Booman City (FAP) – Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster High Priest BostonJoe suggested Thursday that Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon’s stroke was divine punishment for “serving pasta without meat balls.”
“The Flying Spaghetti Monster considers all land to be his,” BostonJoe said on his TV program “Noodles For Life.” “You read vengaza.org and it is clear that Israel and all lands are the domain of the FSM. Therefore, for any prime minister of Israel who decides he is going to serve pasta without meatballs, the FSM says, `No, pasta and meatballs shall go together. And tasty sauce. A stroke for you my misguided anti-pasto.”’
Sharon, who ordered Israelis to eat their spaghetti with plain marinara last year, suffered a severe stroke on Wednesday.
In BostonJoe’s broadcast from his Fazoli’s franchise in sunny Michigan, the High Priest said he had personally prayed about a year ago with Sharon, whom he called “a very tender-hearted man who enjoyed all types of pasta, and a good friend.” He said he was sad to see Sharon in this condition.
He also said, however, that the FSM makes it very clear that he will not touch those with his noodly appendage if they insist on eating spaghetti without meatballs. Most visions of the FSM have included meatballs, and conservative Pastafarians insist on serving the yummy pasta with meatballs, or at least meat sauce, in addition to the traditional donning of full-pirate dress.
Sharon “was dividing the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s land and I would say woe unto any prime minister of Israel who takes a similar course toward non-meat sauces,” BostonJoe said.
People For the Marinara, which monitors “Noodles For Life,” criticized BostonJoe’s remarks, calling them “an implicit rebuke to the loving nature of the revealed Spaghetti Monster to include all pasta eaters, regardless of sauce or cheese preferences.”
“Once again, BostonJoe leaves us speechless with his insensitivity and arrogance,” the group’s president said in a statement.
In August, BostonJoe suggested that the citizens of Dover, Pennsylvania had rejected the Flying Spaghetti Monster by voting their school board out of office for supporting “Flying Spaghetti Monsterism” and warned the entire town not to be surprised if pirates struck. BostonJoe later apologized for his remarks, saying he “spoke before his ravioli appetizer.”
But spaghetti without meatballs? It just ain’t kosher.
Firebrand Israeli anti-fork twirler Benjamin ‘Bibi” Netanyahu has been accused of pandering to radical factions best known for their custom of cutting spaghetti with knives by promising, if elected to replace the recuperating and comatose marinara extremist Ariel Sharon, to ban all celebrations of the popular autumn holiday Pastaween.
Pastaween in Israel has traditionally been marked by children dressing up in costumes representing their favorite pasta and meatball dish, and going door to door to receive gifts of parmesan cheese.
Aaaccckkk….that is so not kosher…not snark! No dairy with meat….
But funny comment anyway!
Like the falafel. And who said there’s dairy in parmesan cheese anyway?
My mistake…since the term was ‘meat’…
Think I’ll go back to work now.
Everytime I see Netanyahu now I’ll be calling him ‘Bibi’-with a name like that he might not seem so scary.
Instead of joyous cerebralation, the admonished were full on regrettatoni. “You mozzarellish this unique opportunity to atone,…yessa you, and you and olive you over there too.”
Thomas Jefferson brought a pasta making machine back with him in 1789, when he returned to America after serving as ambassador to France. This is clear evidence that FSM-ism had a major impact on the founding of our nation. Spaghetti without meatballs is like macaroni without cheese and America without the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
I support my High Priest, even if he was forced against his will to adjust his statement to please the spaghetti without meatballs crowd. These people are living in Sin and need to be told of their error, whether it’s popular to say so or not. And we must always remember to be afraid, as the Noodly Appendage is used to smite the sinful as well as to caress the righteous.
In other FSM news – Evidence of the Son of FSM has recently been unearthed in Italy, near Narni. The likeness of the man known as Al Dente, who is believed to have been sent by the FSM to save us from our sins of eating spaghetti WITHOUT meatballs was uncovered by a team of pastarchaeologists.
Al Dente was rejected by many, and revered by a few, but was eventually boiled in a pot of water until he wilted by a group of bible-thumpers.
Wing-nuttery immitation that I have to step out of character and say: Hehe.
In this case, imitation is the sincerest form of flatulence.
Somewhat O/T, but I need some pastoral advice, O High Priest BostonJoe.
Is chianti the only acceptable beverage when partaking of the sacrament of spaghetti and meatballs, or are other fine Italian reds like montepulciano also acceptable?
Also, I have heard of a possibly schismatic group that believes it is acceptable to eat Italian sausage (hot or mild) with their spaghetti? Are such practices theologically acceptable and valid?
The website is silent on the topic of the correct wine when partaking in the Body of the FSM. But no matter which wine you drink, the FSM will retroactively change your decision to the correct wine. So your free will on this point is moot. The important thing is to trust in the FSM and all will be well. The FSM is a flexible diety, if you are reverent, and you boil him for about 10 minutes.
As for sausage. Yes. Meat is meat according to word of our sauciness. May his noodly appendage touch us all.
Kosher beef sausage. He does not like the turkey kind.
DF,
Thank you, I am comforted by the insightful wisdomliness of what you have shared with us. š
When is the High Spaghetti Priest going to cash in on the product endorsements? I say we need some ‘Spaghetti Priest’s Own’ line of Marinara and other Sauces. Let’s get with the program so we can build our own ‘ Cyrstal Spaghetti Cathederal’, we need a youth band to bring in those poor spaghetti deprived youngsters, maybe called something like the ‘Sonic Mac and Cheese’ band, and we most definitely need to put out some noodlely feelers for our own 700 Club for the airwaves…maybe 700 Club only backwards….although I think 007 might be taken..anyway we can not live by noodles alone people.
Also this just in from CNN: Breaking news statement from Sharon’s family stating his last words before his stroke was not Rosebud as first reported but he seemed to be trying to whisper the word ‘meatballs’. Make of that what you will and we will keep you updated.
Ha! Meatballs.
As for cashing in, remember the FSM’s wise words. Give to Kraft that which is manufactured by Kraft, and give that which is truly holy to his soaring pastaness.