Ladies and gentlemen, I am about to share with you something which probably violates several domestic and international laws on revealing sensitive information.

Nevertheless, I must warn you to be on the lookout for the infamous terrorist’s watch!  Yes, it’s true.  Go ahead and click “read more” if you dare.
Revealed in its awful glory, here is the sinister timepiece preferred by Al-Qaeda and terrorists worldwide.  Notice the sleek black frame preferred by evildoers, with the sweaty rash-producing rubber band.

Notice how it mocks the United States with its date abbreviations in English.  Does it say the name of the Holy Day in Urdu, Arabic or Pashtun? No! It laughs in the face of innocent, God-fearing Americans by using the letters “SU”.

This “watch” has pretenses of grandeur, something which must appeal to the unwashed terrorist masses who employ this deadly device.  Notice how it refers to itself as a “chronograph”.  Aha!  Many military insiders know that the use of words with Greek origins is a trademark of Al-Qaeda.

Despite their claim of being a “worldwide jihad”, these killers prefer the Casio F-91W’s non-24 hour mode, employing PM and AM, which ordinarily is limited to simple-minded Americans who cannot calculate that 19:00 means 7pm.  The brainwashed suicide bomber, his mind aflame with fiery teachings of jihadist Islam, cannot be relied upon to calculate the correct hour of the day without the insidious PM/AM indicator on the terrorist’s watch of preference!

Whether coming to our brave nation inside an uninspected shipping container or else fording the Rio Grande at 4am, cloaked inside a group of illegal Mexicans, the terrorist knows his precious timing device – excuse me, chronometer – may be endangered by moisture or even water.  That’s why his maleficent watch already comes pre-fabricated to resist water.  It’s true!  And note how it has the snide temerity to broadcast this with large letters on its face.

Nevertheless, do not be frightened! Our brave soldiers in the front line of terror, our superior intelligence agencies, have already demasked this, the most innocuous looking of the terrorist’s deadly arsenal.  Yes, it can finally be revealed that the Casio F-91W is the Terrorist’s Timepiece!

Salih Uyar, 24 at the time of his tribunal hearing, traveled to Afghanistan from Turkey in 2000. He was accused of living with a known al-Qaida member for two months just before raids began in Kabul, Afghanistan, and of associating with Turkish radical religious groups. At the time of his capture, he had a Casio watch _ a model that authorities say was used in bombings. “If it’s a crime to carry this watch, your own military personnel also carry this watch, too,” Uyar told the military tribunal. “Does that mean that they’re just terrorists as well?” Uyar also went to Syria but said his purpose was to study Arabic.

Abdalaziz Kareem Salim Al Noofayee, 27 or 28, originally from Saudi Arabia, said he was a student of Arabic, English and physics in the city of Taif who left school at 19 and sold vegetables. He traveled to Pakistan sometime in 2001, saying he went for inexpensive medical treatments for a bad back, and was arrested March 2002 by police in a raid in Faisalabad, Pakistan. He told the tribunal he had been at Guantanamo for three years. He is accused of attending a terrorist training camp in 1997 and of being “captured with a Casio F-91W watch, known to be used by members of al-Qaida.” He responded by saying that “the watch I had is like the watch even some of the guards here have. So does that mean they are Taliban and al-Qaida?”

Despite my extreme patriotism and love for my country, I must confess that several years ago I too had a similar watch.  No, it was not made by this “Casio” company, which is probably secretly managed by Dubai, it was a product of the Timex Corporation.  I hated that watch, without knowing why, thinking perhaps it was the awful stench of the sweat produced by the rubber band.  Now I can reveal that it was my Patriotic Heart, the “still quiet voice” inside of me, warning me of its sinister similarities to the Casio F91-W.

Friends and neighbors! If you have seen this watch, you must immediately seize it and take it your local authorities.  Only they have the training to dispose of this innocent yet extremely deadly device.  I must warn you that some of these “watches” are sold right under the noses of our biggest corporations, including Rite-Aid Pharmacies, K-Mart, Wal-Mart and yes, even the Dollar Store.  Do not try and reason with the simpleton managers, who cannot understand the deadly seriousness of the Enemy – simply grab these Watches of Mass Destruction and run, before sweet little innocent white children with blonde hair are harmed.

Don’t be bamboozled by the way these killers seek to twist their heinous deeds against the brave members of our armed forces.  Yes it is true many soldiers in the War on Global Terra carry these insidious timepieces, but this is not because they cannot afford something better with their criminally low paychecks.  No!  The Casio 91-FW’s worn by our warfighters were all captured as Trophies of War.  Yes!  Thousands and thousands, recovered from the sand-encrusted grimy bodies of the bearded evil ones who had the temerity to strike the World’s Goodest Nation.

My dear readers, I, and the writers at the Washington Post, may be detained and harshly interrogated, perhaps even waterboarded, for my revelations to you here today.  But it is a small price to pay if it keeps a single Terrorist Timepiece out of the hands of an unsuspecting boy or girl in America, whose love for ugly digital chronographs blinded them to the deadly threat these watches pose.

Crossposted from the new Flogging the Simian

Peace