[Note: this began as a comment to Scribe’s excellent Gender and power diary. It grew too big, hence my first post-DailyPie diary:]
Race and power. That was the first {‘X’ + Power = Fucked-up} equation I experienced on a personal level. It was an unexpected and extremely uncomfortable time, but I emerged with an understanding that couldn’t have happened if the women I encountered had responded “nicely” to sweet white liberal fuckheaded me.
I was a left-wing radical lesbian (because in those days one didn’t sleep with the enemy) feminist; white? yes; upper-middle-class? yes, but like so many others in the late 70’s to early 80’s, I assumed that downward mobility was all I needed to claim membership in the working class.
Like many of the cocky (pun intended) people at DailyPies, I was young, brilliant, and educated, and I thought my intentions were every bit as worthy as my words and deeds. I probably thought I was god’s-gift-to-the-oppressed-and-downtrodden, to be honest, and I sure as hell knew how to speak truth to power. What I didn’t realize until much later is that I had absolutely no idea how to interact with the powerless in any context other than ‘helping’ them.
I think I get a pretty accurate glimpse of how arrogant, ignorant, offensive, and damaging-to-the-overall-cause I was when I look at the recent behavior of Mr. MyPie himself.
Fortunately for me, women in the local Women of Color Collective saw right through my ignorance and called me on it. It turned out my intentions weren’t enough to win their gratitude(!), but they shared their wisdom with me nonetheless. Here is what I learned. I carry it with me to this day as a gift, given by amazing, wise, and kind-enough-to-kick-my-butt women. It plugs into every {X + Power = Fucked-up} equation I have ever encountered:
“Don’t EVER ask the oppressed to educate the oppressor. That is Off Our Backs! You want to know what we find offensive about your (fill in the blank: attitude, remarks, policy, pie ad, etc…)? Go educate yourself! Read what our (race, sexuality, class, gender) has written. Form a study group with other oppressors. You say your intentions aren’t oppressive so why don’t we give you a pass? You say you didn’t mean to provoke an angry response, so couldn’t we just lighten up? You ask, ‘aren’t we all really on the same side? Shouldn’t we stay focused on the bigger [hence more important] fight for (fill in the larger cause: women’s rights, democracy, economic justice)?’
“Nice try. Of course we have to fight for (blank). BUT. Listen. This is PART OF the fight for (blank). How? Come closer. If we’re going to fight it together you need to hear this and hear it good, and you need to understand it and teach the others to understand it and if they screw up it needs to be YOU who calls them on it BECAUSE we can’t go into battle with you if we have to watch our backs:
“If a Black woman tells you she’s offended, you HAVE TO BELIEVE HER. Are you a Black woman? No. YOU will NEVER be a Black woman, therefore YOU will NEVER be in a POSITION to ASSESS the RIGHTEOUSNESS or LEGITIMACY of her RESPONSE to you. Never. Period.
“You only get further into the oppressor’s role by insisting the offended person explain what was offensive and why. Get off our backs! The information that offense has been taken is ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW FROM US. To demand an explanation just makes it that much clearer you hold yourself out as the arbiter another person’s experience, an experience that by definition you will never have.
“That’s like saying, ‘yeah, i kicked you, but i don’t see a bruise so you must be over sensitive. if you want me to stop kicking you you’ll have to bring me a goddamned x-ray. y’know, you’re really starting to piss me off with all this moaning and carrying on. cantcha just shut up about this supposed pain? you – YOU – are hurting the larger cause by being such a big baby. buck up and stop whining. Have some PIE, for cryin’ out loud.'”
This is the first time I have ever heard someone who is not Black that actually “gets it” and not just paying lipservice.
Your simplicity is the best part.
Form a study group with other oppressors.
This is why I worship Dean… his phrase is “White people need to other white people about racism”
it actually hostile isn’t it? It is a way of discounting and trivializing the complaint and the person making it.
Really, how many explanations does an intelligent person need?
I heard a great line once…
Does an orange have to explain to you why it is orange?
There are too many profound one-liners in here for me to quote every one that evoked a ‘Yah!!’ from me. Thanks.
Great rant! If I thought DK represented the Democratic party I’d be registered as an independent by now.
[Forgive me, I’m having a slow day at work doing a VERY tedious task. I need frequent breaks!]
If I understand your point in a nutshell: “…because I said so” is the answer to ALL perceived insults and slights? I learned that from a Black woman also; my mother. That worked as a 9, 10, and 11-year old. It doesn’t work now!
Give me an f-ing break!
I don’t mean to hold myself up as an arbiter of what is/is not offensive to any man/woman/intersex/child/dog/whatever…. but, if you can’t EXPLAIN why I have offended you, how do you ever expect me to change/be different/learn from the experience? The advice to read from {I’d tell you but then I’d have to kill you so figure it out for yourself} is ALSO not helpful. What if I happened across a book by Mrs. Rogers-Brown, who may (and likely does) have a very different perspective about what it means to be African-American and female?
The answer to perceived slights/injuries/racism/etc is not to go silent. (Didn’t ACT-UP teach us about the power of speech during the 80s?) The answer is dialogue and communication.
SO, if I’ve offended you and you don’t want to explain what i did that was so offensive… In the words of that very powerful Black woman who reared me: “Kiss my black ass!”
No I don’t think that is what is said. It was the dismissing of a point of view just because it is not your own.
Frankly I think this diary is right on target.
Sometimes I think that people can’t see racism unless there is a man in a sheet, burning a cross standing in their face.
I once had a boss who was making obscene phone calls to me in the middle of the night using sexual and racial slurs. I told my librul female friends that it was a racist attack and their IMMEDIATE response was “oh no, that isn’t racism”… oh really and how would you know???
That is what I think that this diarist is saying… if some one tells you they think something is racist shut up and listen first… ask questions if you must but to dismiss a point of view is what keeps racism alive and well and living in the USA.
I remember after several tries of trying to explain… I just gave up… but I also distance myself from them too.