Good morning friends & potential sugar daddies. My name is spiderleaf and I have just incorporated my own business to help out the poor, suffering folks at the Pentagon who just can’t seem to find anyone to train carrier pigeons in Iraq. This is an on-going strategic concern for CENTCOM and as such I felt it necessary to step up to the plate and be a true patriot.
{flip with me}
Gentlemen, your problems are solved. Spiderleaf & associates is ready, willing and able to assist with the training and the handling of the state of the art fleet of carrier pigeons the Army is proposing to deploy in Iraq.
We strongly believe in the program and we see the long-term strategic value of utilizing such a noble bird as the carrier pigeon in the fight for freedom & against the barbarians at the gate.
Further to this sincere appreciation for the mission, spiderleaf & associates has the capabilities to execute said program. We will deploy a state of the art fleet, as mentioned above, with the latest training and nutrition programs. We will monitor the pigeons via remote control devices from our offices in Burbank, CA as this estimate does not include security costs for on site personnel due to the nature of the environment. However, we are fully capable of providing initial on-site set up and training manuals for the Army personnel tasked with maintaining the mission.
Our detailed quotation follows below:
Program Research – $475,000
Program Development – $600,000
Product Training – $350,000
Product Deployment – $275,000 (assumes US Navy will transport goods to Iraq & US AirForce will transport from Basra to points within Iraq)
Program Management – $1.2 million (assumes one field personnel on-site with US Army to set-up and provide training to US Army personnel)
Tracking Software & Deployment – $730,000
Maintenance costs on-going – $900,000
Total Program Cost – $4,530,000,000 (Year One)
Please advise when the requistion has arrived in the previously provided bank account.
Best regards,
spiderleaf
cc: Donald Rumsfeld, Paul Wolfowitz, Dick Cheney
Damn, I really wish Monday wasn’t a holiday here in ON, I won’t be able to check the transfer until Tues… ;(
You forgot,
Pension supplements for spiderleaf: 2,000,000
Cost overruns paying family members: 4,500,000
Kickbacks to aformentioned administration members: 1,000,000,000
what would I ever do without you? You just increased my profit margin, I mean, the safety and security of the forces in Iraq, by millions of dollars.
Just for that I promise to name a carrier pidgeon after you.
cheers,
spiderleaf
It’s ‘pigeon’. Pidgin English is something way different.
A ‘pidgeon’ could therefore be a creole bird 😉
yikes! wyat evea was I thinkin’…
thanks 🙂
Vous êtes canadienne n’êtes pas vous?
L’anglais est peut-être votre deuxième langue? Quelle dommage 😉
We regret to inform you that your application to provide contractor services to the US Military, while motivated by the highest standards of patriotism we are sure, cannot be accepted at this time.
As you may be aware, according to Federal Acquisition Regulations (FAR) Part 375-29c subclause f.2.3.j, all applications to do business with the federal government must be accompanied by the required applicable forms, which may include the following:
Form 954-G Documentation of Drug & Snark-Free Workplace
Form 241-V Documentation of Six-Figure Contribution to the Republican National Committee
Form 502-Z Documentation of Ozone-Depleting Chemical Compliance in Manufacture
Form 784-B Evidence of Bootlicking Skills
Form 506-Q Agreement to Use Recycled Paper for Monthly Reports in Quadruplicate
Form 674-W Discrimination-Free Workplace (except for gays, non-Christians, and Democrats)
Form 568-H Notice of Applicable Federal Holidays
Form 853-O OSHA Compliance Act Required Notification
Form 795-P Paperwork Reduction Notice
Since you have not completed the required forms, and since time is pressing on this need of the federal government, we suggest you consider contacting our general contractor for the conduct of the Middle Eastern Wars and Other Governmental Affairs, Halliburton, regarding the possibility of noncompetitive award of a subcontract, or subsubcontract, to them for the provision of this essential service to our military.
Their cut of your payment will be a most reasonable 57%, exclusive of you future contributions to the Republican Party or to the Friends of the Administration Legal Defense Fund (contributions voluntary, and not tax deductible for non-Christians).
We look forward to doing business with Spiderleaf and Associates in the Future.
Thanks you for your patriotic inquiry to the General Services Administration, Department of Defense, or any of those meaningless agencies we haven’t eliminated yet, but will.
Sincerely,
George Q. Paperpusher
This is starting to look like work. WTF?? Man, I should just skip all of this and go directly to my pal Abramoff… enough wasting time with this damn “paperwork”… real men (or women as the case may be… ahem 🙂 know how to get a job done.