Here at BooTrib we don’t have Cheers & Jeers. For a while Carnacki did a similar column called ‘Chills & Thrills’ every Friday afternoon.
But we do occasionally have a little mojo party to promote community feelings. So, if you’ve got a joke, post it below and receive mojo. If you aren’t a funny guy or gal, that’s okay, steal someone else’s material. There’s lots of jokes on the internet.
I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It’s a world of madmen
And uncertainty
And potential mental losses.
Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the internet
Become more few?
How many hands have I shaked?
They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.
I know that the human being and the fish
Can coexist.
Families is where our nation finds hope
Where our wings take dream.
Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher!
Make the pie higher!
I needed that. Thank you.
A song made entirely of quotes from Dubya’s speeches.
And check out John’s web site. Good hopeful liberal music.
I was born in West Texas, pretty near California
Far away from Dad’s home in DC
When I’m talkin’ ’bout myself and
They’re talking ’bout myself
All of us are talkin’ about me
Now some may retort to personal attacks
Take the high horse then claim the low road
But I’m not revengeful person
I’ll simply respond with this ode
When I delivered the State of the Budget Address
I offered a question or two
How can a man still put food on his family
Will the tollbooth to the middleclass become more few?
Itís time to make the pie higher
This idea’s sure to resignate
This is no time to be subliminable
It’s a time to unificate
If there’s more trade, there’s more commerce
And we’ll bring this solution to an end
Even if your business is Hispanically owned
If you speak French or Mexican
We’re working for a hopefuller country
No longer vulcanized
Where humans and fish can coexist
And each act civilized
I think we agree, the past is over
Still we’re held hostile everywhere
Today we’re not so sure who “they” are
But still, we know that they’re there
No longer inoculated from what is coming
With a foreign-handed foreign policy
Keep good relations w/ Kosovoans and Grecians
And resist emotionality
We know reading is the basics of learning
And learning, well, I forget the rest
But teach a child to read and he or her
Will sure pass a literacy test
So I ask you, “Is our children learning?”
Will we tolerate failed subsidation
Or will this be where wings finally take dream
Not a cufflink of federalization
So if you’re tired of the politics of polls and of principles
It’s time that you join this campaign
We’re looking for women who while serving our country
Never the house will they stain
Where our priorities is our faith
Where a troop can house his family
We’ll find power to power the power of the power plants
No, you’d best not misunderestimates me
Sung:
With every word and every breath
Our language dies a slow, sad death
Hail to the Chief, let’s give him hail
Part Yogi Berra
Part Dan Quayle
©2001 John McCutcheon/Appalsongs (ASCAP)
You get an A.
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Well, just two, but how you get them in there is beyond me.
Maybe I’ve just had a long day, but that made me laugh out loud. Thanks!
Just wait….at 40 or 50 of those bad things they are all groaner funny!
Booman knew we needed a good laugh…bless him…bad jokes will do it!
It’s an oldie but a goodie.
On a completely different note, read this, over at driftglass. It put a bit more spring in my step.
How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Californians don’t screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs.
I know the other version of that one: substitute “hippie” for “Californian” and “VW Bus” for “hot tub,” add comedic timing, and presto.
Replace “Hippie” with “Unitarian Universalist” and “hot tub” with “Sleeping Bag”, and you have yet another varition.
If I remember my youth correctly, if you sub in “Unitarian”, You need to use “anywhere”.
George Bush is visiting the Queen of England. They’re in the drawing room at Buckingham Palace, and Bush leans forward and says, “Elizabeth. Things seem to run very well here. I have a question. How do you know that you’ve got good people working for you?
The queen says, “Well, that’s easy, George. I ask them riddles.”
George says, “How so?”
So the queen has Tony Blair summoned to the drawing room. He comes in. She says to him. “Tony. I’m going to ask you a riddle. Your parents have three children. The child I’m talking about is not your brother and not your sister, who is it?”
Tony brightens up, smiles, and says, ‘Well, that’s easy, Your Majesty. It’s me!”
“Very good, Tony.” And she dismisses him.
George says, “Hey. Thanks.”
So, he goes back to DC. He’s in the Oval Office, and he calls in Donald Rumseld. Says, “Rummy. I’ve got a riddle for you. Your parents have three children. If it’s not your brother and not your sister, which kid am I talking about?”
Rummy scratches his head. Ponders. Says, “That’s a tough one, Mr. President. Can I have a minute to think about it?”
Bush says, “Sure.”
Rummy wanders down to the rest room. There, he sees Colin Powell’s shoes underneath the stall door.
“Hey Colin, Can I ask you a question?”
Powell says, “Sure.”
So Rummy repeats the riddle to him.
Powell speaks. “Well, that’s easy. It’s me.”
Rummy rubs his hands together. “Thanks Colin. You’re great!”
He runs into the Oval Office, and shouts, “I’ve got it Mr. President. It’s Colin Powell!”
Bush reacts. “NO, you idiot. It’s Tony Blair!”
however, it is kind of sad that it could be true.
Q: Why was Luke not called Ken?
A: Because ObiWan would have then had to say “Use the Force, Ken”
to get it
I’ve read it about four times and I still don’t get it 🙁
There is always someone that always needs the jokes explained to them… (that’s usually me)
say the last line aloud.
Out loud and slowly….
I did warn you! 😉
LOL, I finally got it.
Thanks Carnacki and brinnaine
GRASSHOPPER PIE
[Note: I have yet to get the “official” pie recipe from my dad-in-law who makes one to die for, but this one sounds similar…]
1 (9 inch) chocolate graham cracker crust
1 (1 lb.) bag marshmallows
1/2 c. milk
1 1/2 c. whipping cream, whipped (or one 8 oz. container Cool Whip)
1/4 c. green creme de menthe liqueur
3 tbsp. white creme de cocoa liqueur
Melt marshmallows in milk (can be done in microwave). When completely cool, fold into whipped cream. Blend in liqueurs and place mixture into crust. Freeze until firm. Can be garnished with whipped cream of shaved chocolate.
And for those who abstain from alcohol:
BAPTIST GRASSHOPPER PIE
* 1 (9 inch) prepared graham cracker crust, chocolate
* 16 large marshmallows
* 1/4 cup milk
* 1-1/2 teaspoons mint extract
* 1 teaspoon chocolate extract
* 3/4 cup heavy whipping cream
* 1-1/2 drops green food coloring
DIRECTIONS:
First recipe from Cooks.com
Second recipe from pie.allrecipes.com
[I miss the dKos Firefox extension… :'(]
best summer drink. ever.
When I lived in Seattle, from time to time, friends & I might say to each other “Let’s go worship at the Moon Temple (Wallingford). And we drank grasshoppers there.
my chicago/seattle self praises the grasshopper
my socal/nocal self praises ‘grita.
bless her heart, would always make a batch of non-alcoholic grasshoppers for all the children at the family gatherings. We’d have our kiddie cocktails with the best of them, complete with little paper umbrellas. Thanks for helping me recall a sweet memory!
Not a grandmother, but I keep ’em in my drawer for special kid occasions! I loved them when I was a kid, and they were such a rare item to come by then…
bold
italic
<u>underline</u>
<s>strikethrough</s>
hyperlink
Now is a great day to enjoy life. Do so. Liberally.
Seems to work for me (except for underline and strikethrough. Given strikethrough’s recent history, perhaps thats for the best). Both the dKos html (scoop) extension and the spellchecker do work tho.
(sorry, don’t have a joke, will this do?)
Booman Formatting extension: http://www.acromedia.com/dev/mozilla/
Post Spellhecker: http://wiki.ehow.com/Install-a-Spell-Checker-Into-Firefox
A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working.
“Madam,” said the sales manager, “the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!”
She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said, “Nelson.” The radio responded, “Ricky or Willie?” She was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that’s what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.
She was stopped at a traffic light enjoying “On The Road Again” when the light turned green and she pulled out. Suddenly an enormous sports utility vehicle coming from the street she was crossing sped toward her, obviously not paying attention to the light. She swerved and narrowly missed a collision.
“Idiot!” she yelled and, from the radio, “Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.”
An out-of-work gentlemen rings the doorbell of a house in a rather well-to-do neighborhood. When the homeowner answers the door, the gentlemen offers to do odd jobs around the house. The homeowner says, “Sure. You could paint my porch green.”
After a few hours, the doorbell rings again, and the homeowner opens the door to discover the gentleman with an empty bucket of green paint in his hand, standing on the still-white porch.
“I’m all done,” says the gentleman, “and by the way, that wasn’t a porch, it was a Mercedes.”
Cat Rules – How to Treat Owners
How Long Should You Keep Your Human?
You are only obligated to your human for one of your lives. The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do you expect? They’re humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will only take you so far.
For those that want to post pictures – Here are some simple(hopefully) instructions:
The easiest way to post a picture is to upload your picture to a site like Photo Bucket (you need to sign up for a free account) After you follow their instructions on uploading a picture, copy the Tag information:
Then paste it into the comment section:
In no time you’ll be the one eating up bandwidth and slowing down threads!
and you posted on of my favorite kitty pictures! So have another 4!
I love Mojo parties!
And yes – for newbies – etiquette lets you comment early and often in Mojo threads!
is the one i want. ooooh i want a sweet kitty just like that to rescue. of course – i’ll take any poor kitty that needs a home, but i want an orange one to name gambrinus (and call gamby).
I really like imageshack as a host. I don’t see so many bandwidth used up messages, and they automatically do a thumbnail for anything over xxx pixels.
I will soon be a cat mom (beware the pootie pics – they will be here soon after our move to the bucolic county of Trigg) they sent me a delightful joke about giving cats medicine. I post it here for your enjoyment:
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
Q: Why were women born without brains?
A: They didn’t have a penis to keep them in.
;0
That’s it, no pie for you tonight.
“Is that a thought you’re having, or are you just glad to see me?”
The future’s so bright!
Wilson Nails
A small nail manufacturer desired to expand his clientele and wanted to make a huge impact so he hired a big firm to make a commercial that was to air during the Superbowl. Because the firm was so well known the owner simply trusted that the commercial would be fabulous and focused on the Superbowl party he would have to celebrate. Superbowl Sunday came and his house was full of guests with champagne flowing. When his spot came up the entire house fell silent as they watched numerous T.V.’s positioned around the house. The screen was filled with a man clothed only in a loin cloth very sweaty and bloody. His hair was brown and long and clotted with blood and he appeared to be nailed to a cross and dead. Then a booming voice announced, “Wilson nails, when you want the job done right!”
Immediately some guests put down their glasses and began filing out completely disgusted, other guests began to follow suit because of the uneasiness hanging in the air. The party was a dismal failure!
He immediately phoned the firm extremely distressed and told them that many of his guests found the commercial very distressing and disgusting. They promised to create a new commercial and air it for free numerous times to repair the damage done to his reputation.
A month later he was told that the new commercial would be airing starting that weekend in a prime time slot. All alone and with a dry mouth he sat in front of the T.V. waiting for it to air.
When the commercial began what appeared to be two roman soldiers in a chariot filled the frame. The camera pulled back to show that one soldier was whipping the horse furiosly while the other took the reins. The camera pulled back further and a very sweaty man in a loin cloth was running as fast as he could ahead of the chariot. Then the roman soldier whipping the horse yelled to the roman soldier driving, “This would have never happened if you would have used Wilson nails!”
a real-life anecdote I remembered today (for what reason I haven’t figured out yet)
One of the reasons I have never been a big fan of fantasy, sci-fi, etc., is that I spent so much time in my life trying to get some “normal” creds. As a pathologically shy child & adolescent, I would “fantasize” being normal, having exchanges with people in a casual way, instead of my baseline anxious way.
Ok-there’s the background, and believe me, among my friends there are many jokes about excessive background info to any story I tell.
so one day, when I lived in Santa Barbara, I went to an early evening movie with a friend. I had such a history of being broke in SB, that affording a movie was a step up. I was also wearing this nice cotton outfit, which I purchased from one of SB’s snooty stores. On sale, natch. Miraculously, I had a pair of sandals purchased many years prior, that were perfect with the outfit.
so after the movie, in a wonderful balmy SB evening, I’m walking down the street, thinking–omigoddess–I finally kinda fit in here.
My friend walking along aside me asked me what I had on my ankles. Wha?
I had neglected to remove the bits of toilet paper I attached to the spots I nicked in shaving my legs and thus I had streaming toilet paper flowing from my ankles like Mercury’s wings.
boran!
Yeah, I’ve been over here for some time posting my crappy diaries. Welcome! I saw the exchange with Armando today, he really was a creep to you. But I’m glad to see you here and look forward to more of your clever comments. (you still owe me a manual on ovaries.)
I told you the cycles were monthly, and when you are feeling completely vicious, just wait five days.any conclusions that stick with you after that, run with them.
Rustic Shepherd: It’s my belief that these sheep are laborin’ under the misapprehension that they’re birds. Observe their be’avior. Take for a start the sheeps’ tendency to ‘op about the fields on their ‘ind legs. Now witness their attempts to fly from tree to tree. Notice that they do not so much fly as…plummet.
went into an antique store and noticed a bronze figure of a rat. He asked the owner the price of the rat, and the owner said $15.00 for the rat and $100.00 for the story behind the rat. the man gave him $15.00 and said no thanks, I’ll just take the bronze.
He left the store and as he walked down the street, rats began pouring out behind him, coming from alleys and cracks in the wall. alarmed, he began walking faster, as more and more rats appeared. finally he began running, with thousands of rats behind him. He came to the bay, threw the bronze rat in, and all the rats jumped into the bay and drowned.
He went back to the store and the owner said I knew you’d be back. Do you want the story now?
the man replied, no, I just wonder if you have a bronze republican?
Two atoms bump into each other.
“I think I’ve lost an electron!” says one.
“Are you sure?” replies the other.
“I’m positive!”
(This joke always slays me, but then I’m weird. Your mileage may vary. 🙂
Oh, Mary had a little lamb, regarding whose cuticular
The fluff exterior was white and kinked in each particular.
On each occasion when the lass was seen perambulating,
The little quadruped likewise was there a gallivating.
One day it did accompany her to the knowledge dispensary,
Which to every rule and precedent was recklessly contrary.
Immediately whereupon the pedagogue superior
Exasperated, did eject the lamb from the interior.
Then Mary, on beholding such performance arbitrary,
Suffused her eyes with saline drops from glands called lachrymary,
And all the pupils grew thereat tumultuously hilarious,
And speculated on the case with wild conjectures various.
“What makes the lamb love Mary so?” the scholars asked the teacher.
He paused a moment, then he tried to diagnose the creature.
“Oh, pecus amorem, Mary, habit omnia temporum.”
“Thanks, teacher dear,” the scholars cried, and awe crept darkly o’er ’em.
Various lists of faux-haiku go around the web from time to time. Here are a few selections from one I got the other day, on Zen Judaism (which sounds a lot to me like Jewish/Episcopalian/Catholic/Methodist/Whatever Mother Haiku):
Be here now.
Be someplace else later.
Is that so complicated?
*
Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.
*
There is no escaping karma.
In a previous life, you never called,
you never wrote, you never visited.
And whose fault was that?
*
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Forget this, and attaining Enlightenment
will be the least of your problems.
*
“Other than telling us how to live, think, marry, reproduce, pray, vote, invest, educate our children and, now, die, I think the Republicans have done a fine job of getting government out of our personal lives.”
Woman says to a man, do you smoke after sex? Man says, I don’t know I’ve never looked…
see last week I did the same joke, but this week I reversed the roles in recognition of fair play.
🙂
I work for a large and growing corporation. We are in the throws of an acquisition, and the resulting lay-offs. This one has been going around our company:
How do you get 20 corp. vice-presidents in a mini-van?
Promote one and watch the other 19 crawl up his ass.
True story.
Jim and I work with injured wildlife. Not all of our patients survive, and, to find out their cause of death we sometimes do necropsies (animal autopsies), and occasionally saving questionable body parts in our freezer for an opinion from our veterinarian.
Well, my husband loves ice-cream, and would usually buy a 1 gallon bucket of it at Costco for his own enjoyment. But our two teenage sons, more often than not, beat him to it, and frequently he’d find a near-empty container when he wanted to endulge.
So he came up with a good plan: he labelled the next ice cream container with a masking tape note: “PELICAN INTESTINES”. We were caring for many Brown pelicans at the time.
Certain that he would find plenty of ice cream in the bucket the next day, once again, the ice cream along with the label was gone.
At dinnertime, when we questioned our teenage sons, it turned out that our younger son had gone to get some ice-cream, saw the label, and figured he’d play a trick on his older brother by removing the label, surprising his brother with pelican intestines instead of ice-cream.
His brother instead, found plenty of ice cream and finished it off.
This is not a joke or a riddle; I really would like to know. Why is a dead animal a carcass, but a dead person is a corpse?
That’s a really good question. Never though about it. But here’s what Webster’s has to say about it.
Main Entry: corpse
Pronunciation: ‘korps
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English corps, from Middle French, from Latin corpus
1 obsolete : a human or animal body whether living or dead
2 a : a dead body especially of a human being b : the remains of something discarded or defunct <the corpses of rusting cars>
Main Entry: car·cass
Pronunciation: ‘kär-k&s
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English carcays, from Middle French carcasse, from Old French carcois
1 : a dead body : CORPSE; especially : the dressed body of a meat animal
2 : the living, material, or physical body
3 : the decaying or worthless remains of a structure <the carcass of an abandoned automobile>
4 : the underlying structure or frame of something (as of a piece of furniture)
Doesn’t really give a clear answer. I sure wouldn’t want to eat a carcass “the dressed body of a meat animal”
That’s a really good question. I’ve never asked it myself. But here’s what Merriam’s Dictionary says:
Main Entry: corpse
Pronunciation: korps
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English corps, from Middle French, from Latin corpus
1 obsolete : a human or animal body whether living or dead
2 a : a dead body especially of a human being b : the remains of something discarded or defunct <the corpses of rusting cars>
Main Entry: car·cass
Pronunciation: kär-k&s
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English carcays, from Middle French carcasse, from Old French carcois
1 : a dead body : CORPSE; especially : the dressed body of a meat animal
2 : the living, material, or physical body
3 : the decaying or worthless remains of a structure <the carcass of an abandoned automobile>
4 : the underlying structure or frame of something (as of a piece of furniture)
Doesn’t really clarify anything, does it? I sure don’t like the thought of eating carcass–“the dressed body of a meat animal”
Would you rather eat a corpse than a carcass? Thanks for looking this up. Did the definitions surprise you?
I agree with your suggestion that it’s the connotations that make the difference. Carcass conjures up a picture of connected bones without flesh. Like a roast turkey the day after Thanksgiving.
A corpse is an anonymous kind of thing; we would usually say dead body. A corpse is a dead person you don’t know.
In old Westerns, the bad guys would shoot up yer worthless carcass – meaning the body about to be dead.
Too much information, and I wish the thought hadn’t occurred to me either. Another reason to become a vegetarian.
like sex in a canoe?
They’re both fucking close to water.
Okay:
A bear walks into a bar for a beer. The bartender, not having seen a bear in his bar before, saunters over warily and asks the bear, “What’ll it be?” Whereupon the bear answers briefly, “A beer.” The bartender, thinking that a bear doesn’t know what a beer’s worth, brings the beer to the bear and says, “That’ll be twenty bucks,” whereupon the bear produces a brand new bill of twenty dollars and slaps it down on the bar.
After a while, with the bear sipping his beer with nary a burp, the bartener saunters back over to the bear and says, “Say, y’know, we don’t get too many bears in here…”
To which the bear answers, “Yeah. And at twenty bucks a pop, you’re not going to get too many more.”
Badda-bum. I’m here all week. Try the meatloaf.
Q: What’s the difference between John Ashcroft and Mullah Omar?
A: John Ashcroft can go fly a kite.
Q: Why did John Ashcroft hide the Justice statue behind a curtain?
A: He couldn’t find a Burkah in her size.
Q: How many Operation Iraqi Freedom GI’s does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: We’re not prepared to discuss specific numbers at this juncture.
Senator Clinton is working on a new book, on energy policy. Working title: “It Takes a Village to Change a Lightbulb.”
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not
belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, “it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct…leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a Divine Being, which explains why last night Teresa kept shouting, “Oh my God.”
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY “A”
Heh – this reminds me of a joke I heard from a philosophy professor when I was at Gonzaga:
A professor handed out an exam for a Metaphysics final. There was an empty chair sitting in front of the classroom, and the question on the test was: “Explain the existence of this chair”.
One student stood up after about 2 minutes, handed in his test paper, and walked out.
The professor looked at the answer he wrote down:
“WHAT chair?”
Two [insert group to insult here (I always choose “AC-DC fans”, for no good reason) (winky emoticon here)] were taking an intelligence test. Suddenly, the first one is stumped:
“Oh, wow, Man… This one is really hard. Uh…’Old MacDonald had a blank.’ Wow, Man, what’d Old MacDonald have?”
The second one is more sure of himself:
“Dude. You are such a moron. ‘Old MacDonald had a farm!'”
“Oh, wow, Man. You’re right… ‘Old MacDonald had a…’ Oh, wow, Man. Like… How do you spell ‘farm‘?”
.
.
.
.
.
“Dude. I can’t believe how stupid you are: ‘E I E I O!‘”
An elderly woman climbs onto the bus and looks for a seat. Seeing no open spot, she approaches a teenage girl and says, “If you knew what I had, you’d offer me your seat.” The girl’s taken aback, but she figures she’ll do the right thing, and she gives up her seat. The bus is sweltering in the midsummer heat, and the person next to the old lady has a little battery-operated fan. The old woman looks at him and says, “Oh, if you knew what I had, you’d let me borrow your fan.” The man isn’t sure what to make of that, but gives her the fan. A few blocks later, the woman approaches the bus driver and asks him to stop. “Lady, I can’t stop until my next scheduled stop. You can get off there, it’s just a few more blocks.” “Oh,” she says, “if you knew what I had, you’d let me off here.” The bus driver’d seen her get the seat and the fan, and figures he should accommodate her. He stops the bus. The woman gets of the bus and the bus driver shouts after her, “Hey lady, what exactly is it you have, anyway?” She turns back and shouts: “Chutzpah!”
I’m probably one of the only females who thinks lizards rock; particularly Bearded Dragons.
Here’s “Beardie” (don’t laugh – the kids insisted on the ‘very original’ name!! heh:
I have a ferret too
He pooped at least 5 times the first day we brought him home so I started calling him Mr. Pooper and the name stuck. We sent in the regisrtation card with his name but the papers came back ‘Mr. Ferret’. Some people have no sense of humor.
Here are my chicks:
What in the hell IS that?!?
African pygmy hedgehog is my guess (we had one once).
read a great novel where a fruitbat plays a supporting role.
Not to be confused with Eric the Fruitbat.
Spiny Norman’s baby pic!
Is that a baby possum? Adorable little toes.
so cute…
Is it a Brillo pad?
new users so far today.
I just spent 10 minutes handing out 4’s to all the comments on this thread…Is there a way to do it where you don’t have to go through every comment? Is there a way to slam everyone on a thread with 4’s with one push of the button? Just wondering, for the next mojo fest…my wrist hurts..but it was worth it. This joint is JUMPIN..I am lovin it. I am sure you are too. Congrats my friend.
All Together Now!
(Ribbit, Ribbit, Ribbit)
All Together Now!
(Ribbit, Ribbit, Ribbit)
All Together Now!
(Ribbit, Ribbit, Ribbit)
All To-Ge-Ther NOW!
(Ribbit)
___________________
Why did they stop the leper hockey game?
There was a face-off in the corner.
The Horse Slaughter bill passed! THANKS everyone for your help.
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, because the light bulb contains within itself the seeds of its own revolution.
“Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.”
“Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.”
“The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean in this century’s history. But we all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century.”
“I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy — but that could change.”
“One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is ‘to be prepared’.”
Funny, yes. Sad, yes. Oh, that line is so thin sometimes…
I’ll add some of my favorites to the list:
“See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda.”–Greece, N.Y., May 24, 2005
“I want to thank my friend, Sen. Bill Frist, for joining us today. … He married a Texas girl, I want you to know. (Laughter.) Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me.”–Nashville, Tenn., May 27, 2004
“I’m honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein.”–Washington, D.C., May 25, 2004
“Just remember it’s the birds that’s supposed to suffer, not the hunter.”–Advising quail hunter and New Mexico Sen. Pete Domenici, Roswell, N.M., Jan. 22, 2004
“First, let me make it very clear, poor people aren’t necessarily killers. Just because you happen to be not rich doesn’t mean you’re willing to kill.”–Washington, D.C., May 19, 2003
“Do you have blacks, too?”–To Brazilian President Fernando Cardoso, Washington, D.C., Nov. 8, 2001
“I always jest to people, the Oval Office is the kind of place where people stand outside, they’re getting ready to come in and tell me what for, and they walk in and get overwhelmed in the atmosphere, and they say, man, you’re looking pretty.” –George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Nov. 4, 2004
Late to the party as usual, 🙁
Last I saw it was over 1300. Wowzee, can’t quite believe it.
Have no joke to add and don’t need mojo but just wanted to ask.
You can see it in the number of comments per diary. For a while there, it was just a handful, 7 maybe, or 10. Then the numbers moved up into the teens and 20s. Now there are diaries with comments in multiples of hundreds.
Since I don’t really understand the mechanism, not sure how to pass it out wholesale. 🙂
about how kids. His, to be exact. 4 in 5 years.
“So the first year I went to Chicago on vacation and my wife got pregnant.
“Cool”, sez I.
“Then. The second year, I went to New York for vacation, and she got pregnant again.
“Pretty neat”, sez I.
“The next year I took vacation in LA and, sure enough, the wife got pregnant again.”
“Sounds like a good vacation”, sez I.
“Then, last year, I went to Jamaica on vacation, and it happened again! It’s just too much!”
“So”, sez I, “how are you going to keep this from happening again?”
“Well, for one thing,” he replied, “I’m taking the wife with me next time.”
lie on his back and wave his feet in the air?
……..to trip birds.
that joke cracked me up when I was 5
What a great idea — a mojo thread!!!
Hey, I thought up a line today.
I have a photogenic memory. I never forget a pretty face.
This seems appropriate in the spirit of the gender skirmishing that’s been going on. The friend who sent me this had a husband who behaved very much like the one in the joke. She wishes she’d known about the joke much earlier:
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home…
…including the curtain rods.
This article made me laugh until I cried. I was at work, so that was kind of a problem!
Dirty Litter Secret: Me against the cat pee
Also, one of our cats demonstrates the jaws of life here
Honest to god I thought that was a tiger. I went back to your note and sure enough you had written, “one of our cats.” I went back to the photo to see the Bengal tiger on your couch. It took some looking to realize it was a house cat.
Okay, it’s late.
I lolled at that article! The mukluks, Rottweilers, and Iraqi dictators esp. got to me. I have two cats and two dogs, myself, so it was painfully funny.
Thank you!
Iagan is a big boy, with a big personality. I think he firmly believes that he’s a tiger!
I am not going to argue with him.
We don’t argue with him either… 🙂
Me too, but I’ve had a pretty outstanding day anyway. Got an offer of a new job (unexpected) and so, after 16 years of working for an absolute whackjob, will be leaving my law firm for greener pastures! Mojo for me!!!!
I don’t know who else is still up, but let me be the first to pop the champagne. What great news!
Cheers and a 4 for leaving your psychoboss!
– Steven Wright
Jesus: “Get behind me, Satan!”
Satan: “Got your back, dude.”
But movie buffs should recognize it:
Three tomatoes are walking down the street
Poppa tomato, Momma tomato, and little baby tomato.
The baby tomato is lagging behind poppa and momma tomato.
Poppa tomato gets mad, goes over to baby tomato and stamps on him —
— and says: catch up. !
A women enters a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, she notices a very life-like, bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but it is so striking she decides she must have it. She takes it over to the owner:
“How much is the bronze rat?”
“Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollars for the story,” says the owner.
The woman gives the proprietor $12, saying “I’ll just take the rat. You can keep the story.”
As she walks down the street carrying her new bronze rat, she notices that a few real rats have crawled out of alleys and sewers and begun following her down the street. This is a bit disconcerting, so she starts walking faster.
Within a couple of blocks, the group of rats behind her grows to over a hundred. They begin squealing. She starts to trot towards the Bay. She nervously looks back and sees that the rat horde now numbers in the thousands, maybe in the millions, and they are all squeaking and chittering and coming towards her faster and faster.
Terrified, she runs to the water’s edge and throws the bronze rat as far out into the Bay as she can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay right after the statue, and are all drowned.
Exhausted, the women walks back to the curio shop.
“Aha!” says the owner. “You’ve come back for the story.”
“Actually, no,” says the woman. “I came back to see if you had a bronze Republican.”
This was shared with me by a Reagan Dem Vietnam Vet marine who I feel privileged to call a friend. It (imho) portrays Bunnypants in a more respectful manner than most are accustomed here …
MODERN DAY ABBOTT & COSTELLO
Who’s On First for the Next Generation!
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That’s what I want to know.
Condi: That’s what I’m telling you.
George: That’s what I’m asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow’s name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The main man in China!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya’ asking me for?
Condi: I’m telling you, Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I’m asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That’s the man’s name.
George: That’s who’s name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he’s dead in the Middle East.
Condi: That’s correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don’t want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone
the first “post” page hung forever, so I closed the browser and re-entered. But my post didn’t show up, so I re-posted.
kidding. i’m kidding, have some mojo!