I received something strange in the mail yesterday. It all has to do with an odd little passage in the Book of Acts:
11 So extraordinary were the mighty deeds God accomplished at the hands of Paul
12 that when face cloths or aprons that touched his skin were applied to the sick, their diseases left them and the evil spirits came out of them.
“Face cloths” has often been translated as “hankerchiefs”. And a paper hankerchief is what came in my mail. The letter also contained a self-addressed stamped envelope, a flyer with testimonials, and a letter explaining how to use the hankerchief, and donate money.
Here are two testimonials:
[I’m hoping this is not Meteor Blades]
Under the banner: USED THE BIBLE HANKERCHIEF
Florida- “I put the Hankerchief in the Bible…and I sent it back to you. I received a check for $3,500…I received a check for $2,500.00…” O.C.
Here is how it works:
:::FLIP:::
In the morning, I am supposed take the faith hankerchief out of the Bible and put it in the SASE. Under no cicumstances am I to keep the faith hankerchief and “break the flow of God’s Spirit”. They will provide me with a free spiritual gift, they will pray over my hankerchief, and they assure me that I will be the recipient of a “special miracle blessing”.
Of course, I am encouraged to donate some money. And I have a variety of options for what I want my miracle to be. I just check the boxes.
Some options are:
A closer walk with Jesus
To stop a bad habit
A New Car
A Better Job
A Money Blessing
A Home to Call My Own
My Children
So, any ideas for what I should ask for? I’m thinking a new laptop, or a plasma television.
Write back and tell them you only accept blessed handkerchiefs that offer options to restore lost nature and cross your enemies, after calling them by name.
if I wanted to be nasty, I could write my name, and my most pressing problem would be nasal congestion. Evidence supplied.
Put a big pot of water on the fire.
Throw in some herbs. Eucalyptus, mint are good if you got em, if not, whatever you can lay hands on.
Let it boil.
Go get a towel.
After it boils, take the pot off the fire, bend over it, and cover your head and the pot with the towel.
Breathe the hot steam. Don’t burn your nasal passages but it should feel hot. Do that for a few minutes.
This should help clear your sinuses and ladies swear it is excellent for the complexion as well.
a pony.
that would be a curse. A pony in south philly? My backyard is about 18’x 12′.
How about a puppy to keep the “real” Booman company?
Ask for Bush to return to his home planet.
Guest role on the third season of Deadwood … and one for your fetching bride too.
(And copies of all the scripts for me?)
Old scam. “Faithfully” used for years.
Instructions included with regular handkerchief: blow me. (Maybe a bad translation.) Strange way to encourage a religious experience.
Personally, I like the scam letters that promise untold riches immediately you have sent a dollar plus letters to 10 other people.
How about asking that all the neocons be immediately raptured up to wherever and we get all their stuff. Hallelujah, brother and A-men!
Geez, and I thought we Catholics had the monopoly on weird Christian rituals…
My vote is to sketch a face impression on the hankerchief with a brown crayon or chalk and send it back. That’ll keep em guessing.
why should Catholics have all the fun? Pass the rattler and a mason jar o’ strychnine juice.
want some incense with that?
You could just wrap a sucker in the handkerchief and send it back with the note that you were born on the half minute.
Nobody mentioned it but your “M.B.
[I’m hoping this is not Meteor Blades]” was inspired 🙂
Did you use the face cloth to think that one up?
Send it back with a note that says the effect of the hanky was nearly immediate, that it brought laughter and joy to folks facing trying times. Write the link to this diary on it.
There are such things as progressive, Democratic beleivers. And even if it goes back to a Limbaugh for the Lord, you’ll be sharing a laugh at best- and at worst encouraging the expenditure of fundamentalist direct mail resources on something that doesn’t explicitly support the Chimperious Leader.
After spending all weekend in the land of the Albuquerque I come back to miraculous nosewipes, a report on CNN that wackos want to redefine science, and a stupid report in Newsweek is causing riots through out the Muslim world.
Will some intelligent life, somewhere in the Cosmos, GET ME OFF THIS STUPID PLANET!
http://wroctv.com/features/story.asp?id=512&f=8_On_Your_Side Ok booman you mean you haven’t received in the mail the blessed prayer rug?
I had to go look this up but I’ve receieved this idiotic thing in the mail twice in the last several years. Kinda the same premise. Only this is a paper size ‘rug’ with a picture of Jesus which if you stare at it long enough your eyes are supposed to cross and then Jesus’s eyes open and look at you.
Of course they suggest you send them a little donation after you pass along the prayer rug to someone else.
Started in some church in Oklahoma…no surprise there, right. Why isn’t that church doing something constructive instead of having anything to do with this kind of nonsense?