A little while ago, we had a number of strong women come out and talk about their experiences
with rape, molestation, and abuse from men in their lives. It was a powerful moment in BooMan
Tribune history. I wanted to share my story, but I just couldn’t put it down on paper (or bytes).
My parents were/are very liberal. They taught me that “even though” I was a woman, I could be
whatever I wanted to be. But, they never, ever, talked to me about sex, rape, or molestation. As
a result, I was molested for years by a neighbor teen-age boy. In fact, I saw molestation as
something normal, something girls endured to fit in with the world and get the attention of the
men.
When I was 13, I was nearly raped, but managed to escape. I told my mom about the incident
because I was scared and wanted reassurance that I did the right thing to run. She was pretty
unresponsive and when she got drunk later that night, she told my family that I was a slut. I
know that doesn’t jibe with the liberal thing, but sex was always something beyond discussion,
and the comment came more from interpersonal relationships between my mother and me than
from what she really believed.
From that day forward, I vowed I would never do that to my child. That I would be open and
honest and offer her a place to talk and share experiences and not judge her prematurely. I think
I have met that goal, so far.
A couple of evenings ago, my daughter shared a poem she wrote with me. It reminded me of the
discussions we have had here and I wanted to share it with you. My daughter is 11, almost 12,
and I think this poem represents how some girls feel in our culture. It’s not Pulitzer material, but
it does give an insight into how our girls view the world around them and what it is like growing
up female in today’s world.
She did give me permission to post this with her name.
So without further ado, a poem by Cypress:
When I turn on my TV
The first thing I see is a woman shaking her “stuff”
She isn’t really wearing anything
She’s in lingerie
Many guys are drooling over her
Or she’s on a commercial
Talking about calling her on your cell phone
Or she’s walking down an isle
Thrusting her hips out
How come I have to see this?
In this world
If you’re not pretty
You can’t become a model
A singer
Or even an actress
If you’re not pretty
You’re just nothingI don’t want to think this way
But prove me wrong
On your favorite show
Music video
Or movie
Is the main female artist pretty?
She probably is
So what about the girls who are large?
What about the girls with odd faces?
What about the girls who are geeks?
She could sing better than any of the singers we hear
She could act better than some of the actors we see
She could have a great sense of fashion
But does the media care?
NoGirls feel that they need to have plastic surgery
Cosmetics
Good clothes
When a girl uses that to hide her face
It hides her real beauty
We are all gorgeous
We are all like goddesses
We don’t need a great body
We don’t need to wear skimpy clothes
We don’t need men climbing all over us
Why do us women have to feel that way?
Because we can’t become the people we want to beAnother point
Why are women considered weak?
We are just as strong as those men
We might even be stronger
Why do I have to worry about being kidnaped?
Why the hell do I have to worry about being raped?
I can defend myself
I can stick up for myself
AND for my friends and family
I don’t want to be afraid
I will never
I repeat
I will never have to be frightened of being taken over
And why?
Because my friends and I are our own people
We don’t need to look sexy
We don’t need to have money
We can be just as successful as any other woman
We can be ten times betterI am myself
And to all those girls who are scared
Don’t be
Women will not crawl back under a rock
Women will fight
We will win
Many men think differently
But they are the scared ones
Never let a man take over you
Don’t be swayed by money
Cars
Or looks
That man is probably just looking for troubleSo when someone calls you ugly
Turn around and say
“You’re just jealous”
“You’re jealous because I have both beauty on the outside and the inside”
“But you”
“You don’t accept me for the goddess that I am”
You are not just for looks on a man
You are not clothes for that man
You are more than a sex toy
You are more than a pretty face
You
YOU are a woman
And you should be damn proud
Because you are beautiful
That is a wonderful poem.
Cypress may be only 11 in human years but she is already a Wise Woman beyond age. Thank you for raising a truly beautiful daughter.
Thank you. My mom wanted to do good, but lacked the framework and tools. I took what she taught me and took it one step farther. But, really, it took a village. It took everyone else backing up my words with actions and deeds. So, really, the thanks belong to all of you who took the time to talk to a kid and show that kid respect.
Thank you for this diary, and please thank Cypress for the wonderful poem. I, too, find the images of women portrayed on television, particularly in music video clips and some other ‘children’s programs’, quite disturbing. Girls and boys are being taught that girls’ and women’s role is to be decorative and ‘available’. That is wrong.
I’m glad that there are at least two strong women in your household, Kamakhya!
Even at her young age, beauty is a major concern in her social circle and a major component of what she sees. That 11 year old girls are so obsessed with appearance is something we should all take note of. Thank you for your kind words.
Cypress, I really like the last line — “And you should be damn proud because you are beautiful.” That’s so true of both you and your mom (and Sam). It was so much fun hanging out with you guys last weekend — I know I’ll never forget the pygmy chimps! And I have every confidence that you’ll be able to do any damn thing in this life that you set your mind to ‘cuz that’s just the kind of girl you are!
Some women take a lifetime to learn what your daughter knows at 11, some women never do realize their own beauty and strength.
When my daughter was small she used to get mad when every new Disney movie came out and had a female ‘heroine’ with a body like Pamela Anderson; the only difference from movie to movie was the color of her hair and her sexy outfit. Always the same ending though – the man rescues her and they live happily ever after.
LOL, so did Cypress. She was never one of the “princess” girls, you know, the girls that want to dress up like Sleeping Beauty or Beauty and the Beast.
We had a couple of children’s books that turned these fairy tales around. One was called The Paperbag Princess. Highly recommended for those of you with younger children. We can’t quite remember the other one, but I think it was called something like Princess Smartypants.
For movies, we really liked Kiki’s Delivery Service, though Mulan had it’s good points.
My daughter, too, hated the cookie cutter Disney girls.
She went ballistic over “The Little Mermaid” because of all the Andersen fairy tales we’d read when she was little, this was her favourite.
In the real story, the mermaid gives up immortality, her identity, her home, her family and friends, her natural shape, her beatiful singing voice, and her ability to speak in exchange for painful legs and the hope of winning love from a man who doesn’t even know her. Well, at the beauty pagent ball, the prince chooses someone else.
Diana was incensed that Disney took what was essentially a feminist cautionary tale and perverted it into a celebration of female abnegation.
You are an amazing young woman, wise beyond her years. Thank you so much for allowing us to read your poem. It is a privelage to have met you and mom. You BOTH are Goddesses in my book. Stay true to yourself and your beauty will continue to shine forth for all to see.
I can only hope that there are many more smart kids like your daughter — both boys and girls — because they are our hope for making real changes. It’s such a hard battle against all the messages they get sent everyday; we all need to do everything we can to help kids learn to treat each as individuals, not as a media images and cultural stereotypes.
Oh, they are out there. Being a single mom, I often talk with other families about raising confident, cool, respectful and loving kids. By and large I found that Liberals really do have the best kids! :>)
Many thanks to Cypress – you are an inspiration. It’s true that self-confident people must confront a lot of jealousy. Took me at least thirty years to figure that out.
Isn’t evolution a wonderful thing?
Amazing poem, thanks so much for sharing it with us.
If you haven’t already, both of you should check out Pink’s latest song and video “Stupid Girls.” I am running late to work, so I don’t have time to give you a link, but if you google “stupid girls pink” you’ll find it. Its really fabuous – and gives me some hope for our young sisters.
Because we can’t become the people we want to be
Damn! Tell it. Tell it!
Oh wait–she’s 11. Leave off the “damn” until she’s a bit older.
Why the hell do I have to worry about being raped?
On second thought, leave the “damn” in. Talk about making it plain!
Never let a man take over you
Don’t be swayed by money
Cars
Or looks
Sounds like this young woman was taught well…taught to think, taught to trust her voice and her common sense.
“You don’t accept me for the goddess that I am”
You are not just for looks on a man
You are not clothes for that man
You are more than a sex toy
You are more than a pretty face
You
YOU are a woman
And you should be damn proud
Because you are beautiful
Woman-child after my own heart.
THANK YOU for sharing this. What a gift! And I should share this with our nieces–the oldest is the same age as your daughter, though she won’t be turning 12 (!) for a few months yet.
about leaving off the “damn” — I’ve met her (and her equally powerful friend).
With women like this in the wings, I feel the future is in good hands — and I know I have to fight that much harder to make sure these women have a future.
Glad you all made it home in one piece…give Cypress (and Sam if she’ll hold still long enough) an extra hug for me… 🙂
Hey there, CS!
These were my comments as I was reading the poem. I wrote the first thing that came to mind. The line that I first italicized–she was just so on point. All I could do is say “Damn!” because she’s 11 and gets it (though I felt like I shouldn’t curse–you know, someone else’s child).
And then I read the rest of it.
This is SOOOO very powerful. I swoon.
Thanks for this. It’s a wonderful poem. I have two little nieces. I worry about them.
The Syracuse Cultural Workers site has lots of great posters, cards, books, etc, such as:
Those are fabulous posters. They would look great in the Teen Room at our local public library. Thanks for the link.
I only have the one girl child, but had I had a boy, I would have made sure to break down all the stereotypes for him as well. Gender issues effect us all.
Thank you, Cypress. You are truly wise and beautiful and strong. I wish that all women from 8 to 80 could see things the way you do.
Although, comparatively speaking, things are as good or better for women in America than any where else in the world, we still have to deal with the fear and hatred of many elements in our society. And worst of all, most of us women are complicit in the current arrangement.
There are many young women who don’t know how things were 30 or 40 years ago. That is understandable, but it is also heartbreaking to see many of them being so careless about their rights and dignity. It seems that young women feel that their primary, if not sole, source of power is their sexual appeal. When I see a woman walking down the street with both breast and bottom cleavage displayed, I believe she have given up as much of herself to please men as does a woman in another culture who wraps herself in fabric from head to toe in order to meet male expectations.
Then, of course, we have the mixed signals of those who would “empower” women, but who also rely on advertisers to advance their messages and their careers. How often have we seen Oprah trying to promote and strengthen women only to have her show interrupted by commercials for weight loss products? How often have we thumbed through pages of anorexic models with air-brushed hair and skin in women’s magazines to find the article on how to assert ourselves at work?
Perhaps the saddest of all are the aging feminists, like me, who realize that we have lost much of our power in this society due to the fundamental, albeit denied, belief that women are only as valuable as they are attractive. My head knows this is crap, but the fear in my heart still drives me to buy wrinkle creams and hair dye. My head does know it is crap, but I still fantasize about a face lift or tummy tuck should I ever win that gosh darn lottery.
Cypress, thank you for your words. It is good to be reminded of a woman’s worth and to feel the strength and wisdom of other goddesses.
Thank you for posting this. Echoing the comments above, Cypress is so wise already, strong, intelligent, and beautiful. And thank you for sharing a bit of yourself w/ us too Kamakhya.
Cypress and Sam are such amazing young women! As others have said – with women like them in the wings the world will be an amazing place. They are both born leaders.
It is so wonderful to read such wise words from one so young. A true indication of her sense of self and the sense of self from her mother. As each generation breaks the cycle of oppression and denigration of self worth – that the next will be more strong and confident. You should be very proud of how you’ve raised her!
Her words are so strong and confident and so very contrary to what an entire generation grew up with.
And then within 10 years we have a new anthem…
It was amazing what 10 years did in the music world and political world. It sounds like your mother was in the Sandy Posey mode…and you are the Helen Reddy kind! And now a new generation is coming along…with anthems of their own yet to be written!
Hugs to all of you!
“Born A Woman” is my favourite terrible song.
For years I conducted and arranged for a group of classically trained women singers. We generally did mediaeval, renaissance and baroque music, but in a benefit for our local battered women’s shelter we sang a medley consisting of: “Born A Woman”, “Stand By Your Man”, “You Don’t Own Me”, and “I Am Woman”.
The first few minutes were a little tense, but they trusted that we were going somewhere with our soft, whispery version of the old Sandy Posey hit. By the end, we tore that auditorium up, and the audience was standing, shouting and singing along. Eight passionate, outraged, committed opera singers can really crank up the volume !
It’s funny, Sally, my mom was an active feminist in the 70’s. She went back to school and got a law degree. She worked tirelessly for the ERA. She was a staunch advocate for abused children and abused woman (often working long hours for free for them). But, she could never talk about sex with me. Any hint that I was a sexual creature and she would call me brutal names, like slut and whore. When I got older and called her on this trait, she would always say she was just joking. Weird.
I love the poems. They really do help show us how far we’ve come. But, I am saddened by what I see in young women today; an obsession with weight and beauty that sometimes is even deadly. Clothes are another bone of contention for me as it’s related consumerism.
At any rate, thanks for the poems and kind words.
To Cypress: That was great, after meeting you I can see how you would be able to write such powerful lines as you did, I am so glad to have met you.
To Kama: Good mothering my friend. I could tell you were a great mother and this futher proves it. I hope you will consider posting this at Village Blue.
Love and hugs to you both and hope to visit with you again in the future.
Thanks for this. I ate some cookies with my friend’s four year old yesterday and afterward she asked me if they were low fat. I wanted to scream.
It is no surprise to me to see such powerful and meaningful thoughts as expressed in your poem. Thanks so much for sharing it with us. You and your friend Sam just blew me away when I met you last weekend. Such beautiful, intelligent and amazing women you are. Goddesses for sure!
I hope you will continue to post your words here and also at Village Blue. Your mom said that you are writing for the school paper and they wouldn’t let you write political things. . .but you know what? You can write all the political things you like here at Booman and we will love to see things from your perspective. So if you have time and want to, we will sure look forward to hearing more from you.
You have absolutely restored my faith and hope in the generation coming of age now. Thank you for that. Sometimes we get so bogged down in the gloom and doom and chaos of the current political mess we forget that our hope is in those of you just now coming into your own. You have given me great encouragement.
And mom, I know and understand your very justified pride in your offspring. . .and it speaks volumes of what a great mother she has. Awesome to see the results of such wonderful mothering skills.
You ladies just plumb stole my heart away! Thanks!
Big, big hugs and loves
Shirl
Thank you for letting us read your excellent poem, Cypress. I’m going to show it to my daughter (who I think you met briefly at anti-war march in S.F. last year.) I think the poem is full of truth and was especially struck by your insight that mean people are jealous. I hope to be able to read more of your poetry some time.
Kamakhya, thank you for the insight about liberal families and talking about sex. I’m sorry it came at such a cost to you. You have reminded me once again to keep talking to my daughter in spite of her resistance. I want to share some of the stories women have told here, but have been looking for the right time. It takes time. Next week is her spring break and I will make the time.
Hugs to you both.
LL, do take the time to talk to your daughter next week. She is exactly at the age that it is important. She will grumble, groan, and roll her eyes, but she will hear you. While my parents briefly mentioned pregnancy and STD’s and my Dad made sure I was on the pill, the one thing I really regret is that they never talked to me about relationships. What makes a good relationship, a bad relationship, etc.
Your daughter is a beautiful young woman. You, too, have done an awesome job!
Having met both of you, I am not surprised in the least to read this very wise view of the world from Cypress. You have set a wonderful example for her, and she has wisely absorbed the lessons you learned. Thanks to both of you for sharing this.
I just wanted to take a moment to thank all of you for such kind and thoughtful responses. I got slammed at work today, so I haven’t had the time to respond to all of you, but I appreciate all of you.
Cypress will read the comments this evening after we get home from work/school.
Thanks again. Tribbers really rock! :>)
I stand in awe of your daughter for her wisdom and of you for raising her. Goddesses indeed!
You both are beautiful because you are you and you are strong. I continue to be in such awe and complete admiration of the incredible humans I meet here everyday.
Peace.
First off, this is Cypress on my mom’s account.
Second off, I have been blown away. When I heard that my mom wanted to post this on Booman, I actually wasn’t too fond of the idea, and I was slightly hesitant. I agreed though, and now I’m quite pleased with the results. Yes, I have read each of your comments, and I’m practically brought to tears.
I guess coming home from school, and having just recently hearing two girls insult each other really set me off. They kept screaming about their weight and beauty, and I shook my head. This wasn’t the first time this had happened. Heck, I get it all the time. So, knowing my emotional me, I rushed to the computer and did what any other emotional kid would do; I wrote poetry.
Once again, I honestly can’t thank you enough for your comments! I’ve been having a bad day, and this really cheered me up :)!
– Cypress a.k.a The Hippie Penguin
Hi Cypress, glad to see that our words made you feel better and you have done some very good writing both in your comment and in your poem, keep up the good work. I am so happy to have met you. Hugs. and remember our cheer!!!!!!
Hey Hippie Penquin,
Girls can be so mean to one another, but they’re all just scared of not fitting in. The really smart ones (like you) know it’s good to stand out, not blend into the woodwork with your identical hairstyles and clothes and blathering on about boys.
I remember when my daughter was about 8 or 9 and she was sitting on a bench with her friend and they were comparing thighs and wondering whose were “fatter”…I think she weighed about 60 lbs. I could have cried.
Now she’s 21 and a goddess with the spirit of a lion and the grace of a colt. She belches like a pro and doesn’t care what anyone thinks!
I’m sorry to hear you’ve had a rough day, but glad that you were cheered by the comments here. You’re a super smart cookie, and I really appreciated your poem!
Cypress, your mom brags on you a lot around here — with good reason! 🙂 I can’t wait to vote for you someday, kiddo. You just keep on keepin’ on, keep speaking truth to power.
I rushed to the computer and did what any other emotional kid would do; I wrote poetry.
This is wonderful. I wrote poetry a lot when I was a kid too, but I hid it from everyone. Keep writing. Writing and expressing yourself is one of the best things in the world.
Cypress, you should get your own account here at Booman. I know, because I just spent the last weekend with you (including 18 hours in the car), that you have a lot to say and you would fit in and be welcome here more than you might be able to imagine. You’re a smart girl and you know what’s going on — us older folks need to hear voices like yours. You would really keep us on our toes!