non-inclusive attitude right off the bat.
I’m probably not explaining that well but that’s a start on my thinking. But I wish we could come up with some cool word to describe all relationships that are committed and make it universally accepted.
well we are definitely partners- but we’ve been that for a while. We have technically taken a further step on the ‘commitment’ scale, and certainly we both recognise that.
I think our situation is kind of trivial, because we do have rights, climate change is coming, and Howard and Bush and Blair are still in power, and Iraqi civilians keep dying, and democracy is becoming a propaganda term rather than a way of life – but it doesn’t mean I think my life, our life is unimportant. Sometimes it really is all about meeeeeeee for me. š
I’d like a cool word too. A friend of mine who is common law refers to her significant other as her “husfriend” – which she defines as “the stage before you make a legal commitment to each other and become partners”. It’s cute, but has obvious limitations.
It’s the word to describe the declaration of luurve and commitment and death do us part and all that, that I’m looking for.
I should raid my sci-fi books perhaps!
It has stood the test of time. š
you’re kidding me right?! :p
And you and your lady will always be ladies to me. š
Why not say “wedded”?
not sure? I guess in my mind “wedded” is (somehow) a verb of marriage. How do you think of it?
Of course, keres would probably prefer “welded” as she loves to do welding, and thinks I don’t notice her drooling over welding equipment in hardware stores. š
I think that “welded” might unfortunately reflect on the lesbian u-haul stereotype though. š
gift registry at a hardware store?
I mean, already have my own welding goggles and gloves.
The big question would be MIG or TIG. And then there is plasma to consider. š
yields the following:
So, do ya wanna splice? – that’s an icecream here. :p
C’mon, you pick something from that god-awful list!
More proof we need another word.
I’ll put my vote in for either ‘coupled’ or ‘paired’. Just because they are both free of most connotations.
At least until we figure out the new word š
Oh, and congratulations to the both of you!
Actually, I was taken by how nautical the list was.
And wouldn’t that be a fine theme for a party. <rolleyes>
p.s. You knew I was a tool-junky when you “spliced” me.
But we’re still not having a registry at the hardware store. š
At least with a nautical theme we could sing ribald sea shanties…..no, wait….
Oh god, I’ve just had a terrible image of my brother singing olde english shanties about wenches. Heeeeeelllllppp
Um, “dropping anchor” and “yoked” are DEFINITELY not on the list of potential choices…
As in joined by mutual consent in vows. Formaly bonded before witnesses.
“Bonded” not as in “bondo-ed” — the stuff used to repair rusted out cars.
– mind you, Keres is pretty fond of bondo as well. But ‘welded’ is more generally known as a term (I’m not sure we have a product called ‘bondo’ here), and besides, the image I get in my head is pretty funny. š
Congratulations to you both! May your lives be filled with Peace and Happiness.
I, like CI above, find it difficult to understand why the semantics
of the language have such dissonant meanings and conflicting attributes attached to particular words.
In my personal relationships, married and SO, I have never used the defining words of “wife”, “girlfriend”, “partner” etc. The person I was sharing my life with already had a name, that is how they were introduced. What word(s) others chose to define the relationship were, and are, irrelevant.
Relationships are not defined by linguistics. Those who know and care about you will define it in terms that are meaningful to them and respectful to you.
Short answer: call it what you want, don’t let other people’s associative baggage influence your decision.
Peace and Blessings Keres and Myriad
CONGRATULATIONS TO BOTH OF YOU
Geeze. . .you sure gave me a lot to think about, even in my old age. . .
Having lived through most of the “modern era” herstory of GLBT, I have been to many “gay marriages” all the way from TOO prissy elegant to absolutely hilarious. No one seemed to care at all that they were/are not legally recognized. I have been to “Holy Unions” at various churches where the two persons publicly declaring their love, devotion and shared purpose were so joined and recognized in a church by a minister. I have been the minister that performed such “Unions.” And I have also been one of those people who was “Joined in Holy Union” to another.
And although I understand very clearly your concerns and have sympathy for your questions and feelings about this. . .I sure don’t know what the answer is.
I have been to a lovely outdoors in the mountains ceremony where the two guys wrote their the words they spoke to each other and each stood inside of a separate circular wreath of pine boughs lying on the ground and after speaking their loving words to each other stepped together into a third pine bough wreath (lying on the ground)to symbolize their choosing to be partnered and of one purpose.
I have heard many “traditional” type ceremonies, but the most moving are always those that are not traditional in the words that are said but are thoughts straight from the heart with special meaning for those pledging their love and support and lives to each other.
It will be whatever the two of you feel it should be in order to best express your feelings about sharing your lives together. Whatever that looks like and sounds like will be exquisitely and personally yours.
I have access to all manner of “vows” that are not so traditional if you are interested in seeing some of them for ideas or whatever they might add to your plans.
I am very happy for the two of you, and I wish there was a different tradition than the one we have in the hetero world that seems to be so less than fulfilling to you.
Mozul Tov! And Big Hugs to both of you
Shirl
(I always called my partner, my partner or my spouse. But truth be known. . .every woman in the world, straight, gay or otherwise NEEDS a wife. . .LOL and just a little frivolity, eh?)
Many congratulations to the both of you, your news has made my day.
I’m afraid I don’t have much in the way of answers — but I hope you find that fierce word and when you do, tell me what it is.
As for celebrations, I’ve always been fond of grand picnic extravaganzas. But that’s just me. š I think it’s true that incorporating some kind of ritual will help focus your celebration and reinforce its significance for your guests.
Myriad, I’m not able to offer any constructive thoughts on what to call the state that you are entering, but it seems to me that the word ‘commitment’ has cropped up several times in the comments. Perhaps you could hold a commitment party? That’s what friends of mine did some years back, though I don’t think it was based around any legal status.
Oh, and congratulations on being institutionalised, although hopefully not committed. š
May you and Keres have many years of love and happiness. I think you should throw that party and celebrate in style with your family and friends. Even though the conversation upthread is intensely interesting, I’m on my first coffee and am barely past the grunting stage.
That’s so fantastic. Celebrate in whatever manner is best for you, but absolutely celebrate!! You both are worthy and deserving a day honoring your relationship/”institutionalization”/partnerdom. :<)
I celebrate every birthday and anniversary, ‘cuz to me, they are MUCH better than the opposite. But wanna know how I celebrated my birthday last year? We went bowling.
Nothing fancy, but I damned sure celebrated.
You wouldn’t share this news if it wasn’t important. Celebrating it shows how important it is to you and the circle of family (I include friends in that definition) who loves, cares and supports you. This is not about having a nice party for them–unless you’re an event planner, parties you throw are about you, not them.
You are celebrating the love you have for each other and how you choose to express it. How sweet it is, esp. in the face of so much BS.
Congratulations – and make sure you do celebrate publicly somehow: that’s rather the point of traditional marriage anyway, to make the pairing official (plus all the property rights). Underneath all the accreted legal nonsense is a basic wish to celebrate, announce and acknowledge that to our tribe.
I think you’d get away with a formal invitation along the lines of “We invite you to celebrate the joining of Keres and Myriad” omitting the “in holy matrimony” bit that’s stuck on the end. It’s possibly easier to do with a formal invitation rather than casually.
Marriage is something that happens in the hearts of two people, quite independently of legal contracts and even religious ceremonies.
There are man-woman couples who divorce despite all that, and couples of all kinds whom nothing will separate, whether they have any of that or not.
As Nag says, throw that party, and celebrate what is in your hearts.
And be sure to visit the jeweler, to buy your lady a celebratory gift š Or if you are both resolutely not the jewelry type, buy her chocolate. From Swizterland.
Something small? What are you talking about? Why would anyone want to save the world except so that others can enjoy these small things you’re talking about. In the long run it’s a lot more important than the filthy carry on of a crowd of crooks.
Congratulations! I believe that you should not hesitate to have some kind of party to celebrate your commitment to each other. (assuming that both of you are in agreement.) The word unite seems appropriate and carries somewhat limited baggage. I suppose that it would be cumbersome though to describe it as a celebration of our uniting.
does that mean that they are actually Unitersand not dividers?
Echoing the congrats stuff from above, and great diary — this is, to me, one of the more interesting mental exercises, since I spend rather a lot of time helping the folks fighting for marriage equality while I personally have no desire ever, ever to have a “marriage”. That’s the thing — I think what you’re getting at is about a lot more than just language, but goes into the whole hetero/gendered power structure that surrounds our cultural “marriage” institution… correct me please, if I’m wrong.
Going into a bit of a side note on the whole thing:
I honestly don’t think there’s a right answer to “what are we?”.
My girlfriend (Cara) and I have been together for 4 years now, we are domestically partnered (largely because of health insurance/legal stuff), and we both have this very strange relationship with the idea of marriage — because to us, there’s so much cultural baggage in it that we don’t want. Which means that for us, we tend to try to avoid even placing our relationship within the same framework in as many ways as are possible.
But that gets complicated, because most of the world (and to say it doesn’t affect us would be stupid) certainly does define all relationships through a certain framework of “steps”… with marriage and everything that goes with it as one of those steps, and in this case, ceremony as a step as well. The degree to which you choose to take each of those pieces on or reject them is entirely up to you — and the language that you choose is hard to balance between your own concept of what you are and the social needs/expectations of those around you.
I guess the overall point, to me, is that every queer relationship has to negotiate this stuff individually as it goes — depending on the desires both socially and personally of the people involved. And I personally think that’s a terrific thing — bear in mind that when you are forced to make up your own structure, you tend to put a lot more thought into how you want it to work. Straight people, by and large, never have to do this work, since they have a convenient default that they usually seldom question (overgeneralization, please note) and IMO they tend to be a lot worse off for it in the long run.
Whatever language and definitions for it you wind up building for yourselves, please be proud of it, and remember that while it’s more difficult to have to build the definition from scratch, it’s also far, far more likely to avoid winding up stifling and scripted.
I want the public acknowledgment, and I want it to be accorded naturally, not have it be something that feels in anyway forced or contrived on anyone, including me, us.
That’s a long way off, IMO, but a constant battle to fight — one we will win, in the long run. This is one price, so far as I can tell, of having the freedom of definition that I babbled about above. The trick to me is to try to keep the freedom when it’s wanted without keeping the public/social acknowledgement out of reach.
Throw yourselves a hell of a party. Whatever you decide to call it or make it represent. The people who get it will get it, and the people who don’t won’t. Make it yours.
Woo, not enough coffee. Sorry that got so long, rambly, and peripheral.
Congratulations to you both. The weird thing about marriage is that it involves more than two – the state is always a part of it. So when one goes to the hospital, the state says you get to make decisions on her behalf. Same for testifying in court. The state stands with you and defends your rights as a couple. It’s a good thing.
Now about that word search – how about ‘my pet’ or our fave ‘my dahh-ling’ no need to define it any further.
All the best to you all and especally a crunchy kiss for the gorgeous Luna.
to everyone who answered here. The good wishes and thoughtful responses are very much appreciated. Thank you. It means a lot, and I’ve found it very cathartic and cheering. Thank you. š
We really like the idea of a picnic; we already know that whatever we do there will be a strictly casual dress code (and mandatory flannel pyjamas for anyone who turns up looking too smart!). Still not sure how we’ll navigate the whole vow/ceremony bit, other than wanting to run away from it, so perhaps that’s the answer. š
If we come up with a good word, I’ll let you know.
That’s if I can get Keres to concentrate and stop drooling over the tool porn – AndiF!!