From P.J. O’Rourke’s Modern Manners: An Etiquette Book for Rude People.
Proper Social Behavior Under the Influence of Drugs
Social Occassions Appropriate to Use
Alcohol: Any
Marijuana: Rock concerts, horror movie screenings, time spent alone in bedroom as a teenager
Cocaine: Visits to dance clubs and other moments of private desperation
LSD: College reunions, weekends in Big Sur
Crack: Robbery, burglary, assault, murder
Heroin: Late night association with rich Brits and European jet trash
What to Do
Alcohol: Shed clothes in restaurant, don dress belt with napkin draped over crotch, stand on chair and recite “Hiawatha”
Marijuana: Listen to Guns and Roses on stereo, look at Bloomingdale’s underwear catalogue, eat Mallomars
Cocaine: Do more coke
LSD: Stare at rocks, trees, bugs, self
Crack: Robbery, burglary, assault, murder
Heroin: Act very hip, also nod and drool
What to Say
Alcohol: “Where’s the parrrrrrrty!?”
Marijuana: “Wow.” “Oh, wow.” “Really.” “Wow.”
Cocaine: Say you never do coke anymore
LSD: “This is incredible! I forgot how incredible this is! Incredible! Really incredible!”
Crack: “Yo.”
Heroin: You’re too hip to say it, also too busy nodding and drooling.
What to Break
Alcohol: Dishes, marriage vows
Marijuana: Glass bongs, lava lamps
Cocaine: Promises
LSD: The space/time continuum
Crack: Laws
Heroin: Your mother’s heart
How to Excuse Yourself the Next Day
Alcohol: “I hadn’t eaten anything since lunch.”
Marijuana: “Wow, that sinsemilla is really heavy shit.”
Cocaine: If you have any left, you’ll still be there acting up
LSD: Freak out and cry
Crack: Make bail
Heroin: If there is a next day, say, “I only snort it on weekends.”
ROTFLMAO!!!!! this is too funny. Me thinks BooMan has too much time on his hands.
You know, this could be updated to provide an addendum on Republican behaviors for the 21st century….
I would have laughed at this too, back before I nearly died from end stage addiction, and have attended so many funerals since of others who did. (Yeah,yeah, I know…don’t be a wet blanket, and all of that.)
This piece just happened to show up front paged just two days after I found out a good buddy with 18 years clean just went back down the tubes, big time, and won’t be likely to make it back this time, and this hit me hard on my unfunny bone.
Which of these was O’Rourke doing when he wrote this?
Isn’t this from the same thing good ole’ Box Turtle Ben plagiarized from?
yes, it is. A very funny book.
OK, so what I’m posting here is about the funniest things I’ve seen on teh intartubes in ages (well over a decade):
http://www.eng.usf.edu/~dionson/ezzay
Warning: NSFW
Is it a troll? Did some student really hand that in? I dunno, but it’s funny!!!