Not too long after I graduated from high school in 1987, I moved to California. Soon after, an old girlfriend decided to join me. We broke up after a bit, she moved back East and eventually I came back East, too. Our relationship was never the same after that, but it wasn’t exactly a clean break either and I became closely acquainted with a new friend she had made. She was a few years younger than me and probably had attended a different high school so I had never met her before. After I’d known her a while, she confided in me that a former classmate of mine had raped her. This individual was at least one year older than me and had been the quarterback of our varsity football team for at least one season and maybe two. I was alarmed and disgusted to learn this but there really wasn’t anything for me to do about it except quietly warn some people that someone we used to know had a dangerous side.
She evidently had not reported the rape to the police, although I don’t remember if she gave me any explanation for that. I probably didn’t require one. I think she gave me some of the details like where it happened, but I don’t remember anything like that thinking back on it today. All I know is that I believed her not because I had any reason to have previously suspected this person of being a potential rapist, but because everything about what she said to me struck me as heartfelt and honest.
One of the benefits of moving back East was that I got to be near one of my older brothers. One way for me to spend time with him, since he was raising a growing family at the time, was to play flag football with him on the weekends. It’s something he did until he turned forty and I did with him from that point on until I turned thirty. Neither of us lived in our hometown anymore, but that’s where the league was so it shouldn’t have shocked me to discover that the alleged rapist was now the quarterback on an opposing team. But it did shock me. It deeply unsettled me. It did not sit right with me that he was living a free and careless life while my friend was suffering constantly from the consequences of his actions.
Part of the point of flag football is that you don’t have to wear pads because there is no tackling, but the lack of pads makes the blocking and hitting more painful, and so I took as much advantage of that as I could, mainly frustrated that when he was playing quarterback I couldn’t hit him. I got in as many shots as I could, many of them probably cheap, because that’s the only thing I felt I could do.
I think back on this now and I try to imagine how I’d feel, and how my old friend would feel, if this person were nominated to serve on the Supreme Court. The truth is, I don’t know what year this happened or where it happened or if anyone had been drinking or any other details that would make me a useful witness. I believe it happened and it still bothers me.
I don’t know what has happened to this man in the intervening years. He was handsome, athletic, seemingly charming, and I imagine there’s a good chance that he’s accomplished some impressive things in his life. He may even be a good father for all I know. Maybe he’s a volunteer coach.
I no longer have the desire to hit this man, but I also can’t let the past go and entertain the possibility that he’s somehow redeemed himself. To redeem himself, he’d have to first take personal responsibility for what he did. And I am certain he has not done that.
Good for you for getting in some shots. Maybe that’s petty thinking, but it’s the least a rapist deserves.
Redeem himself? Anyone think that’s the only woman he assaulted?
Drinking? Ever notice that if the woman was drinking, society blames her: She asked for/deserved it? Ever notice that if the man was drinking, society holds him blameless: He couldn’t help himself.
The woman is still the victim. The man is still the perpetrator. Drinking doesn’t change that.
I’ve been known to drink too much on occasion. Most occasions! I’ve been pretty damn drunk any number of times.
I’ve never hit anyone. I’ve never grabbed at or otherwise assaulted a woman. Never even been rude deliberately, though of course I’m sure I’ve been accidentally rude.
Point being, drinking is no excuse. It doesn’t change who you are. The kind of person who sexually assaults someone when drunk is the kind of person who sexually assaults someone, period.
. . . by relaxing/dulling socialized inhibitions.
If you’re an asshole (or more of an asshole) when drunk, that just means you’re better at hiding your inner asshole when sober.
. . . right there:
I believe the woman. I know that you are innocent until proven guilty, but in all cases not involving courts … I believe the woman.
A little of topic, but not quite… I invite all to put their money where their mouth is and donate to the crowdfunding campaign to award donations to Collins’ 2020 opponent unless she votes no on Kavanaugh. It’s almost at its $1.5 million goal! https://www.crowdpac.com/campaigns/387413/either-sen-collins-votes-no-on-kavanaugh-or-we-fund-her-fu
ture-opponent
Make her sweat.
I heard the Koch’s will fund her if she votes yes. They got more than a few million.
Not sure what your point is. Ten of Thousands of voters giving donations of less than $100 each grabs headlines and, most importantly, demonstrates voter enthusiasm to take her out if she votes incorrectly.
Having all the big corporate money in the world did not make Hillary Clinton president, did it?
Sorry, Kav has not changed. When I look at Kav I see ex senator Vitter. Remember the diaper senator. Remember that press conference with his wife. We are about to see a repeat of the awkward mess. Will Mrs. Kav hold the bible for the liar to swear to God?
Kavanaugh to the SC feels like the last days of the Ancien Regime. The rot is deeper than even I thought.