I have noticed a particularly offensive commercial on TV today. Guy makes some smart ass comment to his wife/girlfriend and there is this very loud sound of a slap. Now, if it was the other way around and the man slapped the woman, he’d find his butt in jail for domestic violence so fast it would make your head swim. Technically, it is just as much domestic violence for a woman to strike a man, but very few men pick up the phone and call the police. Perhaps it’s a macho thing. The dangerous message that this commercial sends is that it is okay for a woman to strike a man.
Under the law it is not okay for a man to slap a woman back just because she slapped him first. It is not self-defense, and the man is expected to retreat. Otherwise, he will find himself charged with domestic violence. Now, I don’t think anyone should be slapping anyone, but if someone slapped me in the face, I don’t know that I would be able to retreat.
Have you ever been in a complete and total rage? The kind of rage where all reason flees and you just “go for it?” I am a 5’2,” 108 pound woman, but on those few occasions when I have experienced that kind of rage, I’d take on Mike Tyson without hesitation.
Would it surprise you to know that some women are abusers and strike their partner on a regular basis? He is always expected to retreat, and when he doesn’t it is he that is prosecuted not her. This recently happened to a friend of mine, and as much as I wish that he had just turned about and walked out the door, he didn’t, and I can understand why he didn’t. I think there are very few of us that can react calmly and retreat when we are struck in the face.
I have never slapped anyone in the face, nor do I recall anyone ever slapping me in the face. I did throw my cat’s scratching post at my boyfriend once, and he side stepped it and the damn thing went right through my very large window – which cost me more than a few bucks to replace.
I’ve seen that commercial too and I find it disturbing – no matter which gender is doing the slapping. I made a pledge to myself to write to the company the next time I see it because I can’t remember which one is running it. I think it’s for fast food (?)
Regarding this comment:
Under the law it is not okay for a man to slap a woman back just because she slapped him first. It is not self-defense, and the man is expected to retreat. Otherwise, he will find himself charged with domestic violence.
Which law is that? Where? And, if he is charged with domestic violence, she ought to be charged as well.
I haven’t seen it but hope one of us does, and can find out the e-mail contact info for the company.
SusanHu: I will watch for it. It was on the LIFE channel which I actually have on in the background now.
catnip: Yes I also heard that ad several times today on LIFE. I was fairly oblivously to it insofar as what the ad was about.
The law I am taking about is California law. It seems as though the first person who files is the rule. Traditionally, men do not file first. Women file first.
Unfortunately in CA, whomever files first rules. Traditonally, a woman files first, and it is not a defense for man that she hit him first.
That law hardly seems fair!
catnip: The man that I work for was married less than 6 months ago. The woman he married has slapped him in the face many times. He is 6’2″ she is about 5’6′. Of course he never reported it to the police dpet. Last week she slapped him again. He slapped her back. He was arrested and charged with domestic violence.
Men in those situations need to seek help. It took a long time for women to come forward and many men are finally realizing that they must get help if they’re being abused too – but it’s not happening quickly enough for some. I know that my city advertises a men’s help line, but even that is just usually run after midnight on TV. An abused person is an abused person – period.
In answer to catnip’s post “Under the law it is not okay for a man to slap a woman back just because she slapped him first. It is not self-defense, and the man is expected to retreat. Otherwise, he will find himself charged with domestic violence.”
It basically is the last “hit” that counts, or who calls the police. My male friend was slapped in the face by his wife. He slapped her back. She called the police, he was arrested. This is California.
Even “The Law” aside, its an honor issue. You don’t hit someone that is taught from a very young age not to hit you.
The ad is for Sonic Hamburgers. Also, I should note that there are two versions of the ad running: one implies that she slaps him, and the other implies that he slaps her. I find both to be offensive.
Bummer. Sonic is 100% blue according to BuyBlue.org. Dare we hope that this might make them more receptive to complaints?
Damned straight! (That both are offensive, I mean. Haven’t seen either. Don’t watch TV, live in Europe etc.)
I have a young relative – he’ll be four or five by now – who is constantly being subjected to subtle and not so subtle brain washing by kind and well-meaning relatives. It’s always rough-and-tumble play, “who’s my tough guy, huh!”, “wanna fight?” and so on.
If he ever gets slapped by a woman, that kid isn’t even going to know that “ask for help” is an option. He’ll either hit back, or more likely just stand there, hurt, frightened and confused.
(During my year in the US – at the start of the Clinton era – the most offensive thing Sonic put on the air was Frankie Avalon.
Even in those days I think there were whole TV shows dedicated to “Kicked in the Groin” humour.)
nadia, i think you are brave to admit your own human capacity for violence.
i have not seen the ad. all intimate partner violence is offensive and illegal. period. it doesn’t matter whether its a hetero couple and the man hits the woman or the woman hits the man. it doesn’t matter if its a gay or lesbian couple and the violence is committed against a partner of the same sex.
california law as written is gender neutral. The California Penal Code defines abuse as “intentionally or recklessly causing or attempting to cause bodily injury, or placing another person in reasonable apprehension of imminent, serious bodily injury to himself, herself or another.”
it is extremely common, when police respond to a domestic violence complaint, for both parties to claim they are the victim and that the other person started it. the police struggle in those situations to determine the truth of what happened. very often, they consider such factors as which party was more injured, the varying versions of the story, the intoxication level of the participants, and evidence at the scene that may indicate how the struggle occurred. it is against police policy and against the law for responding officers to presume who the victim is based on gender or based on who called the police first.
the general principle of self defense is also gender neutral. all people, regardless of sex, are expected to retreat whenever possible from a violent situation. if you are unable to retreat, you may use only as much force as is necessary to allow you to retreat safely. if you use more force than is necessary, you are likely to be charged with assault, and it will be a matter for a jury to decide whether you should be convicted.
it is true men are often reluctant to report to police that they are victims of partner abuse. hetero men often feel a certain stigma or shame about being called “pussy whipped.” gay men often worry that the police are not interested in dealing with gay relationships. with hetero men, one measure of manhood in our society is being stronger than a woman, being more powerful than a woman, being more likely to be the perpetrator than the victim of violence involving women. the shame men feel is a direct result of internalized and external sexist expectations that they should be able to prevail in fight with a woman.
that said, women have their own cultural and personal reasons for not reporting partner abuse. the vast majority of rapes and assaults against women still go unreported.
here are some california statistics about domestic violence:
in 2003, there were 182 domestic violence murders in California. 151 women were killed by male partners or ex-partners, 27 men were killed by female partners or ex-partners. the most common type of weapon used was a handgun (52% of cases)
(http://safestate.org/index.cfm?navID=43)
Each year, nearly 6 percent of adult California women,
more than 620,000, experience some form of physical
violence perpetrated by their intimate partner.http://safestate.org/shop/files/DV_Handbook.pdf
Annually, more than 250,000 california women are victims of serious violence, with the potential for serious injury or death. http://safestate.org/shop/files/DV_Handbook.pdf
It is estimated that 25,000 or more women each year in
California seek emergency department care for their
intimate partner physical violence injuries.
http://safestate.org/shop/files/DV_Handbook.pdf
California law enforcement received 194,288 domestic violence calls in 2003 — 106,731 involved weapons, including firearms and knives.
(http://safestate.org/index.cfm?navID=43)
nationwide, a recent justice department study looking at both reported and unreported domestic violence incidents found that family violence accounted for 11 percent of all violent crime between 1998 and 2002. Family violence made up nearly 33 percent of all police-recorded violence during that time. Almost half of the 3.5 million victims of family violence between 1998 and 2002 were spouses; 73 percent of victims were female; 74 percent were white; most were ages 25 to 54. as for offenders, 75 percent were male; 79 percent were white; most were at least 30.
(http://www.startribune.com/stories/484/5453406.html)
“Nearly one in every three adult women experiences at least one physical assault by a partner during adulthood. Approximately four million American women experience a serious assault by an intimate partner during a 12-month period.” http://www.therapistfinder.net/Domestic-Violence/Domestic-Violence-Statistics.html
if you, or anyone you know is the victim of intimate partner violence, your local domestic violence awareness project is there for you, regardless of the sex or sexual orientation of the victim or perpetrator. they can provide everything from phone support, to housing and shelter assistance, to legal assistance and support groups.
you can find all the california domestic violence projects here: http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/states/ca.shtml
nationwide, call: 1-800-799-7233
for a list of all statewide dv coalitions, go here:
http://www.ncadv.org/resources/StateCoalitionList_73.html
if you, or anyone you know, is seeking to end their violent and abusive behaviors, contact the nationwide hotline (1-800-799-7233) for the location of the nearest batterer intervention program.