So what does sleep have to do with raising a profoundly gifted child?
Take trip through cinematic history with me, back to a Cary Grant Film called I Was A Male War Bride. In this farce, the lead character couldn’t find a place to bunk because her didn’t fit the authorized profile of a war bride- female. All the paperwork was designed for females, asked personal questions for females and- here’s where we fit in- he didn’t fit their red tape and so he didn’t really exist. It was beyond their duty to help him, so each clerk shuffled him along while stating “I know. But you can’t sleep here.”
Follow me beneath the fold. (I promise to put funny anecdotes at the end!)
We first got the clue that we didn’t belong when she was 2 and we joined playgroups, which moms are told are essential for socializing their kids. One of the fun things about this for parents is the chance to talk to another adult. They would usually talk about baby milestones and tell anecdotes. Notice I said “they” because I quickly realized that I wasn’t allowed to celebrate my daughter’s accomplishments in the same way. They saw her reading, listened to her speak and felt that they were bad parents because their beloved child wasn’t doing these things. I usually got 2 reactions. The first would be requests for teaching materials, the second a slur about pushy moms. Time to move on.
Look! Preschool! That has got to welcome her. Why I saw the room was filled with shelves full of activities. Oh, she’s too young? But she’s reading… I see. She needs to socialize with her peers. Fine. Put us in the toddler class and we’ll wait.
You get the idea by now, but it continued for her for years. In elementary school we were told to just not give her any work and see what she does with her time (and my $4,000 of tuition!) One psychologist did the numbers for us- 1 in a million, which means that a teacher would encounter one child like this in 6,666 years of teaching- if this teacher taught 150 students each year.
This last spring we met with the local high school principal who completely agreed that her academic needs were at that level (if not beyond) but because she is 9- she can’t go there. So I’m forced to homeschool, which has been wonderful for the family, but when I try to get lab equipment from the school district I’m told that “lack of science equipment is one of the things you have to put up with when you choose to homeschool.”
As you know from my last diary, things are going quite well now. We’ve created a safe space for her to thrive- and she can sleep here.
And since I promised you stories, here they are.
Once when she was five, she sat in the back of the car doing what kids of that age do when they are bored and have only fingers and nostrils to amuse themselves. I caught a glimpse in the mirror and did what moms do in such circumstances; say boogers are gross, dirty and not food. Her counterargument?
- Nasal mucous is meant to catch pathogens that would normally make us ill.
- Vaccines make antibodies by introducing the pathogen in a safer way.
- Ingesting these pathogens is actually a smart way to protect yourself against getting ill.
You want another?
My daughter has always been interested in babies. She devoured books on child development, focusing on the blastula and gastrula stages with great interest. Since we wanted her sex education to be gentle and introduced casually we got a book that spoke about what happens when mom and dad feel loving… and I left it around for her to find.
She glommed onto it immediately, and I braced myself in the kitchen for THE INEVITABLE QUESTION of how the sperm get in mommy.
She came out and said “Mom, I have a question about what I read in this book.” More bracing on my part. “Yes, honey?”
“How does the matrix of the egg change so quickly that only 1 sperm gets in?”
I’ll check in as the household life permits!
Having once been a teenage science geek, you might check out the following sources of lab equipment for home schoolers, experimenters, etc. that I found useful “back in the day” when you had to get catalogs by US Mail:
1) Edmund Scientific
I grew up in Philly and used to go over to their store in Barrington, NJ with my geeky friends when we were building telescopes, needed lab glassware, and other pursuits incomprehensible to our parents.
2) Carolina Biological
This is where to go if your young’un wants to do recombinant DNA in the basement.
Excellent resources- many thanks.
I would be delighted to have your magazines. They are one of the best resources around- topical and interesting- and since we are on a single income we can’t afford them. I have a firend who gives us copies of Archaeology Today and bunches of others. The look on her face when she gets a new batch is priceless.
(I’ll mail you tonight when I’m unsupervised!)
Try Homesciencetools.com as well. They carry “God’s Design”/ID curriculum to satisfy the fundy crowd, but I’ve been happy with what we’ve ordered. Now that I look at the catalog, there’s a lot more non-science “science” curriculum than I thought. Yuck.
Thankfully we are the only school district in Maine with a “gifted” program. As the schools are quite proud of their program they make sure it’s always funded and the kids do get extras.
We are also considering boarding school. Since we live in a rural area that may be the best choice for my bright child. I’m just chafing at sending a 13 y.o. off to live somewhere else.
Good luck!
We have about two years’ worth of Science News magazine which we would also be happy to send you. If you would like these as well, email me your address and we’ll send them off to you.
My husband who is a 6th grade teacher says if you have access to a pond, that is one of the best science lab resources you could want because everything in nature goes on in a pond (physics, chemistry, biology). The idea is to let her keep track of her observations about the pond, then develop questions based on those observation, and then research the answers to her questions.
He also suggests that if there is a children’s museum nearby, you may be able to get free access to science resources there.
She sounds like a fantastic kid, and I think it sounds like you are more than up to the challenges that come along with raising someone who is brilliant.
My son is fascinated by the human body; one of his favorite bedtime books has been the DK illustrated medical encyclopedia since he was about 7. One time, the school guidance counselor called me (she was conerned) because he was talking about how he wished his dad wouldn’t smoke, because it was paralyzing his cilia and then his lungs wouldn’t be able to clear the smoke particles out…
Keep telling us the stories, they’re great.
What a hoot! He might enjoy a book called Brain Surgery For Beginners. Isn’t it funny when the schools ar econcerned because our kids know too much?
Oh- if you live near a college you might want to go to the bookstore and check out the college coloring books. Yes, they really have them and they come in great flavors- like Evolution, Anatomy, Botany etc.
I like your son already!
I’ll have to check out the coloring books the next time I’m down at school!
Even more of a hoot was when he explained (accurately!) to his older brother and I how viagra affects penile blood flow. “How did you know that?”, I asked.
“I just figured it out,” he said.
Kids are amazing sometimes, huh?
WAY TO GO! KEEP IT UP! As one of those “one in a million” kids thirty years ago, I applaud you. I was never welcomed by most of my teachers. When they realized I had much more native intelligence than they did they became defensive and even vindictive. Protect and nurture your special child – it is incredibly important for you to continue your good work on behalf of your child. “Socialization” for such a child is severely over-rated. The results of my “socialization” with my age peers was bad. Because they could not keep up with me in finding good things to do I was distracted into doing bad things with them, and even got arrested as a juvenile delinquent when “socializing” with my age peers. For these children, socialization will not happen according to conventional wisdom, just like their academic training will not happen according to conventional wisdom. This child will benefit more from interaction with caring adults who can accept her/him than with “peers” who are not really peers.
Hi, Blueneck. Did you ever, as a child or young person, meet somebody like yourself? From what you wrote above, it sounds as if not? I would think that if you had,that would have been a glorious moment for both of you, a kind of exciting, fall-on-each-other’s-necks-weeping kind of moment.
Well, I did have some friends who were “like me” in some ways, but I mostly spent my time with friends who were 7 to 10 years older than me – once I figured out how bad my “age peers” were for me. To this day, I have no good friends from high school or earlier who were my “age peers”.
I didn’t really find a real friend who was my “age peer” until I got to college – where the Ivy League admissions process worked its will on the populace and managed to help me find a few who were really “like” me. The problem there was entirely different though, in that I was not a member of the privileged class that routinely gets into the Ivy League schools.
I was born and raised in Mississippi, no bastion of intellectualism, so I was mostly alone among my age group. I still live here, but I’ve managed to find bright, informed, and caring people of all ages for my companionship. One interesting thing about being here in Mississippi is that the few of us do cling together and create a sense of community amongst ourselves that is simply incredible. The number and quality of talented and gifted people here would floor anyone whose only concept of Mississippi is based on the stereotypes.
I try very hard to support any precocious children and young adults that I meet here, and I consider it a privilege if I can, from time to time, help one of them.
Wow! What a long, lonely haul for you. It really is amazing how neglected brains find ways to amuse themselves.
You are spot on about adults being more of a peer group. We have arranged that through a group of lady horse-people, because gender also plays a large part. The rise in her self esteem is glorious.
I wish I had known you as a kid.
I wish I had known you as well, and I’d love to meet any child or the parent of a child who finds themselves in this blessed predicament. I don’t often comment on my childhood to “strangers”, because my comments could be interpreted as self-aggrandizement. However, when I can encourage someone else I consider it an honor to reveal myself.
It sounds like you are on the right track with your child… I wish you both the best!
So when you homeschool there are a certain number of hoops to jump through. One of them is testing to make sure you are keeping them at grade level. This is good for most, but doesn’t work for her because they insist on using the age based test. This means she gets a glimpse of how “out there” she is, and her self-worth takes a serious hit.
I thought I hit on a way around it, since the school gets to pick which grade someone is in. I just automatically skipped her up to a senior, and have her signed up for the ACT in spring. Nope. She still has to test as a 9 year old.
So, I wondered, how long does this go on? Will I still have to do this when she is in college?
Ayup. The earliest she could get out of this is if she takes the GED- which you can’t do until she is 16.
So we are in a position where she could be in graduate school and still having to take school age tests.
I’d suggest she read Catch-22 to see the parallels with her situation, but emotionally you might not want to expose her to that yet. Maybe Dilbert…
Which raises an interesting point – How do you raise someone that intelligent and not have them turn out cynical about the society of fools they’re trapped in?
That, to me, would seem the hardest part of all. Maybe you inculcate a sense of nobless oblige in them?
“You have this gift; you need to use it to help the less intelligent.”
Growing up, I always heard “It must be wonderful to be so smart.” One day I sat my mother down and explained to her that no, it’s a painful burden. And I’m not near at your daughter’s level. Eventually, though, I came to peace with it and take myself as who I am.
She has such a strong sense of justice that I can’t see laying responsibility for humanity at her feet. No child should have to bear that burden, as you mentioned above!
She worked hard to help elect Salazar, and when he turned around to endorse a torturer she was inconsolable. She felt that she had some moral culpability for his actions.
I’m glad to hear you’ve made peace. That is what I wish for her above all else.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again–I just adore your daughter!
Given her wonderful chain of logic in the “booger” context, she would be an amazing lawyer. Unfortunately, it would break her heart to find out how little the practice of law has to do with the practice of justice.
I stand in awe of her potential, and I salute all that you’re doing to help her reach it.
to more of these diaries.
I was gifted, too, but definitely not to the extent of your daughter. I was reading at age 2-1/2 (as did my spouse; perhaps we sensed the camraderie?), and wound up in some advanced classes later on, but I often wonder what might have been if I’d been less concerned with peer acceptance and not brought myself down to their level, especially when it came to math.
I remember in a previous diary, someone mentioned “Harrison Bergeron” (I probably got the name wrong), the brilliant short story from Kurt Vonnegut. There’s also a scene in A Wrinkle in Time, where the three children end up on a planet where no deviation from the norm is allowed. I worry that with this over-emphasis on measuring student worth by tests, that those beyond the norm are going to be lost in the cracks; how do you test creativity or dreams?
Best of luck to you and your dreamchild…
Sandblaster – have you hooked up with the EPGY Stanford program or John Hopkins?
My child is moderately gifted with a true math talent (I don’t know exactly where he falls on the scale because the only time we had the school system do an individual IQ, the tester hadn’t ever done one for a gifted kid and he topped out on many of the scales). My stories aren’t quite as interesting as yours, but education has been a battle since before kindergarten – when I explained to the teacher and principal at the intake session what he was doing at home, they asked if I had considered private school 😉
He’s been in and out of the public system, a great Montessori school for two and a half years, and after I had to pull him out of 7th grade a quarter of the way through because he was so bored with solid A+’s that he was sobbing upon awakening every morning, we decided to homeschool for 7th & 8th. It was an excellent decision.
Since he was in 3rd grade, he was doing EPGY Stanford. Great people, it was a lifesaver. He was doing Algebra 1 when he had just turned 10. But he wasn’t emotionally ready for the rigors of that course (it’s the same one that they use for their summer school at Stanford). So he was able to drop it and do a year and a half of C programming, then go back into it when he was ready. It’s all self paced – when he started at the end of 3rd grade, he did the entire 4th grade course in two summer months because he wanted to.
He has just finished his Freshman year at a private high school (no, we don’t have a lot of money, but get great financial aid). It was his decision to try this. He has an A average, and was able to fit back into a structure better than I thought he would. Still some problems, but manageable for now.
Oh – and the story that made the kindergarten teacher and principal ask if I’d considered private school – when he was just 4 he’d sit in the car and for amusement, generate times tables. Not the easy ones, mind you, the harder ones, like sevens.
Those are highly recommended programs with a great reputation among gifted folks. What a perfect find for your son. (I ache for kids who have no outlet.)
I’m just lucky enough to be married to a rocket scientist who turned high-school-teacher. He gives her math lessons at night, and I work with herr to do the homework during the day. That way she can go as fast as she wants, and my spouse can teach all the tricks that are left out of textbooks in order to make them fit a semester time frame.
Sounds like your son has the best possible advocate in you. I salute both of you!
You and she might enjoy the substance and love in this Poem. You might very well find googling Dr Dabrowski and reading some of the info about those with “Brilliant Minds.” (and note, there is no such diagnosis as ‘psychoneurotics. . .just a little play with words from Dabrowski) Here is one link Dabrowski’s Positive Disintegration
A poem by K. Dabrowski.
“Be greeted psychoneurotics!
For you see sensitivity in the insensitivity of the world,
uncertainty among the world’s certainties.
For you often feel others as you feel yourselves.
For you feel the anxiety of the world, and
its bottomless narrowness and self-assurance.
For your phobia of washing your hands from the dirt of the world,
for your fear of being locked in the world’s limitations.
for your fear of the absurdity of existence.
For your subtlety in not telling others what you see in them.
For your awkwardness in dealing with practical things, and
for your practicalness in dealing with unknown things,
for your transcendental realism and lack of everyday realism,
for your exclusiveness and fear of losing close friends,
for your creativity and ecstasy,
for your maladjustment to that “which is” and adjustment to that which “ought to be”,
for your great but unutilized abilities.
For the belated appreciation of the real value of your greatness
which never allows the appreciation of the greatness
of those who will come after you.
For your being treated instead of treating others,
for your heavenly power being forever pushed down by brutal force;
for that which is prescient, unsaid, infinite in you.
For the loneliness and strangeness of your ways.
Be greeted
(And I am forever indebted to Coleen=criscol for directing me to this information, cleared up a lot of unanswered questions in my life)
I’ve read and thoroughly enjoyed all the diaries I could find about your PG child, and haven’t found any mention of Mensa, the social organization for the top 2% in IQ. You may have already been told about them, or have been in contact with them. If not, they may be able to offer suggestions, support, and possibly peers for your daughter to meet.
Here is the website of the U.S. Mensa Organization.