Becoming a parent at the age of forty brings unique challenges. One is that I am an unusually foul-mouthed individual. And I live with a family of very foul-mouthed individuals. Every third word we utter is an expletive. We’ve all toned it down a bit with the addition of a newborn, but i still worry that our son will enter nursery school with an x-rated vocabulary. What can we do about this?
About The Author
BooMan
Martin Longman a contributing editor at the Washington Monthly. He is also the founder of Booman Tribune and Progress Pond. He has a degree in philosophy from Western Michigan University.
Don’t let him watch my favorite recent video:
http://unf–kthegulf.com/
More seriously, the only thing that works is being conscious about it and training yourself. My wife teaches 6-9 y-o Montessori kids. She also has a colorful vocabulary she has to be very careful about. It’s just an awareness thing.
My favorite story along these lines involves a friend who has a similar issue, and thought she was doing really well at it until she was driving along one day and her five-year-old daughter asks, “Mommy, what’s a ‘
cocksucker'”?
This is a hard but good goal, Booman. I know a boy who was thought to have Tourette Syndrome because he routinely used all the profane words he heard in his mom’s language!
A strategy that works for some parents is to substitute different, but more publicly acceptable words. I don’t mean trying out milder forms close to the actual word you’re accustomed to use – that’s not likely to work and it is very difficult not to revert to the real word.
It’s better to think up completely different terms. It helps if you decide on and try to learn specific words to substitute for other specific words. Some people make a list of the words and substitutes.
One of the best examples of this was on the old Hill Street Blues show. Belker (Bruce Weitz) clearly is portrayed as swearing a lot, but as this was an earlier time, the writers gave him a very colorful vocabulary that included not one “real” profanity.
Hey Kidspeak
It`s great to see you.
Hill Street Blues, one of my all time favorites in those days.
You bring up a very good way to curb one`s enthusiasm.
Kiel Martin, a nice friend of mine, played LaRue on Hill Street Blues.
He died at 46 years old. Cod Ham Cheeses Riced
Yep, this can help a little. Flippin’, one of my personal favorites. I’ve also learned to catch myself partway through a lot of times: Son of a…..gun. You mother….
Good luck overall, though. Make it out next month and you’ll probably get a flavoring of where my mine are at.
Kids hear and mimic everything you say. I used to laugh when I heard any of my boys say something that was the exact phrase I had used. They really are sponges when it comes to language.
They also mimic your physical gestures, so be careful about flipping someone off.
To be honest, all you can do is stop cursing. When they’re young they don’t understand what they’re saying; they just know that mommy or daddy said it. My husband’s dad said he was mortified when my husband’s sister knocked over a tower of blocks she was playing with and said “Jethuth Cwith!”
I swear more now than I did when my sons were little, something I’m not really proud of, but I did use fake swears like “shucks” or “dang it” a lot.
Home school. 🙂
As most everyone states, kids are sponges. Many years ago I was dating a woman who had a little feisty, almost three year old boy. They had a little dog, full of energy, that was hard to contain. One day, the front door was left slightly ajar and the dog dashed out toward a jogger going down the road and the dog was hit by a car. Her boy and I both saw it happen. The dog jumped up and ran around the house to the back yard. When we got there it was apparent the dog was not going to make it. We stood over it as it breathed its last breath. I had tears in my eyes. Her boy was crouched down staring at the dog. He looked up at me, serious as a judge, and said, “Well, hell! The damn dog’s dead. Now we have to get another one.”
Yep, you just have to watch yourself, be creative, and think of other ways to curse. It’s good discipline.
I, myself, have a rather colorful vocabulary which includes the gift of using the F-word as a noun, verb and adjective all in the same sentence. Now that my kids are all over 18, I’ve noticed that I’ve passed on this gift. But when they were little, I simply told them that parents are allowed to use this language but they are not. It’s not that I think the language is hateful or wrong, I just didn’t want them getting in trouble at school or with other parents.
What other said about kids/sponges. So just watch it until they’re old enough to have a real conversation about what is or isn’t acceptable.
But it’s not just the cussin’. I got myself in trouble with the spouse for teaching the toddler to slam down an empty sippy-cup of milk and say “hit me again, barkeep”.
Well, everyone else thinks its adorable!
In my experience (my girls are 5 now and truly gifted in terms of language and I formerly used a wide range of expletives), parents just cannot use words they don’t want the kids to use.
We have a standard explanation about words they shouldn’t use.
Simply put, there are no such things as “bad” words, but there are words kids can’t fully understand because they don’t have enough context.
When they hear or read a word like that, I ask that they wait until they are older for a full explanation of its meaning and the reasons people might be offended to hear a kid use it.
So far so good . . .
Let’s assume that you can teach Finn when not to curse, because that seems to be the issue that’s brought up the most often – the problem of cursing at school, etc. Would it then be OK for him to curse like a sailor when he’s at home with his immediate family? I mean when he’s 3.
If not, why not?
Kids have a way of learning these words and using them, even if you’re careful. Don’t worry too much. Just remind him not to use them inappropriately as he gets older.
What can you do about this? Stop worrying, first of all. A three-year-old who lets slip an epithet is not the end of the world and probably won’t cause social shunning of either you or Finn.
That said, there are several practical things to consider. Taboo words are taboo primarily to increase their impact when they are used. They are always in some sort of context. And different cultures or families have different taboo words. What language is tolerable in the nursery school that you choose? Are we talking about the FCC’s magnificent seven words or something broader here?
Kids very soon learn from observation that some things are done at home that aren’t done elsewhere. Teaching context helps.
Most kids by the time they begin school have asked about what various words mean. An appropriate time to answer (1) the literal meaning, (2) what it means in context, (3) where it fits on the scale of incendiary language, (4) your expectations for their usage of the word. Or you can dodge it all with “that’s a word that some people use when they are angry” or “that’s a meaningless word that people say when they want to emphasize something” and defer the literal translation to later.
At a slightly older age, reflect on what the response to the use of the word was and why it was that the word might have produced that response. And what motivated the use of the taboo word in that situation.
For older kids, it helps to categorize the types of cuss words and discuss why they might be taboo in the first place. Religious taboo words are always contextual to the religion; “Jesus, Joseph, and Mary” as an epithet seems to be strongly correlated with Catholics or former Catholics, for example. Excretory taboo words generally are language-bound and class-based – a fancy word for polite company and a common (vulgar) word for expressions of disgust. Sexual taboo words are of two sorts: accusations of perversity (however that culturally is defined) and threats of rape. For older kids, satirically taking the literal meaning of the words is often enough to reduce frivolous use of cussing.
Dealing with taboo words is a matter of teaching how to use language well; words are meant to be used to communicate. Focus on that and don’t get sucked into the moralistic way the issue tends to be framed.
And teach kids to defuse situations in which they slip up by using humor. “Shit!” “What did you say?” “Oh, I was frustrated so I listed the three singular pronouns: she, he, and it. I guess I said it too fast.” This non-apology apology can take the emotions down a notch when used judiciously. To the point that it becomes a humorous catchphrase.
You will survive. I have three well-spoken children who make fun of their parents’ propensity for taboo words. And one of them is going through the same anxieties you have.
Lighten the fuck up. With the parents Finn has, he will be fine.
Did anyone else see that on Morning Joe. Joe and Mika sure went to break in a hurry and when they came back, Dylan was gone from what I could tell. He also said the president is bending over for Wall STreet…..that man needs to be fired and return to the hole he climbed out of.
Ratigan takes apart a Republican Congressman, calling out his filibustering and shoving talking points. He’s more likely to be fired for that than for dissing President Obama.
Once you start watching your own tongue it won’t be so hard.
A better question to ask is what do you want your child to say to you. If you don’t want to hear profanity then don’t say it in front of the child. One odd thing about profanity is that it has no meaning. It can convey emotion but has no meaning. Even if you don’t say it, they will learn it anyway from other sources. When my kids who are now late teens and early twenties wanted to know if they could use a word I would say yes if they knew what it meant. This resulted in some interesting conversation since profanity has no meaning but I always refuse to limit conversation. They now tell me everything, even more than I want to know. What is really important is your attitude toward life so I would not worry about it. My daughter tells me I have the word fuck more times on my refrigerator magnets than anyone she knows. So according to my refrigerator magnet “Some people say I have a bad attitude. I say fuck’em”
Yeah, it’s only funny until it comes out in pre-school. Look at it as an opportunity for creativity – adventures in almost-swearwords. It was pretty amusing to hear our ten-year-old come out with “MotherFudging” in a [rare] tantrum last week. When I started out looking for substitute words, I realized how many were already out there. Just remember, even when you’re a parent, it is occasionally necessary to drop an F-bomb.
Try substituting scientifically- or anatomically-correct words. Then you will hear things like my 3-year-old girl said to a daddy friend all the kids were wrestling:
“I’m going to hit you, throw you down and kick you in the vagina!”
It takes 22 days to break a habit or start a new one. Some people use replacement words like “fudge” or “Shitake” or “Butthead” instead of asshole. But really, kids these days don’t know how to swear properly, we need some good swearers to pick up the torch.
You also have to be mindful of what is on the TV. R rated stuff competes well with Nickelodeon… unfortunately.
But don’t try too hard, but the time you figure it out he will be a teenager and throwing out f bomb freely with his mother. At least my kids do.
Take this advice with a grain of salt from a man with no kids but plenty of nephews and plenty of foul-mouthed family members. You can be cognizant of it. But, frankly, there are more important things. Sympathy, compassion, genorosity, kindness, understanding. The lessons you teach about sex and drugs.
We need more foul-mouthed kindhearted people. And less assholes who know the rules of proper decorum. Just my two cents.
Excuse my French.
Dining with friends. Very foul mouthed. Youngest daughter had been following the grownups conversation, so she forgot that she wasn’t allowed to curse.
“Shit, I dropped my fucking fork” was a real attention getter. Used correctly and in context.
My 14 year old and her mom went to get in the minivan they other day to find a dead bird on the front seat. That got them both running around the front yard yelling What the Fuck!!!! over and over. Neighbors loved it I’m sure.
It’s cute when they’re young but not when they get older. Cursing constantly when you get older in public tends to give people the impression you are incapable of self-control and/or ignorant.
When you really have to swear, you look at the child and say, “earmuffs.” And then, the game’s rules say, the child has to put his/her hands over their ears.
Either that, or you do what my very conventional aunt does, and say all kinds of ridiculous phrases, like, “cripes” or “criminy” or “stone the crows.”