It’s a slow news day. Got any jokes?
About The Author

BooMan
Martin Longman a contributing editor at the Washington Monthly. He is also the founder of Booman Tribune and Progress Pond. He has a degree in philosophy from Western Michigan University.
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Recent Posts
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- Day 21: The Fascist Regime Screws Farmers, Tries to Sabotage U.S. Bonds
George Bush
nalbar
President Hillary Clinton.
President Ralph Nader.
It’s
President Romney
No kidding
Los Angeles Times via Thinkprogress: reporting
Romney may rejoin GOP presidential race.
he only suspended and with McCain’s FEC troubles….
so BooMan, it’s not such a slow news day.
not really a joke…serious goings on in Montgomery County, PA. They take their politics real serious.
Ben Smith: has the details on Fratricide
Heard on NPR…Obama cites poll that Obama is leading among Latinos in Texas.
I read yesterday where he was joking that Howard Dean should be shot. Is he always this foot-mouthed?
he used to be ok, now he’s jut an asshole trying to ram slots parlors down the collective throat of Philadelphia.
I wish he’d stick to eating hoagies.
Maybe it’s picking up speed? This was posted just minutes ago at the Guardian site:
Democrats ask FEC to investigate McCain for campaign finance violations
(borrowed from jokeswarehouse.com)
Obama was in town here.
And there were a couple of people in the crowd at Fifth Third Arena.
And his organization really has their act together.
Man, that’s the way to run a campaign.
Huckabee and McCain are in this week, too. Curious to get a look at the reactions they get. I doubt it will match the enthusiasm seen at Obama’s rally.
Slow night for Obama.
I will be really curious to see the numbers for Huckster and Mr. 100 Years of War when they appear this week.
Outside the city of Cincinnati it’s pretty much a saturation of GOP around here. Wonder if their numbers will compare? It will be interesting water cooler conversation here in the office (all Republicans, less 2 people). I’m the lone Obama cult member, by the way.
Obviously a measure of quality rather than quantity
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in,” says the Senator.
“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”
“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the senator.
“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises..
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
“Now it’s time to visit heaven.”
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell.”
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. “I don’t understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning.
“Today you voted.”
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, “You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea what some people will do to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?”
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?” Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. “You really ARE Einstein!” he says. “Welcome to heaven!”
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.
Picasso asks, “Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?” Saint Peter says, “Go ahead.” Picasso erases Einstein’s equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. “Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!” he says. “Come on in!”
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush.
Saint Peter scratches his head and says, “Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?” George W. looks bewildered and says, “Who are Einstein and Picasso?” Saint Peter sighs and says, “Come on in, George.”
Great, besides the obvious problem with it. 😉
Agreed! 😉
yes it does require quite a leap of imagination to place him there doesn’t it…
(Remixed from 2004)
BARACK OBAMA
Because the chicken realized that the audacious hope of reaching the other side was more than mere words or empty rhetoric.
HILLARY CLINTON
Because she was a traitor to her gender and drank the Kool Aid of that cult of personality on the other side
JONATHAN EDWARDS
To hen-peck the mill worker on the other side
DENNIS KUCINICH
To get the US out and the UN in
HOWARD DEAN
Because she was going to South Carolina and Oklahoma and Arizona and North Dakota and New Mexico! She was going to California and Texas and New York! And she was going to South Dakota and Oregon and Washington and Michigan! And then she’s going to Washington, D.C. to take back the White House, Yeeeeeaaaaaah!
CAROL MOSELEY-BRAUN
To take the “Roosters Only” sign down from the other side
WES CLARK
She was just following orders
DICK GEPHARDT
Because she was a miserable failure
BOB GRAHAM
To find Osama bin Forgotten
JOHN KERRY
Because the other side was more electible
JOE LIEBERMAN
To get pecked after the State of the Union Address
AL SHARPTON
To fight for fundamental chicken rights
GEORGE W. BUSH
To preemptively strike someone who allegedly had a skillet, grease, flour, seasoned salt, paprika, pepper, garlic powder, and an appetite – just to find that they only had cup of yogurt
AL GORE
To discover an inconvenient truth.
RALPH NADER
The chicken’s habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling Escalade.
PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
RUSS FEINGOLD
To take a principled stand for the constitutional rights and protections of all chickens
HILLARY CLINTON
Because the wind was blowing that-a-way
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.
GEORGE H.W. BUSH
To get to the kinder, gentler side of the road, but read my lips – no new global crossings
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?
JIMMY CARTER
Because there was a brand new coop on the other side that her friends here at Habitat for Chickens built for her.
GERALD FORD
I dunno, D’oh!
RICHARD M. NIXON
I am not a chicken thief.
LYNDON BAINES JOHNSON
Because I #^&^ing told it to cross the road! Any more dumb @$$ questions?!?
JOHN F. KENNEDY
Ask not what your chicken can do for you…
TONY SNOW
There was no chicken, you should retract that story as many innocent chickens have been hurt.
RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don’t know why the chicken crossed the road, but I’ll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I’ll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I’m talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross. What’s next? Free prescription drugs for crossing-the-road syndrome? Free drugs to help some cock do his cockle-doodle-doo?
ROBERT BYRD
We applaud the efforts of the working class chicken. It will be a travesty if we do not pass my $87 million bill so that poor American chickens throughout West Virginia have this same opportunity to cross the Robert Byrd Highway across from the Robert Byrd Observatory.
KENNETH STARR
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of Bill Clinton in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the sexual wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president’s ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed.
P.I.T.A. SPOKESPERSON
What business is it of yours why the chicken crossed the road? The chicken had every right to cross the road, more right than you have, since the chicken never murdered or enslaved another animal for its own pleasure.
JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the “other side.” That’s what “they” call it – the “other side.” Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the other side.”
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDDADDY
In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
OLIVER STONE
She didn’t cross the road. Witnesses from the grassy knoll clearly saw that it was instead two geese that crossed, forever debunking the one-bird theory.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.
GEORGE ORWELL
Because some chickens are more equal than others
ROBERT FROST
It was the road less traveled by
EDGAR ALLEN POE
Cross the chicken? Nevermore!
JOHN LENNON
Imagine there is no chicken
YING YANG TWINS
We were trying to whisper something in her ear
PRINCE
I knew a girl named chicken I guess you could say she crossed the freak street
PLATO
To escape the shadows of the cave
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was an historical inevitability.
VOLTAIRE
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.
MACHIAVELI
To crush those who would not join the Chicken Coup
DARWIN
She was naturally selected to evolve into a 3-piece dinner
SØREN KIERKEGAARD
Because it made absolutely no sense
JOHN CALVIN
She was predestined to cross the road
MARTIN LUTHER
I’ve got 95 reasons why the chicken crossed the road posted on the door of the Wittenberg KFC
EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
CARL JUNG
The shadow knows…
BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook— and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
OLIVER NORTH
I really can’t comment. I don’t recall. I wasn’t aware that the road crossing actually occurred, since that information was classified.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN
The road, you will see, is allegorical for the Black man. The chicken crossed the “Black man” in order to trample him and keep him down.
COLONOL NATHAN JESSEP
She couldn’t handle the roost!
DON VITO CORLEONE
We make her an offer, she no refuse…
TONY MONTANA
To say hello to my little friend!
MORPHEUS
Because she chose the red pill…
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
To boldly go, where no chicken, has gone, before.
SPOCK
Logic dictated that the chicken cross the road.
BONES McCOY
Because she wasn’t going to have her atoms scattered across the galaxy by some new-fangled transporter
BENJAMIN SISKO
It was the will of the prophets
QUARK
The 62nd Rule of Acquisition – The riskier the road, the higher the profit
THE BORG
Resistance was three ohms
YODA
Begun, this crossing has, hmmm
DARTH VADER
To fulfill her destiny on the dark side of the road
ANAKIN SKYWALKER
She would have crossed the road quicker if Obi Wan wasn’t holding her back
LUKE SKYWALKER
You’re not my feather!
PRINCESS LEIA ORGANA
To go peck some scruffy-looking nerf-herder
PADME AMADALA
To check out the padouin rooster with the really big light saber
SIGMUND FREUD
See what I mean?
JANGO FETT
She’s just a simple chicken trying to make her way across the road
EMPEROR PALPATINE
To witness the firepower of this fully armed and operational battle station!
CONDOLEEZZA RICE
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of white phosphorus on her.
ANN COULTER
These self-obsessed chickens seemed genuinely unaware how damaging they are to the front of my car and acted as if my running them over happened only to them.
METHOD MAN
I’ll sew that bird’s @$$hole shut and just keep feeding it and feeding it and feeding it…
OPRAH
My philosophy is that not only is the chicken responsible for it’s own life, but doing the best at any given moment puts the chicken in the best place for the next moment. And that place was on the other side of the road.
TOM CRUISE
It’s well known I’m a Scientologist, and that has helped me to find out that there is no such thing as a chicken. Matt, Matt, you don’t even — you’re glib. You don’t even know what a chicken is.
MAYA ANGELOU
Crispy chicken served with a side of fries
Increasing the spread of the average American’s thighs
But when I start to tell them,
They think I’m telling lies.
I say,
It’s in the fat in my skin
Calories in my breast.
So I throw myself at a car,
allowing some woman to achieve her best.
I’m a chicken
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal chicken,
That’s me.
OK, today’s Michael Kinsley article is a work of art – do read.
I think Obama should come out wearing a jewish prayer shawl, a turban, and a necklace with a big ol’ cross hanging from it. He should have a pin of the American flag, etc.
Then he should discard it all and make fun of how we just people by these outward symbols, and how meaningless it is.
Of course, that might just lose him the Jewish vote, the Christian vote, the Muslim vote, the patriots vote…! Maybe I give people more credit than I should for being able to take a joke!
It depends on what you take seriously – for some it’s just a symbol, for others it’s substance that is intimately tied to the symbol. Imagine someone urinating on a picture of the person that matters most to you – that would certainly within their rights but you might take offense at it. It’s much the same with many of these (seemingly meaningless) symbols. You piss on a picture of my mama and you’ve pissed on me. For them, if you denigrate – in any way – the flag then you’ve denigrated them.
There’s power in symbols, we have to be careful in how we use them.
No joke. I just didn’t know where else to put this.
Have you seen this in any US MSM yet?
New evidence challenges official picture of Kennedy shooting
http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2008/feb/22/kennedy.assassination
The presentation was last Thursday, in D.C.