I know many of you here won’t accept the truth of the claim asserted by my title. But I have proof. A serious and dangerous terrorist was taken down thanks in large part to the warrantless surveillance program instituted by the Bush administration. A man who terrorized American men for years with his hateful message of male inadequacy, and his ability to coerce those men into giving him money to finance his terrorist agenda. I’m speaking of course, of Steven Warshak, the manufacturer of Enzyte who was notorious for his sinister psychological abuse of millions of American men who he convinced they suffered from that most dreaded of medical disorders: Tiny Penis Syndrome.

Well thanks to the foresight of President Bush, and the efforts of the FBI to ignore the Fourth Amendment of the Constitution in defense of our nation’s security, this horrific terrorist is now behind bars and his evil psychological terror attacks on the masculinity of Patriotic American Men has finally come to an end.

(cont.)

The Electronic Frontier Foundation (EFF) and other civil liberties groups are charging the government with having used a “back door wiretap” to obtain six months worth of a defendant’s emails without a warrant.

According to EFF, the act under which the emails were obtained “is only supposed to be used for obtaining emails already in storage with a provider.” Instead, the Justice Department ordered suspect Steven Warshak’s email provider to prospectively “preserve” copies of his future emails, which would otherwise have been deleted as they were downloaded.

The government then subpoenaed the provider for copies of the emails, thereby obtaining 27,740 of Warshak’s private communications without a warrant and without him being aware of the arrangment.

Thanks to these emails, obtained without a warrant, as required by the Fourth Amendment of the US Constitution, Steven Warshak was convicted for the crime of making men believe their dicks were too small, and that they needed his nefarious product, Enzyte, even though he knew it didn’t work. Now, I know some of you may raise the following question: Couldn’t the federal government have found a way to take down this threat to our very way of life without sacrificing the protections to which all of us are entitled under the Bill of Rights, specifically the protection of unlawful searches and seizures without a warrant issued by a court of law based on probable cause?

Well, all I can say to that is you are still operating under a pre-9/11 mindset, my friends. And as we all know, 9/11 changed everything. In this Post-9/11 world we have to protect ourselves from terrorists like Steven Warshak anyway we can. If that means discarding the precious rights and liberties the Founding Fathers gave us when they added the Bill of Rights to the Constitution in order to ensure its passage, why we just have to accept that sometimes you have to surrender a little freedom in order to obtain a little security. And no matter what Ben Franklin might have thought about that trade off …

Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.

… I’ll bet none of his many lady friends ever questioned the size of his package, if you get my drift. If they had, I’m sure he’d stand fore square behind the actions of the FBI to illegally obtain essential evidence against the monster known as Steven Warshak who did so much to destroy the psychological well being of our American men in a time of war.

Besides, wasn’t it all worth it just to get these awful commercials that mocked so many of our best and brightest off the airwaves?

So thank you agents of the FBI and former glorified mouthpiece President Bush (and you too, former Fuhrer Vice President Cheney) for taking the steps necessary to preserve our country’s most vital national treasure: faith in the stature of our American made dicks. Hell, we don’t need no stinking commie “natural enhancement” pills. That’s why God created Viagra, after all.