Don’t look for any links in this post. Like my subject, I don’t need no stinking support for what I’m going to say. I’m just going to follow his glorious example and pull whatever facts I need out of my ass.

Not the ass, mind you, that kept El Rushbo from serving in Vietnam. No, I don’t have an ass that famous, that renowned. His ass literally saved him for the lead role of a lifetime in the greatest con job ever sold. No, my ass is merely a poor middle-aged remnant of what it once was, sadly sagging a bit, and virtually unknown. But with whatever talent I can borrow from the Great Spaghetti Monster in the Sky, I think my ass can be just as effective as Rush’s own. (Except for squashing elephants. My ass simply doesn’t have the power — or the sheer mass — to strike fear into the hearts of elephants like Michael Steele, Eric Cantor, John Boehner and every other Elephant politician you know).

(cont.)

So why is Rush, a man who has never held a political office in his life, suddenly the leader of the Grand Old Party? It’s a process of elimination, actually (pun intended). It’s not that he isn’t an amoral, corrupt, hypocritical, vindictive bastard. Hell, George Bush, Dick Cheney, Sarah Palin and hundreds of other Republican politicians are just as amoral, corrupt, hypocritical and vindictive (though there’s no truth to the rumor that Sarah Palin is a bastard).

It’s not that he’s an undereducated college dropout. That didn’t stop Joe the Plumber from pontificating about whatever stupid thoughts pass through his reptilian brain. It’s not that Rush is a racist who has played for his listeners’ delight the ditty Barack the Magic Negro as sung by a bad Al Sharpton imitator. Hell, the GOP is filled with racists (Strom Thurmond anyone? Trent Lott? George “Macaca” Allen?). It’s not that he has a problem with the institution of traditional marriage. His number of wives equals those of Newt Gingrich, even if he did beat out St. Ronald Of Raygun.

It’s not even that he’s a known sexual deviant and possible pedophile who enjoys little blue pills while vacationing in 3rd world countries known for sexual slavery. David Vitter, Larry Craig, Mark Foley — need I say more (okay, I lied about the links. Sue me)? It’s not that he’s a drug addict who’s gone through rehab, barely avoided prosecution for a conspiracy to illegally obtain prescription narcotics, and destroyed his hearing all in the pursuit of the many joys that only Oxycontin can bring into your life.

No, Rush is the head of the Republican Party because he’s worked hard for it. He’s earned it. How many years did he toll in the vineyards of Clinton bashing and spurious rumor mongering? How many years did he relentlessly mock and condemn liberals, hippies, feminazis, the gay mafia, phony soldiers, Demorats, shoe shine guys like Antonio Villaraigosa, the Hispanic Mayor of of Los Angeles, the intelligence of African Americans (Hi Donovan McNabb!), etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

He built conservative talk radio with his bare hands, using as his building materials a plethora of lies, canards, half truths, slanders and general unmitigated hate speech for well over two decades. And when Republicans recaptured control of Congress and the White House, he worked tirelessly to defend the Bush administration’s policies of torture, warrantless wiretapping of US citizens, unlimited detention, and War crimes. He praised the outing of CIA agent Valerie Plame Wilson by weasels like Scooter Libby. He faithfully spread all GOP talking points, not to mention the relentless brown nosing, cheer leading and general ass kissing he performed for his good buddies Dick Cheney, Karl Rove and George W. Bush (at least while they still led the GOP). He never missed a chance to blame Democrats for the failings of Republicans.

No, no single individual has done more to deserve his present position of prominence within the Republican party. But as we all know (because Clint Eastwood told us so) “Deserve’s got nothing to do with it.” No, Rush is The Man for one reason and one reason only: he’s the last asshole standing.

Karl Rove? He led the GOP to two disastrous election losses in 2006 and 2008. Cheney? Please. No one loves Cheney. I bet he scares the piss out of his grandkids. Tom DeLay flamed out long ago. Newt Gingrich is as irrelevant as he is oblivious to his own irrelevancy. McCain is a legend only in his own mind. Sarah Palin is a poor Tina Fey knock off. Reagan is dead. And George W. Bush? He’s the very definition of Epic Fail.

Rush still has his millions of faithful ditto-heads, more than any other of his radio competitors. Even more important, he has the complete and utter failure of the Republican Party to govern this country after eight years of massive corruption and the implementation of an ideological agenda that doesn’t believe in the ability of government to help people in the first place. Republican politicians still in office won’t be able to get out from under that pile of horse manure for years. They can’t go after Obama with all guns blazing without looking churlish, stupid and irresponsible. They still have to find ways to retain their fragile hold on their precious seats in Congress. Attacking a popular President in the time of a grave national crisis is not a winning strategy for them right now. But Mr. EIB Network Man has no such limitations. As an “entertainer” all he has to do is keep his slavish devotees’ ears glued to the radio whenever his program is aired.

But, let’s be honest. Rush Limbaugh is a made man, and I don’t mean self-made. Sure, the collapse of the Republican Party helped, but in truth the guy who placed Rush’s monstrous behind on the throne of the GOP’s deteriorating Empire is the person he least expected as an ally: President Barack Obama.

Obama and his Chieff of Staff, Rahm Emanuel, wanted Limbaugh to be the face of the GOP. And they succeeded beyond their wildest dreams. It’s a big win for Obama and his administration. It makes it harder for any really effective opposition leader to emerge. And unlike Michael Moore, who has no real influence on Democratic Party politics because he has no legions of mindless followers willing to attack the ideological purity of any Democrat he deems insufficiently liberal, Rush can and does use his listeners to browbeat Republicans who deviate from his delusional vision of what what Conservatism is and forever should be.

In short, Limbaugh is a demagogue and a megalomaniac. An ugly, pompous pustule on the face of our political discourse. A useful idiot, not because he will support Obama, but because he can be consistently counted on to oppose him with all the blind ferocity and venality one would expect from the man who patented the format for Conservative Hate Radio. He’s a walking, talking poster boy for all that is nasty, low and bigoted in our society. He’s the best enemy Obama could ever hope to find. He’ll never run for office. He likes doing what he’s doing too much to ever put his own ass into the frying pan of political office.

Like any attention whore, he revels in the fact that he’s getting all this 24/7 buzz from the media. He loves the idea that he’s has all the power over what’s left of the conservative movement with none of the responsibility for its failures. He isn’t a man of action, he’s just a big smelly mouth with a megaphone that loves to rant and roar and put down anyone and everyone who actually desires to solve the myriad of problems our society faces. He’s a bloated cartoon character who embodies all the pent up frustration, rage and blind ignorance of that still large section of America who would rather look for scapegoats to blame for the sad situation in which they find themselves than put away their hatred and their prejudices and seek common cause with their fellow Americans. That hatred is what has made him rich. It’s what has made him feared and revered by his fellow travelers on the right.

So, undoubtedly Rush, classic narcissist that he is, loves this great boon Obama and Rahm Emanuel have bestowed upon him. After all, he doesn’t care about anyone but himself. His only desires are for favors from the goddess of fame, the continuing receipt of mounds upon mounds of money, the undivided attention of the multitudes of his radio audience (no matter what they think of him) and the ability to take the occasional sex vacation to the Dominican Republic. And the longer his visage remains the figure head which adorns the Good Ship Elephant, the longer he is the Leader of the Disloyal Opposition, the longer the American people identify his brand of conservatism with the Republican Party, the better off Obama and the Democrats will be.