I just finished watching a movie called “Mysterious Skins”. It was a tragic story about 2 little boys who were molested by their baseball coach. One of the boys grew up turning tricks with male strangers for money. The other thought he had been abducted by aliens cause he had blocked those memories out.
Why am I telling you this?
Because my soon to be ex-husband and his two brothers were all molested by and adult male friend of their alcoholic parents. I can only imagine how it affected them as young boys. Both their mom and dad were alcoholics, so you can imagine the company they kept.
My soon to be ex is an alcoholic and one of the cruelist human beings I’ve ever encountered. I stuck with him longer than I should have because I felt such compassion of his horrible childhood and sometimes he could be very sweet. But he could not communicate on any level sober, and when drunk became a raging dangerous man.
The combination of having been molested and having alcoholic DNA is a deadly combination in so many ways. My life was threatened in so many ways because of the sickness of someone else from years ago.
This is why I have ranted and raged in so many diaries here over the people in power who have and do abuse others. The hypocrisy of religious leaders and government officials drives me crazy.
The long reach of pedophilia and alcoholism is so horrific. Put those two lethal combinations together with power and greed and you see why the world is in such a bad way.
As a society, we are full of predators, exploiters, addicts of all kinds of things and the damage that they have done while commiting such horrible crimes affect each and every one of us in so many ways.
I cry for what my poor cruel ex husband suffered as a child and how it was taken out on me and I truly don’t know who should get the most sympathy.
This is just one example why the Foley issue must not disappear. It’s affect will mar those he preyed on and those who covered it up for years and years. And it must stop!!
And add all the LIES that come with this bad behaviour and we all become dysfunctional.
Just remember. He CHOSE to act in those ways and to refuse to take responsibility for his drinking. You need to take care of yourself first. You can feel compassion and be emphathetic towards his childhood without shouldering the burden or the blame.
Namaste.
Yes, we’re here for you roseeriter, I’m so glad to see you posting more lately. I wish the very best for you.
At risk of sounding unsympathetic, at best, I must say that I do not hold with the “My childhood was so bad, look at what I’ve become” theory. Or, the “My genes made me an alcoholic” theory. Of course, in the extremes, it is true that some children will be too damaged to ever overcome their childhood abuses, however, most of the adult individuals that I have encountered in my life who fail to deal with childhood abuse or substance abuse have actively chosen many times over to pursue their grief and dependency with vigor.
It is all too easy to find something/someone to blame for one’s own failures, rather than look into the mirror and accept and embrace one’s own failures and imperfections. I am not unscathed. I don’t believe that anyone escapes childhood without at least some residual baggage that could be blamed on others. While it may be absolutely true that an individual was treated miserably as a child, there is always a way out of self-pity and a means of rejecting lifelong victimhood and false martyrdom. But choosing the way out is the harder path, full of the acute psychological pain and suffering of recognizing the humanity and imperfections of those who abused you, forgiving them for what they did and forgiving yourself for your own naive and/or necessary self-preserving responses.
The world of a child is no longer the world of the adult. What we may have been required to suffer as children in order to stay alive or preserve our unstable and incomplete world is no longer valid as we become responsible for our selves and our own world. We can remake ourselves. It is possible. But we must stop playing the psychological games that we were taught and that the world continues to teach us. Embrace the cold hard truth and deny the warm whimpering safety of dependence and blame.
Having said all that, I do have sympathy and empathy for those who are suffering an incomplete reconstruction of self as responsible adult. But I can no longer be involved with anyone who isn’t actively trying to do better. My patience is long for those who are doing the hard work, but I have none for those who will not try.
The only way to break the cycle of abuse and dependency is to break it. Those among us who have some success in breaking it are the lifeline for those who haven’t yet. But, you can give a drunk ten thousand dollars, a shave and a haircut, a new suit of clothes, and all the talk therapy you can, but they have to stop drinking by themselves and for their own self. You can never do that for them.
Thank you for posting this. And thank you for allowing me to do a little ranting myself. I hope that my words here will be more than just a rant, that they may help or illuminate something for someone else, but even if they don’t, I’ve said my piece.
All the best to you, and hugs. Spreading the word about the effects of abuse and dependency is a great calling, and I support and encourage you to continue doing so. The world can’t wait.
Having some computer issues-
I do agree-that we are capable of changing
and it is with that knowledge that we can break the cycle is what kept me and probably keeps many people in bad situations too long. We know its possible and have that hope but like you said, if the other person doesn’t make the choice it will not change.
I did not grow up with alcoholism-meaning my parents did not drink, but both their fathers did and died young. So I’m sure there was residue of some kind.
I could go on and on about the residue affects of alcoholism and child molestation and how our society seems to encourage both by the bombardment of exploitive media-seductive ads for both drinking and sex, all the crap on tv, the poorly trained people that are suppose to help, the low number of available rehabs, counselors, lax policemen, lawyers and courts etc.
I don’t understand how AA really helps when the meetings are conducted by alcoholics and not professionals etc. I have read more garbage from Alanon that seems to blame the spouse as the enabler, co-dependent etc.,- that detachment and/or leaving are the only answers, etc., etc., How does anyone truly get better and recover?
These issues shock and awe at first and then get swept under the rug over and over again.
Maybe I’ve found my next mission…
I don’t understand how AA really helps when the meetings are conducted by alcoholics and not professionals etc. I have read more garbage from Alanon that seems to blame the spouse as the enabler, co-dependent etc.,- that detachment and/or leaving are the only answers, etc., etc., How does anyone truly get better and recover?
I know there are some people who AA has really helped, but I also know someone who is now a sponsor of others, giving little talks at the VA hospital, etc, who has NEVER made amends yet. And he did absolutely heinous things when drinking. WTF? Don’t they have any criteria for who’s running things there? And why is he a sponsor when he hasn’t even completed the steps yet? Oh right, he probably just lied to them…
And I totally agree with you about the crap Alanon pushes trying to tell the spouse that they have an illness too. I didn’t make my ex-husband drink, he chose that on his own.
</rant>
I cannot tell you how often I’ve been attacked by people in AA or alanon because I did not agree. I am glad it helps some, but when I saw how AA semed to be a party plce for my husband-he often came home drunk or had a bottle hidden and just ‘played’ the game.
Alcoholics become great con-men with each other, counselors, police etc., and the people that are suppose to help who have not done tons of research about alcoholism just keep the alcoholic con game alive and well.
To my thinking how can a bunch of sick people help each other at AA? All they are doing is validating the ‘illness’ understanding to some degree the horror stories, but very few seem to GET the amends and remorse part due to blackouts, bad memories, denial and the EXCUSE of “well, I was drunk…”
When does responsibility and accountability kick in? I know it does with some and that’s why I always had hope for my husband, but THOSE who truly succeeded aren’t running most of the AA programs.
I live in a small town and the local AA group is nothing more than a gossip, party planning place. I know there are good groups out there, but apparently my husband never found one.
I recently attended my first ever AA meeting in order to support a cousin who was being recognized for his six months of sobriety. I think that the group of folks there were really working hard and doing good things. I know that not all such groups are as well run or as sincere as the one that I saw, but I do believe that this was a good one. I disagree with some of the teachings of AA, but not with the mission.
I do think that the concepts of co-dependency and enabling behaviors by significant others do have some validity in certain circumstances and that everyone who has a family member (or members) who are alcohol dependent need to consider those concepts and decide for themselves whether they fit the patterns of enabling, etc. Of course, in the abstract extreme, anyone who participates in the life of an alcoholic and protects them from the full consequences of their behavior can be said to be enabling and codependent, but I do think that there is a lot of gray area in between total enabling and shielding and showing real and appropriate concern for someone who is ill.
If your parents were both what is called ACoAs (Adult Children of Acoholics), they may very well have constructed world views for themselves and their own children that predisposed them to attraction toward the alcoholic personality. It is interesting to note that there is appaarently some evidence that the grandson of a male alcoholic is more likely to be an alcoholic than the son is. So, patterns of behavior do get transmitted across generations. That is why it is so important to break the cycle if one can, and start to pass on healthier behavior patterns. It is also why it is so hard to do. The whole family structure is contaminated.
Have YOU had the “blood is thicker than water” crap perpetrated on you? I did, and it was always used to excuse the bad behaviors of family members and REQUIRE you to forgive them for every bad thing they ever did and still love them in spite of it, because “They’re FAMILY.” That is bullshit of the highest order. My ‘family’ consists of my own creation of family, my chosen significant other and our child, and my CHOSEN close friends. Yes, I still try to honor my nuclear family and my roots, but only when honor is due and not according to some sick warped need to hide bad things and repress bad memories or rescue family members from the full effects of their own bad behaviors.
I have never been a fan of evangelical efforts, whether they be by AA and AlAnon or any other program or religion. I have found that self-education through reading many books and articles with different perspectives has been the most effective for me. I can pick and choose whatever seems to be most effective FOR ME, without social pressures to deal with on top of the mental psychological effort needed to adjust my own world view. But that’s just me. To each his own and best wishes for you and for anyone who’s trying to find a better way.
Blood is thicker than water- Or the skeletons in the closet whatever one calls it.
One of my issues in trying to get on with my life after my ordeal is that my husband deserted me at the encouragement of his alcoholic brother. So now I feel like I have to deal with two insane people plotting and planning the divorce and selling of my house etc.,It’s fueling my anger and paranoia.
His family thinks I am to blame that he went to jail twice for criminal threatening and a second DUI BECAUSE I was the one that called the cops. No one in the family ever saw the police reports and have only ‘his’ black-out memory account of these episodes. That is very painful because I was trying to help my husband get better, find help, go to therapy, rehab etc., His family only cut and run and do not deal with the real problems.
I don’t like turning my back on someone I cared about but know I need to get past that.
But that’s my problem and I am working through it on one level. On another level I want to find some real solutions to
break
thesehorrific dysfunctional cycles.
The easiest thing most all of us do is leave and just go on with life carrying the baggage one way or another. I’m caught between do we need to make more laws like a person is only allowed 3 times to be married- 3 strikes and you’re out- That people who lose their licenses are checked on regularly as 2/3 of them continue to drive drunk- mandatory rehab or jail for every domestic violence episode…
There are no definite solutions that are strictly abided by so much depends on where someone lives. My husband is now out of state and freer to drive around drunk and there’s nothing more I can do about that, but wait for a phone call…
I’m rambling now sorry.
More hugs. You are not to blame. You are worthy of a good marriage, if that is what you want.
Your husband’s family is sick. They are the enablers, not you. They are the perpetrators of “Blood is thicker than water”, to the detriment of all who would wish to help.
You are not turning your back on anyone. From your description you are facing him head-on and he is the one doing the turning and the running. In My Not So Humble Opinion, You Are Absolved.
One way to embrace reality, I believe, is to realize that no one can completely defeat evil in the world and in others. The best one can hope for, I believe, is to keep our own personal demon locked up in a little prison cell inside of ourselves. We can’t kill it, nor should we, because from time to time, we will need to visit that part of us locked up in the prison cell and conduct interviews about how evil works and how an evil mind can perpetrate horror on others. We must know these things in order to protect the better parts of our selves and the ones we love. Just as you will not defeat evil in the world forever, you will not break anyone else’s cycle for them, no matter how hard you try or how much you love them. I know. Please believe me. The best we can do for someone else is to try to lead them toward a new path. If they won’t follow, or won’t blaze their own new trail when they find out other paths exist, then NOTHING, and I do mean NOTHING, that you do will make ANY difference whatsoever.
You are not guilty of anything, except perhaps trying too hard and overinvesting in someone who refuses to change for the better. And that’s no sin at all, but it is frustrating and perhaps self-defeating, too. I am not a religious person, but I do recognize the wisdom of a great teacher when I see it. I can’t quote the chapter and verse, but somewhere in the New Testament, Jesus is asked the question “How many times must I forgive my brother?”. Jesus’ reply is NOT “an infinite number of times”. Jesus’ reply is something like “Not seven times, but seventy times seven.” Do the math, my friend. That’s 490 times, not infinity. That is compassion WITH wisdom. I’m not saying that you count up until 490 and then quit, and I don’t think that is what Jesus meant either. I do think that a compassionate person is long-suffering. I don’t think a compassionate person is called to persevere in the face of infinite betrayals or abuse. Thus is my argument on your behalf, and mine.
Please don’t give up on yourself, don’t give up on the real possibility of finding someone who is worthy of your investment in them, and remember that some will break the cycle, but others will not. No law, no jail cell, and no amount of caring will change them until they themselves desire change enough to persevere in the face of the extreme acute psychological pains that will be necessary before real change can happen for them. You can not do the suffering for them. They must walk through the fire alone, as we all must. You can’t wait on the other side of the fire with hands full of cooling salve forever. That salve is meant for someone who will walk though the fire and not cower in the face of it or simply run away.
My heart goes out to you and I truly hope that things will work out for you in a way that will bring you peace and happiness. I BELIEVE that they will.
Great advice.
I am in the process of reading Empowered Recovery for non-alcoholics again. It’s free online at http://www.empoweredrecovery.com for anyone interested. Lots of good stuff.
I am doing my recovery work-but it is a rough process. You sound like someone who has been there done that.
Peace.
It is good that you are reading. I am glad that my advice rings true for you. And yes, I have been there, not exactly as you are, but close enough to know what you may be feeling and thinking. You are not alone, and I know from your history here that you have what it takes to embrace truth and healing. You are special and you deserve the best.
Peace and best wishes and hugs.