You have to be true to yourself we were taught by the music of the sixties and if that means you spend more time feeling like a piece of shit, or hospitalized drunk in jail then so be it.
You have to be true to yourself no matter how fucked up you become.
The road is set. You can only follow. Or take your chances in the wilderness.
My sister slept all day when she heard the news. I called my dad and stepmom.
I got drunk on shiner bock and the big empty sky. I drove through the South Texas wasteland feeling particularly at home.
I dreamt once that I was dying and my wife was screaming at me in a state of shock. She was terrified that I was dying on her so much that I concentrated all my concern onto her and couldnt feel my own passing.
Its ok Its ok I said
fading into a spectacular sunset which turned monochrome.
I have no words. Everything I thought of writing sounded trite or patronizing. But I couldn’t let your pain go unacknowledged either.
I can only mirror what Kahli said. There are no words.
It’s not clear to me, but I assume you are talking about your wife. I doubt I’d have the nerve to write poetry if I thought my wife was dying, but I’ve risen to other occasions of tragedy and maybe I could rise even to that.
Maybe.
Hope. Pray for hope. Pray for an expanding imagination, and expanding sense of the future. There is always hope.
For what it’s worth. That’s a main way I cope with pain.
It’s your mom, I think? I am so sorry. I don’t know how you feel, but I understand. We just got the same news about my oldest brother, and its like having the present crowded out by the past and future all at once.
You’ve said it so well: a spectacular sunset turning into monochrome.
I could really use a cold Shiner Bock right now.
Sorry to hear it. My family has had to deal with alot of cancer issues and it can be overwhelming to watch a loved one deteriorate. One thing that the illness can never touch though is love, so make sure the family shares plenty of it with each other. Paz
Take care of yourself. There eventually will be color in the world again, when the shock wears off, and it makes a difference (honest!) whether you’re there to witness it and share it with others.
I say again: take care of yourself, in the middle of taking care of everybody else who will claim your attention.
All our thoughts are with you.
Nothing in medical science is ever a certainty. Focus, intent, a positive attitude and sheer stubborn willpower can sometime be the deciding factor that no medical expert can account for.
I know because 10 years ago my doctor’s all agreed that I would live at the most for 4 more years. I’m the walking dead, a zombie. Living proof that medical science has it’s limits and those limits are not fully understood.
So here’s how the big revelation went down in my case.
Doctor: (With a deadpan expression on her face she says.)
“Your condition is serious!”
Me: (Very calm.)
“So?”
Doctor: (Now with a look of great concern on her face.
“No you don’t understand. Your condition is very serious.”
Me: (Still very calm.)
“So?”
Doctor: (Now afraid to look me in the eye. So she turns her head away and says.)
“You don’t understand, what I am saying is that your going to die.”
Me: ( Now looking relived and still calm.)
“So, is that all? How long?”
Doctor: (Now she looks into my eyes again.)
“2 to 4 years without a transplant. But I don’t think a transplant will work in your case with all the other systemic damage.”
Me: (I smile and then laugh. After I stop laughing I look at her totally perplexed face and say.)
“Doctor if I had a dime for all the times that I by all rights should have been dead I’d be a millionaire. Sorry but I’m probably going to disappoint you this time. Fate it seems has a sense of humor and in my case I doubt this will kill me but I’m sure it’s just going to hurt a lot.”
Now every time I see this doctor for a checkup she looks at me and the first thing she says is something about being amazing! I always act like I have no idea what she is so amazed at.
There are things in this world medical science cannot account for. No person’s fate is ever certain from microsecond to microsecond. So spit in the eye anybody who begs to differ and fight like hell. Medical science is not an exact science. Always remember this.
Keep an open mind learn everything you can and make the right decisions with the knowledge you gain. In the test of life this is sometimes the hairbreadth of difference between life and death.
Don’t buy into the program and maybe she can cheat death for a longer time than anyone believes. I do it everyday and don’t worry about it till it really is my time. Sun Tzu stated it best, “in death ground, fight.”
In your case be pro-active, not re-active.
I sincerely hope this helps you and yours sort it all out donkeytale. I know when I get to talk to the management I’m definitely going to express my views on how this Mortality thing really sucks the big one.
Good morning Donkeytale,
How long have you and Donkette been together?
All my life. She’s my 78 year old mother out in LA.
I’m sorry. I assumed you were talking about your partner, or wife.
Of course my thoughts are with you, your Mother, and your family.
When my Grandfather died of cancer in the mid eighties he knew he didn’t have much time, so he decided to live it up as best he could. He emptied his, and his wife’s bank account, spending the money on everything from prostitutes, to meals in fine restaurants, and trips to places he’d never been. I remember after the funeral, his wife wanted nothing to do with us, the family of the guy who left her almost nothing. Most people just had bad things to say about him. Me, when I think of him, I have to give a wink at him because he took what time he had, and made it a party. F everyone else.
I know this is meaningles in your situation, just thought I’d share it. You heading out to LA to be with her? Life, and the loss of it, seem effed up most of the time. We’re all just riding along, helpless to effect much change. But some things we do control. Final weeks, or days, can be spent wallowing in tears, or casting off all bonds and living it up for all it’s worth.
Take care Donkeytale
She’s planning a car trip to Texas. She wants to spend as much time as possible with my 11 year old son, who has been her light since the day he was born.
I am really sorry donkeytale. Words alone can not convey the feelings.
My good friend Pat just died of lung cancer this February. I still cry for her loss as I write this.
She fought for almost a year after the diagnosis. But she also opened her life and her struggle to all of us who wanted to share it with her. She talked honestly and directly to us and fought for those in her family (mainly her son) who couldn’t face it. And, in the end, she told us she was living in a “waterfall of grace.” What a blessing her life has been to me.
I see those opportunities for donkette too. She needs to gain acceptance first or decide if she wants to battle.
I lost my best friend to cancer 4 years ago. It’s a heartless disease. I treasure every moment we spent together. I can still hear her voice, I remember every line of her face and I still talk to her. My hope for you is that your love for your mother will always stay fresh and green, that you will always feel her love and that she will live in your heart always. I’m so sorry, Donkeytale.
I also have no words. And the same thing happened everything I wanted to say did sounded trite so I am back to where I started, I am at a lost for words.
Very, very sorry.
Losing those we love is terrible and awful and regrettably unavoidable. Forgive these comments if they’re too personal, but they could help. I have way too much experience with cancer in my family. Savor the time you have left. Don’t be offended when she gets near the very end if she becomes indifferent to this world as she prepares for the next. Up until that time keep her in this one. Death is not an end, but a passage. My wife Gail and I send our love to both you and your mom.
I am so sorry to hear about your Mom.
My Father-in-Law died of Cancer recently.
Remember when dealing with this, if you think of something that would make her happy, then do it. Don’t wait. Life is too short. That is the one wisdom we learned from Cancer.
You, your Family and your Mom will be in my prayers.
There’s just nothing else to say.