Lets forget that Hamburg abandoned the idea of starting first graders the year after Jake joined. Lets even forget how they looked like bobbleheads trying to hold up the helmets at that age.
Jake has long gotten over the abuse he endured as a pacifist kindergartner, the target of bullies who came home bruised. He has gotten over the fact I eventually had to take pictures of boot prints bruised into his back. I guess good parenting in the land of right wing toughies means something different then I anticipated. I failed him, I taught him to fight back way too late… including a trip to the emergency room with a spit open temple. His Dad did teach him that eventually- the bully, once his nose bloodied, left Jake alone.
Our football program started them too young and focused on the win, rather then the game. It was the epitome of frustrated men trying to make their bones through their kids. Over 3/4 did not return the next year. No one but “special” 5 kids had any idea of the rules, the rest were fodder for those coaches kids.
Realizing their mistake by enrollment, they changed admission from age 6 to 8. Still, with a $350 entree fee, and the gung-ho coaches, and the 2 hours 5 days a week for 3rd graders… the pickings were slim.
Perfect for Daddies who drilled their undersized sons trying to create future meal tickets… but suckage for normal families. Enrollment went down more. They wanted him.
Jake opted out. He didn’t like hurting his friends in practice. He didn’t much like being hurt, and his 6 yr old memories served him well. He didn’t like the deviousness and the aggression of the players on the playground. Dirty hits and blindsides were applauded.
He’s 9 now.
Attending a few games this year, he played with middle school kids, made interceptions, touchdowns and took tackles much to his pride. With kids 1-3 years older than him, he made his bones, big time. They all want him to play.
They say he rocks. He says “Nope.”
But he sounds like a man I once dated, who hated all sports….only to a lesser, less political degree.
The man said that sports glorifies the worst of humanity, made us enjoy subjugating others, made us acting “pack” and destroying others…
The boy?
He says, “I know I can take the hits, make the hits, beat them… but why? If it was for fun, I would, but its never for fun. They want real hurt.”
Out of the mouths of babes.
Pressed, he adds, “If its about being mean, KILLING your opponent, I just don’t like it, Mom. I’m good at it, but I’d rather play baseball… that’s about teamwork and doing your personal best, not hurting the other team.” He can throw and catch, run and take hits. He is a coaches dream… except he hates their ethics, What a guy!!!! He won’t be mean for the JOY of being mean.
I LOVE MY KID!
Flawed as I am, I must be doing something right.
His choice? The high road. Peace.
My son has his shit together.
Who do we count as heroes. His answers would differ than most young men.
I LOVE my Kid, I am so proud of him!
(kid over shoulder.
I was just informed I got it kinda wrong:
Jeeeeeeeeez…. us grown ups never get it quite right.
Wow, Diane – what a special boy you have. I have one just as kind and thoughtful in my family. There is something wonderful in that generation, or is it just that age?
Thanks for writing about him. I hope he has lots of fun.
Its a mix… there are boys he encounters who love violence and bully… but he has so great an insight, and so hates the attitude of “might makes right” he amazes me.
Thanks for reading, Alice!
d 🙂
My 9 year old played football for a few games one season. He really didn’t like it. Now he’s back to only playing soccer, a much better game for him and the other kids.
Your son sounds very wise for his age.
We have our last game Saturday. My 9 year old is playing on the line, mostly, which is where his size and skill set say he should be. He’s not very fast, or very big, though at just over 70 lbs he’s almost 20 lbs heavier than he was when he first played tackle ball a year ago. He really loves to play football. He plays at recess every day, even though most of his actual friends don’t, even though the kids who do play largely ignore him and pick him last when making teams. He comes home and tells me that he did make a catch today, for about ten yards, but they tapped him right away. I encourage him to stay with it, because I know he truly loves it.
His dad was small, too, when he was his age. He didn’t get to play, except on kickoff team. He came home from games on a muddy field with clean pants. Coaches didn’t want him, didn’t teach him, didn’t play him when he was little. Some even physically abused him, verbally berated him, tried to drive him off their teams. He didn’t even realize how badly he was being treated until he looked back at it as an adult. When his dad got a good growth spurt going into 8th grade, coaches loved him – but he never forgot how he was treated for all those years playing football before that time.
Everyone on our team starts on either offense or defense. None of the four coach’s kids are starting in the backfield. Everyone on our team gets instruction in all the basic skills – they learn to catch and throw, even if they are destined to be linemen. Everyone learns to block, even if they carry the ball – and they do it, too, because they all spend some time playing on the line. Everyone gets to be a captain at least once during the season. We talk about striving to win, wanting to win – because winning is important. But we talk a lot more about knowing your job, playing hard until the whistle blows, working together, encouraging each other. Kids usually get to play in their dream position at least once during a game – we know this because we ask, and we make the effort to let them have a shot.
I’m a little surprised, but there is actually quite a bit less of what you describe going on now than there was back when I started coaching in the 80’s. Most of the teams I see now play all their kids quite a bit…though I’m not naive enough to believe that everything is hunky-dory in youth sports. If you want positive change, you have to push the league to change and enforce the rules. It’s the only way to do it.
I’m going to miss these kids an awful lot after this next week. You’re never all together again once the season is done and the end of year party is over, you know? But I run into past players, and they say hi, and it’s one of the best things in the whole world. Football is violent, its true, but it isn’t always ugly. Most sports truly are contact sports when you break it down, and all of them can be ugly – it depends on how you go about it.
I’m 42 today. If I could spend the rest of my life teaching and coaching I’d be perfectly happy. Give me the kids no one wants – I don’t care. Give me the ones no one believes in – I’m ready. I’m not scared and I don’t care what people think about our win/loss record. If every kid on the team can look me in the eye and tell me they learned something and had fun this year, I’ve succeeded.
If your son doesn’t want to play football, that is certainly his choice. But if he’s playing it by choice outside the realm of organized ball, and he’s enjoying it, perhaps he’ll find his way back in future. Or perhaps not. Either way, I sincerely hope he has the best of luck in having good coaches for any sports he participates in.
And you’re right on the money, from the mouths of babes.
If only our coaches in Hamburg were more like you….
From day one, the 5 coaches kids (read potential superstars) got all the instruction, the rest were fodder, and taught NOTHING. They were just screamed at “Hit them! Cream them!” and Jake got right away they meant “Hurt them as bad as you can.”
Our baseball coaches let everyone pitch, let everyone try anything they wanted.
Its all about the examples sometimes.
You got lucky with your baseball coaches, I’ve seen plenty of them be just as big a jerks as football coaches. True for every sport.
Football does present a fine line – you have to hit in this game. It is a huge part of the game. But you have to hit cleanly, so you don’t injure yourself or anyone else. Injuries still happen, of course, but playing within the rules makes a huge difference.
And I will say this – allowing anyone to play wherever they want is tricky in football. I attempt to do it, but I can tell you, if your line isn’t blocking well and you give a smaller/slower kid the ball so he gets a chance to run with it, you’re just offering him up to get hurt. Football presents fine lines, and you have to show good judgement as a coach.
When my son was about 4 or 5 I decided to try to involve him in team sports. He was very strong for his age physically and had a great deal of…passion might be the best way to describe it. Intensity. But he generally kept it pretty well hidden behind a sort of shyness. Other kids really had to earn his trust before he opened up.
We were living in Manhattan at the time, and there was a pee-wee soccer league available. OK…let’s see what happens.
I asked him if he wanted to try it; he was amenable if not wildly enthusiastic, so we got the little soccer uniform and one Saturday morning we headed over to the beginning of the season. The coach explained the game to the kids…I had already sketched it out to him as well…and they began a game.
My son just stood in the backfield, kicking at dust and pebbles. He absolutely did not involve himself in the game. I wasn’t going to be some kind of pushy soccer dad plus I had seen similar acts from him when in the playground with new kids, so I just chilled on the sidelines.
End of game…practice, really…we went back home with very little conversation about the morning’s activities. Next week, I asked him if he wanted to go again and got the same non-committal “Yeah, I guess” answer, so back we went. Same act, same tactic on my part. He wasn’t particularly unhappy…just totally neutralled out. OK…let’s let this develop. No push on my part.
Third Saturday…same result. The coach is apparently used to it…these are really young kids for team sports…but I figured three’s the charm, let’s see if he really understands what is going on out there.
And this was the conversation that ensued:
End of soccer episode.
I knew he was going to be fine with that kind of understanding and insight, but I did keep trying with the group thing for a while. After similar experiences in Little League, Cub Scouts and then a truly nasty couple of years where he played Jr. High football for one season, showed real talent but didn’t like the scene and then had to fight the jocks who wanted him on the team for years afterward…I mean physically fight them, and more than once…he found martial arts (Aikido, which I studied for years) and it became his root interest in life.
Just sayin’…some people HAVE to live outside the box.
Congrats on your kid, Diane.
When they understand at that age…you just have to thank Providence for their gift and then prepare them for a life outside of the “normal”.
It’s OK.
I like it out here, myself.
So do you, I think.
Later…
AG
P.S. He also came home during the middle school “social years”, gave me the same suddenly-I’m-much-older eye contact look and said “Dad, did you ever notice that nobody likes the popular kids?”
Yup.
These ones are ALWAYS OK eventually.
They just have to find similarly outside folks with whom to bond.
So it goes.
.
Hi Diane, a great kid you have! I have been involved with sports all my life and during the last 22 years with field hockey at the highest level in The Hague. When my daughter was 8 years old, she took me to the hockey pitch and I’m still involved with the same hockeyclub (1700 members). Besides umpiring at least 2 games each weekend, the last 3 years I have also focused on promoting sportsmanship within the club, teams, coaches, players and parents. Respect for the other is part of participating in a teamsport and is promoted by the national federation KNHB. In the last year, the Dutch government has started a campaign to let the kids have fun in sport and have coaches and parents instructed to behave in a manner of good sportmanship. Be involved and make change happen. It isn’t easy, but it’s worth the effort as sport participation for the youth helps form the next generation.
May I quote you!"But I will not let myself be reduced to silence."We are always really active in helping out at baseball, but the football coaches allowed no parent participation at all.
Especially at the K-4th grade level, kids should be learning fun and teamwork, not kill and competition.
Couldn’t agree more. Remember when I was in junior high (and that was considered early then), the junior high level football was thought to act as a sort of farm team for the high school. The high school coach even came around to pep talk the kids.
Early football never has the kids in mind or the teaching of teamwork or whatever.
As with most things, never doesn’t apply.
But you do have to be lucky in the coach department.