Many people have asked me why I do all the volunteer work, civil rights work, and political work that seem to consume my every waking moment. Most times I say “I do it because someone has to and it might as well be me.” While this is true, it comes no where close to explaining the true reasons I do what I do. I do this because I am so full of fear, pain, and rage that I must speak out or die.
I have come close to taking my own life several times in the past. The most recent was after the devastating show of hatred in Texas in 2005 for the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Community. I went through a bout of deep depression that almost cost me everything and that cost is way too high. I have come out on top of it and will never sink that low again without seeking help from others. I have made a difference in my short time on this earth and must strive always to do more.
I do what I do to honor those who came before me and fought for Equal Rights and Freedom for All People. I honor the heros of the different rights movements throughout history and the many unsung heros who had their back and walked, marched, voted, and died without ever being known or remembered for their part in the struggle. I do this to honor the young who cannot speak for themselves and for those who enjoy the rights without ever having lifted a finger to help. I even do it for those who have aided the enemy in their campaign of evil and hatred by their indifference, support or even votes. Their support of the evil of the religious right and the Repugnant Party stems for a deep-seated self hatred that I can never understand or cure.
I do this for the unborn children so that they do not have to suffer the hatred on a scale such as I have. I work so that small children are not taught to hate someone different. I take vacations to attend training seminars and conventions so that the next generation can be free. I spend every spare dime on campaigns and charities so that women can have a choice when it comes to their own bodies. I volunteer many hours on campaigns so men and women can go to work without fear of being fired for whom they love. I vote for certain candidates to insure that if and when our men and women are ever sent to war again it will not be one based on lies and small men’s egos. I do it so none need contracts a disease that is deadly and devastating not only to the one afflicted but to their family and loved ones also. I continue to dream, write, design, protest and lose sleep so that the next generation can have a better place to call home than I do.
I cries tears of rage and frustration and then put them aside to go forth and do battle yet again for those who either cannot or will not do it. I cry for the loves I have lost, the friends I have buried, and the freedoms stolen. I sound out my anger, my frustration and fear to arouse the masses to battle and also win the war against arrogance, injustice, intolerance, bigotry and sheer stupidity.
Will this battle ever be over? I have to admit I do not think it will ever end. There will always be arrogant and prejudice people. The arrogant who crave power for powers sake will always find someone to hate and use the ignorance of the populace to attack these people to gain control. I can only hope to educate as many as possible so that the effects become less in each generation. My efforts might only be remembered by those close to me but they will live on in the smile of a child who can live and be free. I don’t need accolades or honors. I just want to know that when I die I have done all I can to leave this place a better world than when I came into it. I will go out on a limb and ask anyone who reads this to strive to do the same. We can make a difference but we have to work together to do this. I cannot ask anyone to do as much as I do or to let this consume all their free time. I only ask that you do as much as you can to make the world the best it can be.
Thank you for all you do. Thank you.
refinish. They deserve it and I will do all that I can as a loving mother and a participant in society to grant them that. It would be so nice if the fear and angst and hate finally would dissolve into the glitterdust that it all is really made out of, and all people could generally be safe and free to find their happiness with the others they would choose to.
This isn’t personal, RF, but it is very personal. I deeply appreciate what you do, and that you do it is so great. It is helping, in ways that you don’t see.
I have two friends, each with a gay child. Each kid started a Rainbow/Friends of GLB students in their high schools (one in Utah!). One of these kids, his mom told me, felt he could do this because he had seen older gay adults fighting so hard, not for themselves as much as for the future, “and that’s me, so I’m doing it too.”
As a shrink for kids, I’ve known of two children who took their own lives after being rejected by their parents. One child – and indeed, a child of 13(! – there aren’t enough exclamation points for that), had his worldly goods through out of his bedroom window in mid-winter, and the door barred against him when his dad found out. He spent a few months in the combat zone in Boston, and died of an overdose, leaving a note and no doubt why he did it.
The other kid was put through a forced “change your sexuality” program, and hung himself. The parents of both boys were devastated, but I wanted to strangle them with my bare hands right after asking them why they preferred to abandon or torture their children if the alternative they gave their child was to die at their own hands.
However, I hope you can keep focusiong on people like those first two kids. Especially the ones who spoke of the adults who had shown courage in fighting the good fight before.
That’s what it is about.
And I want you to be good to yourself in this. You can’t see the effects, and like Moses and MLK, you may not see the Promised Land, but those kids will get there. They will, and you are one of the people lighting the lamp ahead of them.
I love you for that, and for the kids who won’t die because of you.
Recommended. My own story is a version of this. You say:
“I do this because I am so full of fear, pain, and rage that I must speak out or die. I have come close to taking my own life several times in the past.”
I hope it will be an encouragement to you to hear that your story has resonated with another anonymous Interneter.
I come from a family of suicide. My mother. My brother. My other brother (leaving me the last, alone, really alone). My maternal grandfather. My maternal grandmother. My aunt. Perhaps I have come closer to taking my own life than you, several times. Fear, pain, and rage. Yes.
And then to look that in the face and try to fight. That’s where I’m at. I think it’s worth the fight. In my own work life, I’ve managed to save hundreds of people from great hardships, in a special kind of vocation. As my mother used to say, that’s better than a kick in the pants.
I’m a pro-life Catholic, so I disagree with you on some issues. But I just want you to know I liked this call to action.
These are the times that I’m not sure I like the internet community… because I can’t reach through the screen and hold you close… so I can only hold you close in my heart and carry you around with me in my thoughts.
I’m so glad that you didn’t end your life, as we need you.
I think many of us who have contemplated, experimented with suicide have done so because we live our lives with such passion and emotion. It’s tiring and it brings about such crumbling heartaches… but please know that because you are still with us… that shows incredible strength.
You are an incredible, empathetic person and I haven’t even met you face to face… I don’t need to. Your words and your work speak volumes and shares and shows your humanity.
I too would like to add to your plea: People don’t have to let their activism consume their lives, but if many did a little than so few would have to alot. It’s riskier the latter way.
Damnit.. I wish I could have you over… please know that you have family in the Northwest. A proud and grateful family.
Not only for all the efforts you make on behalf of others but also for serving as a constant reminder to the rest of us that, even if we can’t match your efforts and energy, we always will need to keep fighting for every inch forward.
Thank you so much for the words of support and what you do also. Don’t worry about me doing anything nuts. You can read past dairies about depression I’ve wriiten and know that I have found help for that and will puch on and keep fighting till I am an old man. LOL
You are a wonderful inspiration refinish… Thanks for doing all that you do and for being part of our community. {{{{refinish}}}
Thank you!!!! Lots of hugs back at ya!!!!
Extended respectful applause. Thank you
Dear, dear refinish, I have printed out your diary to read when I am in despair that no matter how much I do, there is more grief and misery than I can ever know, let alone alleviate. I have yet to find a balance that prevents me from constantly questioning how much more I could have done, because it’s never enough.
I know that I want you strong, and proud, and happy. I know I want you to enjoy your life, and rejoice in the good you do instead of dwelling on the things you can’t change alone.
Crying for you, wishing you peace and loving your goodness has strangely turned out to be a gift I’ve selfishly accepted for myself at your hands. You do more good than you know.
Thank you. I do what I can but the support and love of my fellow activist keep me strong and in the battle. We will win this war some day.
Great diary, RF! Thanks for sharing your boundless energy with us all, and accept my humble thanks for all that you do for all of us! Not to mention the future generations you reference as well … because of people like you, we can derive the inspiration to re-make our world, one small block at a time, until we can at least carve out a small piece of the world we can be proud to inhabit.
All my best to you and the Diva Dogs! Keep up the good fight, my friend!
No thanks needed for doing what I know is right. I have to do this because I don’t know how to do otherwise. I might get tired and frustrated sometimes but I keep on because so many are there to help and also who need the help.